>>> Past, present...

... and future tense.

I miss my past.

My present is passing by with rarely a gift.

It's all fifty-fifty with the future... It's a tense thing, kinda touch-and-go, but it'll take care of itself, won't it.

Past, present or future... it just takes faith and gumption. And a little chance.

I'll leave you with what's currently playing from my iTunes, only with VISUALS. *grins*

Merry Christmas in advance!

>>> Blocky mechas...

... and dripping mascara, oh my.

*laughs*

Silky Black Gold ThreeA Motion Ad contest submission from Silky Black Gold on Vimeo.

Interesting...

For more on ThreeA and their contest, check out their blog.

Peace out!

>>> Light shows...

... and skate crazes.

Tron Legacy Premiere - A Light Session from ENESS on Vimeo.

One word.

A-FUCKING-MAZING!

>>> Mom warned me...

... that there might be days like this.

Well, I feel like shooting myself in the cranium, to splatter the whatever's left of my non-existent brains across the walls of joy this Christmas season.

Why, you may ask?

Suffice to say that I've been given a last warning and it's quite the wake-up call. I blame no one except myself. Just have to tighten my belt, lace up tighter and buck the hell up.

I will survive whatever the world throws at me, not because I have a choice but due to there being not much else of a choice, for that's the only way I'm going to be able to live.

I would give pretty much anything to be back in school. CHRIST, I would kill to get into one. Or even give up my left nut! Dear God, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, please help me out here. PLEASE!

Like throw a dog a bone here, seriously, enough with the curveballs!!

Anyways, I'm sitting in the nice red rug in my room after a really LONG day and I'm depressed. Like, positively lousy. Funny, how the older one gets, the more one regrets... or the lousier one feels when one realizes that one's not much different from the heaving, trudging grey masses.

There are very few good things in my life at the moment and I should be thankful. Next year, SHOELACE MAFIA will be registered as a company and the brand will be, hopefully, trademarked and registered as well. Then it's just the funds that will need tackling.

I am absolutely grateful for my friends, though there are days when I feel so alone, it's just not funny.

*sigh*

I think that I'm just worn out. And if I sit here any longer - with my brain stewing in the negative juices of my mood's production - I will probably feel a lot worse.

Laters.

Peace.

>>> Supporting local talent...

... and getting y'all hooked!

SIXX | Supersonic from The SIXX TV on Vimeo.

Awesome music, awesome group. Show some love! Follow them on Twitter, @wearesixx.

By the way, Space Invaders Are Smoking Grass...

PEACE.

>>> Trudging through the...

... endless wastes of Limbo. Or should that be Purgatory? Heh. 'Tever.

Today, someone asked me what is happiness. To be exact, what is my temporal happiness.

Now, how the hell do you answer something like that? It's quite a spot to be in, to be honest. My mind just went blank; I really couldn't think of anything as a reply.

But thinking about it on the way home, I've realized that I've been so busy trying to get my feet planted back on the ground that I've forgotten what I've been chasing all this while; what will make me HAPPY.

You know how we all have goals and objectives in life that we try to reach? Well, piece of advice, mate, don't ever lose sight of it. And figure out a way to achieve it; won't be easy, but nothing ever is.

Though right about now, I could really use a break. *looks skywards* You readin' me?

*sighs*

All I want in life, honestly, is to be able to create art, share it with others and, if I'm really lucky, teach & inspire as well. Well, not all, I suppose. I would like to be loved for who I am, without reservation nor hidden motives & agendas.

But apparently, that's too much to ask, isn't it. *scowls* Just too much, right?

FEH.

Money is just the means towards an end. Or ends, if the case calls for it. But, in trying to clear myself of certain shackles, I've forgotten everything in my neverending chase for cash and financial independence. *sad sigh*

I am TIRED. I am honestly fed up of having to deal with people and other things that, some-bloody-how, always involves me having to give up my bloody happiness/comfort/whatever to accommodate these others. How about someone give up their bit for me, huh? FOR FUCKING ONCE!?

Oh, but then again, I let people walk all over me. All the time. SO, therefore, it must be my own damn fault.

Probably.

After all, I'm my own worst enemy. Right?

RIGHT.

Ergo, my own fault for letting all the crap happen to me.

I've realised that I've turned this from a contemplative passage on happiness to a bitter rant. FUCK. I'm just too tired, too frustrated and too bitter.

I'M SORRY.

You lot have a nice December ahead. I wish I could hibernate and not wake up at all.

'Night.

_{EDIT: This is NOT directed at nor specifically targeting anyone in particular.}

>>> Her Knives Chau...

... to my Scott Pilgrim?

It's been almost a month since I've been back here. Time does fly when you're as busy as anything.

And, to be rather honest, feeling lazy and often not too sure what to post up here. Strange, neh?

*shrugs*

This entry of mine might turn out to be more of a place holder than anything, really. I've read all the Scott Pilgrim graphic novels plus a coupla dozen novels in the past month, I'm working hard on the SHOELACE MAFIA label idea and dealing with the torrent of ideas tumbling around in my cranium while trying to manage everything else that Life is throwing at me. *shrug* And all of this doesn't make much for a riveting read, SO...

... I'm off to meet peeps and skate. Still not tooo sure if I should carry my inlines.

Probably not.

Heh.

Have a good one, you lot.

LATERS.

>>> An interesting way...

... to design lyrics.

Take five of your favourite songs/tracks from different bands and/or genres, read through their lyrics, pick the lines you like, write 'em out and play jigsaw with them until you get somehing that looks plausibly workable.

Only thing missing now is a working tune/composition. Any volunteers?

It's The Way (You Look At Me)
A Bombshell In Parliament

Make the sadness go away
Come back another day
I see the sadness in your eyes
Melancholy in your cries
When you scream aloud

I've never seen the point
in you killing you
I'll always bite my tongue
to comfort you
This is what I'll die for
I'll save you

It's the way you look at me
With eyes that see off into infinity
It's the way your whispers
seem to kiss my ears
But still, you push me on to see

Again and again and again
you're in everything
And again I see your face
in everything around me
This is what I'll die for
I'll save you

When you scream aloud
I see the sadness in your eyes
Melancholy in your cries
Make the sadness go away
Come back another day

(Our love will have its day)

A Bombshell In Parliament is currently a band that can be considered a work in progress, having only two members at the moment. Of which only one can passably play a musical instrument. But they have big dreams, so in our usual way of supporting those who dream big and plan/plot to blast away to the stars & beyond, we're plugging their insanity before they even do anything, haha!!!

That and the fact that we're all attention whores doesn't hurt as well, hahahahaha!!!

This is also dedicated to the one and only Supernova.

Who just might kill us for publishing the song for the masses since it was originally inspired by and composed for her.

Oh, well, if so, we'd go to our deaths gladly, with a smile on our faces!

*cackles of laughter in the background*

Laters!

>>> Hold on...

... we should be together.

*sigh*

The following song is a favourite of mine and Supernova's... and right about now, it has me on the brink of, well, something. I'm not sure what. Not sure whether it's negative or not, but we'll see. *shrug* The song holds a lot of power, just let it seep through the pores of your being and infect your soul.

Anyways...

I love the band 53A [SUPPORT LOCAL!] and they're such awesome people who deserve so much support and [Macbethian] love! Catch them at Timbre and on Twitter & Facebook. SEARCH for 53A. *grins*

GO GET THEIR ALBUM, AVAILABLE AT STARBUCK OUTLETS ALL OVER THE LION CITY! YOU WON'T REGRET IT!! I SWEAR!!!

For those not from around here, just check out this song. If you want their album, just let me know through the comments section here and I'll work something out with the band.

For now, sit back or curl up in your chair and enjoy the song. *smiles and bows*

We Should Be Together
Settle the Kettle
53A

I don’t ever want to let you go
I don’t ever want you hurt
I don’t ever want another guy
Baby don’t even try

Maybe if I stay
Why would you wanna leave
Will we ever agree?
Will we ever agree.
But if everyone says

Hold on we should be together
If that’s wrong I don’t wanna be right
If you love me then stay on
Just tell me to be strong
Cause no one else
Will understand

Why I have a smile when you’re around
Y’know it’s hard to see that
Lately I have been in a daze
Baby everything stays

Maybe if I stay
Why would you wanna leave
Will we ever agree?
Will we ever agree.
But if everyone says

Hold on we should be together
If that’s wrong I don’t wanna be right
If you love me then stay on
Just tell me to be strong
Cause no one else
Will understand

That we’re in love
That we’re in love.

@Supernova: Know that you're loved always and missed when you're not near. *sigh*

>>> Three more days...

... to a birthday that I usually detest with a passion.

BUT, I'm hoping that this year is almost as good as last year's, if anyone remembers Purple's surprise party that she threw for me at Fish & Co in Dhoby. *sighs with a sad smile* Memories... memories... *sighs and shakes his head*

ANYWAYS.

Though usually I do not get any birthday presents, I seem to have gotten some even before the day itself. Or the promises of some, in certain cases. Purple is treating me to a much needed - and deserved, in my honest opinion - full body massage at a Javanese massage studio/spa in Upper Thomson followed by dinner at a restaurant later. We're still not sure what restaurant since I still can't decide. Supernova's ordered something from Australia which is going to a surprise and the curiousity is eating me alive from the inside. [Thank you very much, baby!] *laughs* She's a such a darling, she's loaned me a coupla hundred quid for my tattoo, which is my gift to myself. The photos will be posted up somewhere after it's done on my birthday. If you want to know about the design, well, all I can say is that the Label is In God's Hands on the XIII'th. *laughs some more*

Purple's mom insisted on getting me three pairs of tailored trousers and I, in my absolute boringness, chose the simple matt black fabric for them. I'll be trying them tonight when I get home after work.

Supernova still wants to take me either flowboarding or to Timbre. She's still thinking about it. I'll just go along with whatever she decides. *grins*

Well, that's about it for presents and birthday plans.

Currently, I'm planning on practicing for the Meeting of Styles in KL. I wanna kill it while I'm there, so I really need to do some hardcore practicing. Probably have to hit the practice grounds at Bukit Batok skate-park. Either that or my room, haha! And sketching, which I've started again. I hadn't realized how much I've missed sketching and graffiti in general.

Even if it the majority of the scene is geared towards ego games and trying to outdo each others' styles. *sighs while rolling eyes upwards*

Also on the design side of things, I'm currently working on my own t-shirt line for skaters. Called the SHOELACE MAFIA, I have about nine to ten designs lined up to sketch out and then finalize. So, to that end, I'm working on collecting suitable fonts and reference images to help me in the designing stages. After that's done, that's when I start looking into the business end of it all. *taps chin thoughtfully* I have a couple of people that I could ask for guidance, advice and such. (Supernova, One Egg & the 13th Greater Evil?) I'm really stoked about this project, and I'm determined to see it through to the end. I'll like to thank my extended family and certain loved ones for their support and enthusiasm. It's contagiously infectious! *leaps in the air with fists thrown up*

In addition, I may just be able to finally finish my Air Gear inspired hooded zip-up sweater/sweatshirt. A friend [Juice] just told me recently about a small store in the Army Market that makes custom embroidered patches which definitely warrants checking out. PLUS, I've finally found fabric to line the insides of the hoodie - including the inside of the hood - and believe it or not, it's actually fabric meant for a curtain! *chuckles* The weird things that I find. In addition, I've found the old front panel of this old tee that I'd cut out which has a really cool stencil-like design on it. I'm going to get it fitted/sewed over the right panel of the hoodie, and it's doubly awesome since the panels are similar colour so it should fit seamlessly! Just have to get the patches done and find a suitable zipper of the correct length to fit to the hoodie. And it will be in the reversed direction just to be different! XD

I'm pretty hyped about the concluding this little project that's been in the works for almost two years now. Amazing, isn't it?

On a side note, I had a craving for Skittles. And am now the proud possesor of a relatively largish bag of the stuff. Kiddy-like smiles all around. And apparently Lain likes the green ones. ONLY the green ones. *laughs*

Well, I'm truly blessed in certain areas of my life.

Even though my family life is the pits and completely messed up most times, I'm still blessed and thankful for what I have.

^{Someday we gonna rise up on that wind you know
Someday we gonna dance with those lions
Someday we gonna break free from these chains and keep on flyin'.}

With that, I'm off to get some other stuff done.

Peace.

>>> Rising in the East of Life...

... or setting in the West of Death?

STUFF Banzai Skullion

This is the first [proper] concept piece since about two to three months ago, it's rough, raw, sketchy and not cleaned up in the least. And I'm not apologetic about it in the least since it seems to work in the design's favour.

Inspired by (1) the question posed by the title, (2) the Japanese traditional depiction of the Rising Sun, and (3) the manga Air Gear by Oh! Great, a certain patch/insignia design on one of the volumes' covers, the design was originally sketched in pencil with GraphGears, followed by inking with a mix of Artliners (Copics, Artlines & Sakura Microns) and then finally coloured with both texters (Staedtler Triplus & ZIG Clean Colour) plus shading with Faber-Castell colour pencils.

The final, full-paged illustration was photographed with a Sony Ericsson C702 Cyber-Shot mobile. It was uploaded to the nearest available computing device to be tossed into Adobe PS CS5 where a t-shirt template was lapped over it and then cropped. Sounds easy, but wasn't, even though it was pretty simple to execute, in theory.

Say hello to the very first t-shirt [concept] design from the original label [concept] STUFF, the Banzai Skullion!

Hopefully, one day, this t-shirt will see the light of day, being produced in limited quantities for your consumption.

PEACE!

>>> Walking along the borders...

... of melancholy and wistfulness, steeped in the colours of fading sunsets.

While in the store, I was clearing out my wallet. You know, just to chuck out all the name cards and stuff that I don't need or that are taking up space.

And I found something that I'd clearly forgot having. And, to be honest, I felt that I shouldn't have forgotten in the first place since it's one of the most prized possessions that I have... and just for its sentimental and emotional value.

Just a small sheet, a page torn from a book, could be considered to be no more than a little slip of paper with a cute print of humanoid bird of some kind flying a single prop plane in the top right corner and filled with the print-like script of words from someone who loved me, once upon a time. And whom I still love, even now, so long after the fact, regardless of returns.

*shrugs sadly*

I remember receiving it from her just when we were starting to go out together. You know, the whole romantic phase of things, getting to know each other better. Discovering what lies beneath everything of the other and self. I miss those times and then some after.

The words upon the sheet mean so much to me... well, it will stay in my wallet till it rots, for as long as I live. No one has loved me that way before nor will again in future, for each one loves another in a different way.

*sighs deeply*

For those who care to know what's written on that slip of paper, SORRY! It's private.

TOTALLY private.

Okay? Alright then.

Suffice to say it evokes equal parts sadness and joy through melancholy and wistfulness.

Well, y'all have a good day now!

I'm off to read.

>>> Stepped out...

... onto a field of darkness descendant.

While at work, towards the end of the shift, my mind started wandering and stepped out onto a field of darkness descending from across the horizons of my mind's eye. Something within my consciousness snapped and shuddered, like reeds in a gale.

Needing to let it out, my hands first scrawled in a rushed scribble across crinkled paper before committing the words to the screens of the wide panoramas of the internet. My fingers danced across the keys, black print almost floating off of my screen, swimming before my eyes as the words became lines, turned to phrases, transformed into a passage.

And the finished piece rests here, its tendrils of darkness seeping into the subconscious of your computer's hardwired memory...

... or perhaps it's just a figment of an active imagination. We can but hope, ey, my friends?

An inner fire grows dim,
Vessels hollow and cold.
And yet, and yet,
A sliver so slim
Familiar twitch of old
Innards writhe and sweat
Till the world explodes
In a mind's eye overload.
Do tell, fair maiden,
Where, how and when
This will go and end?

FIN.

>>> A long weekend...

... lies ahead of me.

Lots to do, so little time. But there's no denying that I have an awesome job!

Even if someone has managed to steel a Sector 9 Carbon TR3 (red) carbon fiber longboard from the store's display shelves in Scape on Wednesday. *grimaces* Of all the stupid things to happen, that kind of thing has to happen.

FUCK.

So, since my parents are apparently MENTAL, the house is going to be pulled out from under my feet, and my money keeps going missing in the house plus some of my momney has disappeared from the bank... well, let's just say that being frustrated is an understatement.

And scratch the apparently bit about my parents. They are mental.

Oh. My. Freaking. God.

I just wanted to sleep. Is that too much to ask for???

Apparently, yes. -___-

>>> Such bloody dreams...

... do humans have.

Woke up this morning feeling even more tired than when I went to sleep. Even more so due to a strangely disturbing dream that I had.

Especially since it had me waking up with a silent scream and almost bathed in cold sweat.

Allow me to relate the details of my travails within the Realms of Dreams.

I was in a dim room, lying face down on a wooden counter-top of some kind, the grains of wood rough against my skin. What light there was shone down through a grimy bulb fixed to a lamp swinging from the ceiling.

My wrists and ankles were tied down, the cords chaffing, yet bound tight. I was only able to crane my neck up a little off the table to see a full-length mirror with words scrawled across it in a dark red paste almost like clotted blood. I realize now that the mirror was how I knew the swinging lamp was above me. The words swam across the mirror's surface like words typed across a screen, seemingly alive.

All I could make, from among the multitude of passages and phrases, was this, "Broken thou art, thy back snapped, thy heart lost. She careth not for thee, or, as more likely, careth not enough by far. Close thou standst, yet further from thy reach doth She dance and caper. Thou havest no need for that which is already broken."

It is still seared in my mind's eye. I can only hope that it fades away soon. It is really quite disturbing.

Yet again, through the mirror, I catch sight of two faceless women with long, curly hair, dressed in blood splattered and ragged nurse-like dresses. And when I say faceless, I really do mean faceless. Faceless without any features, flat and as plain as a plate. As one of them moves, her hair swings, her bangs sweeping across her forehead, I catch a glimpse a symbol that looks almost Japanese carved into her forehead.

(After much searching, I finally found the closest possible kanji to it: 死)

I strangely feel no fear or wonder or any sort of emotion. It is like I'm numb on the inside. I'm watching, with detachment, as one of the faceless nurses produces a scalpel of her palm. A scalpel the length of my middle finger.

And while one presses down on my shoulders, the scalpel wielder plunges the scalpel down between my shoulder blades and in one movement, slices my back open all the way down to the base of my back. My flesh parts like butter sliced with a red-hot knife, the blood that sprays in the air vaporising as though the air was boiling hot.

My back feels like somewhat has set me on fire by throwing me into a raging bonfire with my skin already torn off. I scream but no sound comes out, my eyes are open so wide that I can almost feel my eyelids going back into my eye sockets.

Then the two nurses rip out my spine.

The raging pain disappears, replaced by a low burning sensation and a fading sting-like pain.

And then I watch in horror as one nurse drives her arm in through my open back and digs around for a while before pulling her arm out in a fountain of spraying blood and chunks of meat.

She's holding my heart in a crushing grip with her up-stretched arm and...

It's. Not. Beating.

I try to scream, my mouth opened wide...

... and I wake up in my bed, mouth open to scream but no sound coming out.

And I swear that my back felt like it was on fire and for a few moments I think I couldn't feel my heart at all. The weird, vivid dreams that plague my sleep, and this is the worst nightmare of all time so far.

Hope the rest of you can sleep peacefully.

Or at least more than I do.

>>> Past midnight...

... and feeling like concussing on the floor.

But I can't quite yet. Something within is tormenting me continuously. I think that I know what it is, but can't be sure.

I have my patience and according to a lot of people, regardless of my impulsiveness at times, I have an infinite amount of it. Not quite, though, everything has a limit. And it feels like it's being tested to that line.

*grimaces*

I can't shake the feeling that I'm being dragged along by the throat. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

This hurts, mentally.

Crap.

Need sleep.

Really, really need sleep.

>>> Sadly at work...

... alone and hungover.

When you miss someone, it is often difficult to distract yourself. Even more so when love songs and ballads are being played or performed in your immediate vicinity.

It just stokes the fires of that "hunger", if you know what I'm getting at.

Human emotions. Easily played by various factors.

Go figure.

*shrug*

>>> Back...

... to where it all began!

The Boards-and-Stuff "Originals" crew is back in the house at its roots in Far East, y'all!

Now, before you get confused, the store at far East was being run by a different crew under a separate management but under the auspices of the BNS name. However, the store has been "returned" to the Originals from the beginning of September.

And, after a short makeover/revamp, the store is once again open for BIZ-ness!!

Sporting a brand, spanking new look and concept, pandering to the lifestyle and culture of the skate scene, the store looks dead inviting and very sleek!

With brands such as VOX, SUPRA and KREW plus the slew of decks from the likes of Deathwish and Real, it's got something for almost any kind of skater, regardless of whether you're punk, hip-hop, ghetto fab or just keeping it real-and-gritty. Pointblank, it's somewhere to be and check out with cool stuff to get.

'Nuff said!

So, drop by, say "HEY!" and swap a quick fistbump-shake with the BNS crew over there.

Anytime from 12.30 in the PM till 9 at night!

CHECK IT, AIIGHT!!!

>>> For those Drop Dead fans...

... a simple wallpaper using one of their bylines.



Phrases on a white background, sized for most generic screens with a resoultion of 1280x1024.

The clothing company that spawned this can be found by clicking here: Drop Dead.

ENJOY!

>>> Fatigued to the bones...

... but it was so worth it!

FREE THE ROBOTS had an awesome ass-kicking, ear-blowing, mind-blasting and body-rocking one-hour long set at Home Club; which was preluded by The Crazy88, who put on an amazing show to crank the crowd up even more for FtR. I wish that I had pictures and/or videos to show, but my mobile's built-in camera wouldn't work in the dimness of the club nor do I own a powerful camera. Yet.

But suffice to say that the sets played, especially by Free The Robots, were totally amazing (I know that I'm using this word a lot, but it's the straight up truth), getting everyone pumped and rocking. True to the hype, FtR delivered and then some, his energy and passion at the decks spreading like a contagion on crack to the crowd. The crowd was rocking out, no holds barred!

However, the night was marred by an altercation between two couples [one of which was reportedly the owners of Home) towards the end of FtR's set. To be honest, I am ashamed of the crowd's reaction towards the incident and I'll leave it at that since it doesn't matter in the long run and didn't ruin the party overall.

It was still a great night, especially hanging with the ever gorgeous (yet tired) Nell, the keeping-it-chill-and-taking-it-slow Louis Q and the alcohol-blasted Roz (who raps something wicked when he's tanked up! XD).

Louis was a great listener; and, hopefully my advice helps him out with his current sitrep.

Now to take my own advice and take things slow, too.

Y'all have a good day and week ahead, I'm out for now, leaving you with a music video of FtR's track Jazzhole.

LATERS!!!

>>> Reaching the limit...

... and wanting to break free.

I want out.

Out of my home.

I'd rather rent a small place with some friends than have to live here with all these people constantly throwing my flaws in my face. And blaming me for everything that goes wrong.

Even if something bad happens to me, instantly it's my fault. Oh, joy.

Even when I'm the victim, I'm the one at fault.

FUCK.

I hate this place. I'm no longer safe. I'm not comfortable. I hate having to leave my room when I'm home. I hate it here.

I. Want. To. Leave.

STAT!

*screams*

>>> Let's make this...

... as quick and painless as possible.

First off, let me just say that I should've blogged a while ago, but it's been pretty damn hectic and busy over the last coupla days. So, I'll just run through my life of the past few days really quickly and I'll try to keep it brief.

After all, all of you are pretty busy people, running around with your own deals.

*nonchalant shrug*

SO...

Friday was the day that I saw how much determination that two individuals can possibly have and how stubborn we can get. Shan and I walked a 108 times around the Murugan Hill Temple, despite the lack of sleep, the gnawing hunger, the parched mouths, the hurtful tiles and, above all, the hammering rain.

It was a relief when we finished, sinking to kneel in front of Muruga Deva in gratitude. I can only hope that our nine days of faithfulness and discipline, for lack of a better word, bears fruit.

I also learned that sitting around in a pair of soaked boxers is a miserable experience. I was sorely tempted to steal a pair of boxers from the store. -____-'''

Anyways!

I did not steal anything from the store. HONEST.

Saturday was spent at work, opening Scape for Wan at 11am [and I thought that I'd be late! No such luck!] and then working at Cine from 8pm till 11pm. TWELVE hours at work. *shakes head violently quick* That was insane, not doing it ever again, I swear, not unless I really have to.

But it was pretty cool, all told. Lots of stocks again. Seriously, there should be some sort of warning and after closing packing party or something. *sigh* Tiring.

Well, I'm at work now, in Scape. With Elaine, who must be a little off coz she thinks that she's fat just coz she has somewhat larger thighs than most scrawny girls on the street. And she has pretty nice hair, too. *laughs* No, I'm not crushing on her or anything. 'Sides, she's way too young, too.

BUT, she is attractive. But that's the end of that, aiight.

Oh, 30 Seconds to Mars is playing at the moment and I've discovered that the bass for our our sub-woofer and speakers is damn powerful. *grins* I have an awesome job even if the pay isn't that awesome.

I'm still waiting for Scott Pilgrim Versus The World to drop here in SG. It's already opened in the States, but it'll take almost two freaking months or more before it drops here. >___< I'm waiting for the DVD release and the subsequent rips, hahahaha. GO PIRATES!!! XD

Anyways, I promised to keep this short and that's all there is.

Meeting Bruce later at 8 and Lincoln's crashing at my crib tonight 'coz we gotta hit a team meeting in the morning.

IN the immortal words of the peasant/peon units from Warcraft: "Work, work!"

Laters, gators.

>>> Crazy stuff...

... keeps happening.

And I wonder what on Earth did I do to deserve it?

I mean, seriously, like WHAT??

Getting beaten up by someone is already a really disturbing and damaging event. Having it happen to you in your own home is downright insulting and a killer in a psychological sense; after all, it's your home which means that you're supposed to be safe.

When one of your own best friends beats you down in your home, that's just traumatizing.

No one has the bloody right to harm another, even out of anger or whatever, regardless of whether you're in any kind of relationship with another. (War is a completely different matter altogether, but still not quite right.)

Especially on your own home turf.

Even if one made a huge mistake and offended the other party, whether on purpose or by accident, it does not warrant a beating or any kind of physical abuse/harm. And even if the other doesn't want to accept the apologies, reasons and/or circumstances, has their own ideas of everything that has occurred and/or does not wish to believe whatever that has been brought forth... well, IT'S STILL NOT RIGHT.

I'm sorry, but it's just WRONG, no matter how you look at it.

That's it, end of story, period.

Feth me, what a life.

-____-'''

>>> Pretty cute...

... and it's kind of for someone in particular.

But not you. Or you.

Or even you.

Not for who you're really thinking of either. Or maybe you might be thinking of the right one, I don't know.

Just enjoy!

Aaron Fresh - Spending All My Time

>>> You would think...

... that by now, I'd have some brains and sense?

I've left that horrible job at that restaurant which was ridiculous anyway.

But I'm now working happily at a new job with a skate shop chain. AND I GOT TO WORK A BOOTH AT BAYBEATS WITH A FANTASTIC VIEW OF THE POWERHOUSE STAGE. Was so awesome with the bands An Honest Mistake, Chiscoci and King Lychee rocking it out like CRAZY!!!

Gonna be doing it again today, too, which rocks so much.

Laters.

_{Mujhe tumse dil se pyar hai.}

>>> Thinking...

... and still thinking.

She will never be just a fond memory...

I don't know how to explain it, but suffice to say that she will always be more that that. There are so many things that I want to say to her, but can't since it doesn't seem to ever be the right time for it. Maybe someday soon, the time will be right.

I don't know, it's all in God's hands. I know who I love, and that's that.

*exhales a stream of smoke*

Well, I'll leave you with a random laidback, slow-paced music video that I came across earlier.

Laters, peeps.

>>> Being hated...

... is something that anyone can live with.

Even if it's a negative emotion to deal with, especially when directed by others at one's self. At least, it's someone admitting, in a twisted sense, that you actually exist.

But indifference...

... Indifference is a completely different matter.

It implies a position of uncaring-, unfeeling- and altogether unbothered-ness towards another being. Now, when having indifference directed at yourself, it can bloody hurt. Emotionally, mentally and psychologically damaging is the act of indifference. Honestly, it is. It leaves the victim feeling unimportant, insignificant and non-existent. To sum it up in one word, meaningless.

Being ignored is but the first step along the path of indifference, and, by then, it's already too late. There's nothing that one can do to stop that slide.

Indifference kills as slowly and surely as a slow-burning cigarette stuck in a barrel of petrol.

It is a potent weapon in anyone's arsenal, to cause grievous harm to another, regardless of the situation. And a firm favourite of the ladies on this world, even if they don't realize it.

Please, people, abstain from using this tactic as much as possible. Remember that karma bites and that we're all human. Consider others' feelings.

Thank you.

And we end today's post with this message which I think is kinda funny and not really related:

"The subscriber that you are trying to reach is currently busy losing his mind. Please try again later."

>>> The sky's so blue...

... part deux?

Not really.

If my vision of the sky being like a vast field of blue, I knew that that perspective would be shattered and smashed into thousands of fragments and slivers like mirror dropped from an immense height.

And trust one of my parents to cause the break in my concentration, to bring me back down from a peaceful, undisturbed view.

I resent them. Not for ruining my life, or anything like all out blame for where my life has come to, but for contributing to the situation that I'm in and for raising me to listen to them without much questioning. Oh, but, no, it's my goddamn fault that I didn't argue with my parents and stand my ground, blah blah blah. EVERYTHING is my goddamned fault, according to them.

And I'm expected to do everything on my own for myself; even though for the past ten years since my first year in Poly, I have been stuck under their roof and it's a known fact that diploma is just not enough in this country. Whatever I wanted to do, whatever I had a passion for, the directions in which I wanted to go, were all basically stopped by them.

So, I'm the eldest child. Which therefore means that I get called first for EVERYTHING, to do household chores, to do things for them, etcetera etcetera. And when ANYTHING goes wrong, I'm the first to be blamed for it, even when it's damn well known that I'm not typically reputed for whatever just went wrong. And even when I do something nice for anyone in this house, there's no real gratitude or, more commonly, someone just finds something to nitpick on.

Why? 'Coz there's the belief in the house that I can't do anything right. Oh, joy. Wonderful.

I resent my parents for the way that they treat me and ridicule & belittle me.

I'm really getting fed up of this whole thing. If I could, I'd leave and find a place of my own, but unfortunately, I'm stuck here till I can find a proper damn job. =___=

*rubs his right temple with a palm*

My throat is sore, my left eye is still grainy and blurry and I'm in pain all along my shoulders & neck. And my cranial cavity is throbbing in mad pain from a migraine and frustration, which leaves me needing a damn cigarette again.

My parents have no faith or belief in me. And I'm starting to realize that not many people do.

*sighs with a loud exhalation*

^{Fuck. It. All.}

>>> The sky's so blue...

... and the clouds are like wisps of cotton candy.

It's amazing, considering how crazy the weather has been. It's a truly beautiful day. The kind that's good for laundry and for good men & women to pass away peacefully. I found myself looking up at the sky with a cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of my mouth and just staring at the expanse of the bright blue that stretched up, out and away.

Also discovered that I was thinking how nice it would be to just let go of this mortal shell and let the spirit climb and climb into that clear sky, to rise above the clouds and see the radiant glory of the sun. It really does feel like a good day to die...

... and then I was thinking of washing my laundry because I'm running out of boxers again. *sigh* But, what do you expect when you only have 5 boxers left from the dozen or so that you originally had?

Oh, well. *shrugs with hands spread*

And then I saw this really big bubble, floating on the wind across the field. It went so far but then I think it hit a tree and burst, which I find so sad. Such a real life metaphor: you travel so far, you go with the flow of things, think that everything is alright and getting better but then your "bubble" hits something and it pops like a weasel, dashing your plans, your thoughts & ideas and your life at that moment.

But it was a really pretty bubble.

*sigh*

Truly a beautiful day.

*deeper sigh*

>>> Hmmm...

... stranger and stranger.

Never thought that I'd be a victim of unrequited love. Always thought that kind of thing only happens in movies and books, to be honest. Or to other people, at the very least.

Nor did I ever believe that I'd be the cause of such a situation to another.

*sighs*

My situation seems to get stranger and stranger as the days go by. And I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but it's not really my fault, thank you very much.

God, if you're reading this, I deserve some peace right about now.

Domo arigato!

>>> Sometimes...

... you just have to wonder whether some higher power has it in for you.

Nothing is going right for me at this moment. Absolutely nothing.

I have spent the last FIVE days at home, trapped under quarantine due to a pair of bloody sore eyes. As such, I have been alternatively bored to death and apathetic. And to add to all that, I yet again have no fan in my room since the last one died under mysterious circumstances.

I hate my current workplace along with some of its staff.

I hate the state of mind that I currently have.

I hate most things and people in general at the moment.

Feh. I need a cigarette.

No point venting.

Laters.

>>> Parental advisory ...

... they will drive you MAD.

I realize that I have come very close to hating my immediate family. And it probably stems from deep seated resentment of my middle brother and, through him, my parents. Or maybe even without him, I'd still resent my parents. *shrug* The point is that I resent almost the whole lot of them. There is no free conversation in this household, no one tells anyone what's happening in their lives unless they get something out of it, in a personal way. Or unless they want to gloat or boast or show-off.

No one even expresses their love for the others, in any way. My own mother can get annoyed or find it so weird when I hug her.

My parents have no faith in me. But I'm expected to perform all the duties of an eldest son and brother, but for no reward or anything for myself. There is no respect, my dignity is stripped constantly, even when my friends are here. They give no "face" and they offer no peace. Everything is some umbrage to be taken up against me, something that I did wrong, that I'm too stupid to have known, etcetera, etcetera.

But I'm expected to function like a cog in their oh-so wonderful system.

Maybe I'm just a cog, and not human anymore... after all, my feelings are never considered within these walls. My mother especially constantly nitpick and drags up the past, often rubbing it my face that I'm a failure compared to my brothers and that my talents will never bring me money since they're "unmarketable". Just the best kind of things to hear from your own parents, right? *sarcastic venom drips down and burns holes in the floor* Such bloody wonderful things. And the sins of the parents will be carried on in their get... so I unknowingly put a bunch of people through what my parents do, with dragging up the past and being such a nitpicker. FUCK.

So can I really be blamed for wanting to stay away from them? For not wanting to help them?? For not wanting to be staying with them any longer???

But I have nowhere else to go, at all. Not without being a burden to anyone.

And the one person who... nevermind, suffice to say, I feel abandoned. Tossed aside like so much trash. She obviously doesn't care, right?

And I'm expected to not have issues. Oh, gee, really. Who the fuck has faith in me? Not my family... or you could say that they have faith in the fact that I will screw up in the end, as always. Thanks, mom! Thanks, dad!

FUCK.

FUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!

TWENTY-EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AND YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN BLOODY SON. WELL FUCKING DONE, MY WONDERFUL PARENTS.

Hope you're proud of the screw-up you have for a son.

Oh, wait, I forgot, you're NOT. Don't know whether you ever have been and probably never will be. BRILLIANT.

Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant.

*kicks an imaginary can down the field*

Just brilliant.

>>> Roiling and fuming...

... and it doesn't seem to end.

SO.

I'm really starting to wonder exactly how many people think that I'm a loser and a complete utter failure.

So far, that would be my ex-girlfriend [Purple] who broke up with a coupla months ago, my wonderful bloody parents who keep harping about my failures and past, my brothers who seem to think that i can't do anything right and some person who doesn't have the guts to stand up to me in the flesh and tell me that... that would make six so far, that I know of.

Always the same bloody things from the parentals. I really can't take this anymore. I want to leave but I have no money to do so. And even if I did, I have nowhere to go.

I need a bloody job, preferably in an office. I can no longer do this service line crap, especially in the F&B sector. It's nothing but exploitative and bloody fucking tiring. I'm fed-up.

Royall, bloody well, completely, utterly, totally and wholly fucking FED UP!!!

I want something worthy of me, my education, skills and talents.

What I have to go through now is complete BULLSHIT. I hate this country and its exploitative ways, with no minimum wage, no proper welfare, lack of common courtesy and general decency, its inane don't-get-involved-not-my-problem mindset and ability to bend the rules for its own benefit.

FUCK.

Can't even get a break or a foot in any door. SO FUCKING IRRITATING.

And I have to put up everyone in this bloody house breathing down my neck and looking down their fat, chubby noses at me, like I'm an insect or some servile fool.

My ex?

Don't know what she's playing at. Being discarded by her with the whole "I don't love you anymore" was one of the most hurtful things that I've ever had to go through and I'm still reeling from it, trying to recover. And she probably has no idea how worthless and how much of a loser she's made me feel like.

And I sure as hell don't like hearing that she's not worth me and that she doesn't deserve me, blah-blah-blah, 'coz that makes me feel even more of a loser since it's like a lot of people are making it out like I made a HUGE mistake being with her.

I'M NOT A LOSER, NOR AM I A FAILURE.

I'm just starting out late.

But I bet that someone out there is probably going, and I quote, "Yeah, you tell yourself that. Maybe one day you'll believe it. Loser", unquote.

I'M NOT A LOSER!!!

I believe that.

Now will the rest of you believe that, too?

>>> Strange...

... how I feel from day to day.

It's such a roller coaster. God alone knows why I'm going through this.

Is it really so hard to let go of someone?

And why do I feel so gutted in the mornings? Like the fresh catch of fish brought to port?

*sigh*

I know that I'm not replaceable and neither is she, to be honest, but everyone is different, I guess. I just want to be loved for who, what and how I am. And I want a new, meaningful job that will help me make use of my talents and skills... I just need the chance to get my foot in the door.

Well, here's to the [hopeful] ending of the bad times and a beginning of good ones.

Cheers.

>>> Strange dreams...

... usually mean something.

And I hope that the one that I just had means something good. Allow me to explain.

I fell asleep in my room sometime this afternoon and somehow slipped into a dream-like state, where I felt like I had been transported to another place and time.

Where I'm lying down on a very plush couch, feeling very comfortable, with my eyes closed and yet half-asleep when I feel this presence sit down somewhere near the edge of the sofa, next to me. A hand, somewhere between being soft and hard, slips into mine, our fingers locking. There's a reassuring squeeze and I feel a smile radiating from this presence... and it feels very feminine.

And then I feel a pressure on my chest, like a little child had climbed up and decided to curl up on me to sleep.

I felt so content... and loved.

I woke up with all these feelings, of the weight, of the presences, expecting to suddenly see them, like the real waking world was the dream...

... so strange.

So bittersweet.

I find myself wondering whether I'll ever reach or achieve those feelings in future.

It would be nice.

>>> Sleeping patterns...

... thrown right out the door.

Really having trouble sleeping at night, which leads to waking up really late and feeling rather like I've been through hell with the whole bodyache thing.

Only things keeping the calm [in the immediate vicinity] are chanting the mantra and cigarettes.

Smoking way too much, but it's a like a temporary escape from the stress and pressure.

*sigh*

Nervous and apprehensive about tomorrow 'coz I have to face Her. Possibly for the last time.

Sad.

Sad that's it all come to this.

And I can't cancel 'coz I don't want to be like her crock friends who always cancel at the last minute and leave her hanging. That and I want this to be over...

... I just wish and hope that it ends well.

Pray for me.

Please.

>>> Sad and cold...

... and shivering.

It's really chilly. The rain has been falling since 4, maybe 5 this morning. And it still hasn't stopped yet. I'm in desperate need of a cigarette but can't afford any at the moment.

I love the rain but it makes me sad nowadays... melancholic with memories, I suppose.

The cold is very pervasive, even when bedded down under a blanket, I'm left feeling very cold. I miss having another warm body [of the female persuasion] to share my bed with... *sigh*

But then again, there's really only one woman I'd like to share my bed [and life] with, but she's not, well, around anymore. And no matter what happens, I realize that I will always love her. It's crazy. *shrug* Oh, well...

... sad, cold, lonely and shivering.

What a Friday.

>>> In pain...

... in more ways than one.

I have this urge to cry and I'm feeling so weird that it's not funny. Not that anyone cares nor do I wish to burden anyone else with my troubles. So, I've effectively cut myself off from others for the time being.

My body aches everywhere, my back and shoulders especially. *stretches painfully slow* I swear that the first thing that I'll do with my paycheque, aside from depositing it in the bank is to get a bloody back massage. I. NEED. IT.

And the funny thing is that I've been trying to get one for the longest time... and never got it due to some reason or the other.

*sighs*

Still feeling empty and hollow. Something is missing. And there's nothing that I can do about it.

I'm just waiting for the sun to come out again...

... metaphorically speaking.

>>> Busy, busy...

... and wishing I could sleep.

I keep looking at my mobile, expecting messages or a call. I'm not sure from who, really, but I keep expecting something.

*shrug*

Weird.

>>> Sleep...

... seems like a commodity.

Sleep continues to elude me. I wake each day feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. And can't seem to fall asleep when I desperately need to. And my bed feels too empty of late, for some reason. *shrugs sadly*

Will I ever get to sleep peacefully and in bliss?

*SIGH*

>>> Deadbeat and wasted...

... but it was worth it.

It's been a busy weekend.

Like really busy.

And I'm so beat that, by right, I really shouldn't be in front of the computer. However, lamentably, not much in my life has not ever gone by left, so this is in the same vein.

Unfortunately, due to the sheer hustle of this past weekend, it has also meant that I've been losing or missing out on sleep. So far, I've accumulated not more than ten hours of sleep in the [roughly] last 72 hours or so. Too much tossing, turning and shaking myself awake while falling into a slumber. The peaceful sleep that I crave is eluding me and I'm starting to wonder if I'm becoming a complete insomniac.

*half-shrugs*

Time will tell, in my reckoning.

To summarize the whole weekend, one word says it all: BUSY.

Seriously.

Friday was spent reading and trying to catch the ever elusive sandman in snatches, before hitting Supperclub for the debut of Funk, Soul, Dubstep and Drum'n'Bass quartet of DJs [Nez, Shafiq, Yadin & Rah] who absolutely rocked out the night. A great big thank you to Rozz for inviting me to the party, as well as for being a supportive friend in an unrelated matter. Met some really old skatemates, which was awesome. I even had my mug photographed in the club which was so coooooool. Rozz introduced me to the DJs, all the seriously crazily cool people who came including the SMG crew, his housemate Eric, full-time Junglist Andy (hope you get back to London soon!) and his girl Yana, who is such a sweetheart!
^{Shame on those peeps who said that they would show but didn't! SHAME!!!}

Oh, and Rozz is a pretty talented rapper, freestyling like no tomorrow when he had the opportunities, drunk or not! BIG UPS TO THE TROOPER OF THE NIGHT!! *smiles widely*

However, if the [regular] crowd that night was typical of a standard night at Supperclub, I am not going there ever again. Even with Julian - an old skate buddy - as the resident DJ! The crowd was just too yuppie-like and straining to be upper-class. Not to mention that there were next to no other races other than the Chinese and some random Snob Mats. -__- *sigh* Not my kinda crowd at all.

Saturday emerged out of Friday in sleepless-addled daze after I went to sleep at eight in the morning because I could find the legendary sleep monster and ended up reading [and finishing] one of Shaan's library books.

But it was a good day since I got to spend most of the afternoon with Farrah, Cha, Ash and Bruce. We had lunch plus delicious ice-cream in Holland Village and just caught up with each other and talked a LOT. And they are so supportive, I'm truly blessed to have such friends who are like family. *smiles* Also, I managed to meet Ashvin for a short while, too, before that.

The Book of Eli should become a cult classic, especially with fans of the post-apocalyptic genre. It contains some awesome action scenes and pretty original twists. It pretty much rocks, in my honest opinion.

I miss Nani, though, my Starbucks sister from another mother. She apparently has permanent Saturdays off now. Which is awesome for her!

By the way, the Daily Scoop is an awesome, awesome place for really gorgeously delicious homemade+handmade ice-cream. And it doesn't hurt that the place has a sentimental place in my heart for obvious reasons aside from ice-cream. *wry smile*

Sunday arose from the ashes of Saturday in a a haze of filtered sunlight and waking dream-choked sight. Rushed out of the house so I could meet up with Shan to help her move things from a storage facility in Clementi to her new home in Teck Whye, which is less than 5 minutes from Sue.

Also found out that we have a mutual friend without realizing it: KENNY. Amazing how small Singapore is. I have a funny feeling that almost everyone here is connected in some way.

Plus I met another old friend from way back when I was in high school, Dinesh, who I hadn't seen in slightly over a decade. It was awesome seeing him again, honestly, and we're going to try to meet up sometime soon to catch up.

But, ouch, i swear that towards the end of the day, I felt like I was gonna crap my spine out of my ass, especially after the tiles that we had to lift and store away. And my thighs are feeling wobbly plus a little on the burning side of things.

I am going to feel it all tomorrow, I just know it.

*stretches and rubs back sadly*

But it still doesn't change the fact that it's been a good weekend.

But tomorrow...

Tomorrow fills me with apprehension and a little fear, to be honest. Probably just new job jitters, but I don't really know. I can't seem to find any reassurance and it really sucks. *breathes out in a gust* Oh, well, all I can do is work hard and try to stay out of trouble.

Thursday should be interesting, too, for other reasons.

Well, we'll just see what the mists of time reveal when they roll away as the light of the present pierces its depths.

FIN.

>>> Some people...

... only realise what they have when they've lost it.

... never realize what they've lost at all.

... believe themselves so righteous in their actions that reason escapes them.

... suffer greatly from the mistakes of others, even though they are bystanders.

... like to play games with people, beyond what is right.

... are stubborn beyond all rhyme and reason.

... instinctively run away from problems that they believe they cannot face.

... never stop running their whole life.

... are great teasers that keep you wanting more while keeping you at arm's length.

... run into their loved ones' arms and stay there.

... hate everything and everyone around them.

... love solitude.

... don't like being alone for very long.

... have great advice for others, but may sometimes need help themselves.

... try to be something that they really aren't.

... put on a facade for the whole world to see, and tear it off when at home or alone with tears running down their face.

... have issues, but doesn't everyone to some degree?

... always try to do what's right even if it would kill them.

... are not most people and refuse to conform to the mainstream.

... are just crazy.

... like to play with others' hearts and bodies.

... are hilarious with a great sense of humour.

... feel that they cannot move on and wallow in misery.

... take their misery and turn it into anger to fuel their forward movement.

... remember the good things, forgive and keep going with hope in their chest.

... are looking for a greater meaning or purpose in life.

... just love unconditionally.

... are thrown aside at whim.

... pick themselves up and keep going.

... just stay down in the dirt.

... are creative and artistic, to some degree.

... have wild and beautiful imaginations.

... have talent.

... work very hard.

... will never ever read this list that will go on and on if I do not stop here.

So...

... Which ones are YOU?

Or would you like to add on some others?

>>> Upon stormy seas...

... do we all sail.

If Love be a turbulent sea of storm-tossed waves and dark, low-hanging clouds wreathed in the sharp daggers of lightning and banks of rolling, rumbling thunder, then the ones whom we love are islands of calm in the tumult and their open arms safe harbours to wait out the passing storms.

While those that mean us harm are akin to jagged rocks lying just beneath the surface, awaiting their chance to dash the ships of our journey upon their deadly teeth, to consign us to the gloomy depths of misery and sorrow.

Be not the dangerous rocks, my friends.

Be the islands of calm.

^LDSH

>>> The last of a dying breed...

... one of the few good, decent men left out there.

Or so said a friend of mine, in reference to me. However, I'm not here to brag nor is this about my finer qualities. Not at all.

Honest. *grins*

It's 6.40 in the morning, it's chilly, my nose has decided to make a break for it and I just had the one of the longest phone conversations with a girl, since like ages ago.

Almost five hours long, crikey, with both of us zoning out and falling asleep towards the end of it. And she has to get to work at the hospital by 7. Like, holy crap. She called me 'coz she couldn't sleep and we ended up talking and shooting the breeze... and I think that we were inadvertently flirting with each other, but I don't really know 'ocz (1) it could be the lack of sleep fuzzing my brain out and/or (2) I, on my part, have no idea how to flirt.

I'm not kidding. Seriously, I don't.

Which would explain why I can't identify flirting even when it walks down the street wearing sexy, artfully torn mesh-net stockings, sporting a neon pink punk-rockish hairdo and backhands me in the face. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

*chuckles*

I'm not dense, I'm just kinda "blur", haha.

And, then again, there is that whole level of comfort that we have since we can say pretty much anything we want to the other with next to no negative consequences. Or, at least, so far. She let me get away with telling her to "get her sexy ass out the door to work"... which was kinda funny and rather surreal. AND I have no idea where that line came from. She laughed, so I guess that it's all good, nyeh?

*shakes head*

Your Honour, I blame lack of sleep for a temporary loss of vocal control and sanity.

At the very least, though, that long conversation proved one thing. I can still make a girl laugh with good humour, sharp [corrupt] wit and intelligence. *small grin*

Okay, so it was kind of about my finer qualities.

So sue me!

*laughs*

>>> Blank...

... is the title.

For I know not what to put down.

Well, the past week has been an emotional roller-coaster ride, and I've finally stopped riding the crazy loops and such. Thank God for no breaks in the tracks for the trams to jump.

Most things have steadied and straightened out. Only a few wrinkles, such as bloody employment and money, to iron out.

They'll be done eventually, I reckon.

On the other hand, I'm seriously losing interest in Facebook since it often feels bloody pointless at times. Takezo has refueled my EVE Online account so I'm being pretty much a fiend about it, though I was almost totally demoralized last night when someone blew up my prized ship. *grimaces* But work hard again to get some more ISK for parts and a newer, better ship. Though quite a few friends are laughing at the name I gave it.

'Manda and Nez are chatting [and giggling] over Skype or something in the next room, sounds rather cute, honestly. I could say that I feel a twinge of jealousy, but I don't think it's jealousy. More like a wry form of happiness for them.

I need a cigarette.

Anyways, I seem to be losing weight. Might be able to convince that Razza brother of mine to loan his bike to me so I can go cycling again, when he's not home. Good thing that the gas station is near home so I can pump the tyres. Soon, I'll feel the freedom that biking like a maniac used to give me. *grins* Or, at least, I hope so.

And another damn good reason to grin: MY GODSIS, FLA, IS BACK FROM THE UK!!! WHOOHOO!!! Might be going out for a club thingamajig sometime this week. I need it, she wants to go and, yeah, I figured that I need it.

Well, that's it.

As you were.

Carry on.

_RS:-0

>>> This song, the music...

... speaks to and from my heart and dives straight into my feelings.

Never Be The Same
Innocence & instinct
RED

I know you, who are you now?
Look into my eyes if you can’t remember
Do you remember? Oh

I can see, I can still find
you’re the only voice my heart can recognize
But I can’t hear you now, yeah

I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cause after loving you
I can never be the same

And how can I pretend I never
knew you like it was all a dream? No
I know I’ll never forget the way I always felt
with you beside me, and how you loved me then, yeah

I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cause after loving you
I can never be the same

You let me near, then I watched you disappear
You left this emptiness inside and I can’t turn back time

No! Stay! Nothing compares to you
nothing compares to you
I can’t let you go
can’t let you go
I can’t let go

I'll never be the same,
not after loving you,
not after loving you,
No

I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cause after loving you
I can never be the same

I can never be the same
I will never be the same
Woah woah woah woah woah
I just can’t walk away
No I can’t walk away from you

_RS:-4

>>> It's all building...

... up and up, and again and again.

I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode.

And it doesn't matter how much I vent, it just builds up again. I have no idea who to turn to right now, 'coz I do NOT want to keep bothering my friends with it and my family have their own problems.

I'm on my own.

And it sucks.

_RS:-5

>>> Pacing around...

... like a caged panther.

For the record, can anyone expect me to be happy, or even anywhere near fine, after all that has happened? So, if you're happily making fun of my misery or scoffing at it or anything along those lines, well... that's your opinion and problem.

I am not needy, desperate, wuss-like or anything like that.

Nor am I whining.

I've lost the woman whom I love through some goddamn messed up situational stack-up. And one of my closest army buddies to a goddamn brain tumour.

Therefore, I believe that I'm allowed to be miserable, if I don't have the right.

And do not tell me to move on.

I can't even bloody grieve!

So lay off!

>>> An inner scream...

... that has to go somewhere.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_{Frustrated & Upset Beyond All Relief.}

>>> Misery...

... and who really cares?

I'm miserable.

No prizes for guessing why.

And I don't really care who knows it now. I'm beyond caring. I've been punished and tortured enough. I'm tired of treading water and trying to keep my head above the waves of depression, sadness and misery that keep washing over me, threatening to sink me and push me under.

I'm miserable. Period.

And there's no one to really turn to. Who the hell wants to listen anyway? Who the hell is going to bother to read this and even leave a note or think about it?

Nobody, by my reckoning.

Even if this sounds vindictive and unfair, I hope that she's happy now.

>>> The World Cup Final...

... and my mom's bad dream!?

Yeah, my mom had a majorly bad nightmare that had her staggering out of her room and coming straight to me to hold me. I was actually quite touched until I found why my mom was doing that.

Apparently, in her nightmare, I'd gone out late with friends or something. When I came back [in the dream], I was apparently attacked by the same group I'd gone out with. My mom freaked out, both in and out of the dream.

SO, I got her to be comfortable on the couch and reassured her that I wouldn't be going out late at night for a while and generally stuff like that. And I mean it, no late nights out for the a while until my mom stops being worried.

I have never seen my mom so disturbed before, it was kinda freaky.

Actually, by right, I should be freaking out, 'coz the dream thing runs in the family. We dream it, it happens. In some form or the other. In real life.

But I'm too hyped by the final of the World Cup to be bothered yet, it was an awesome match. Plus, it must have set a record for the number of yellow cards issued. Like only two people on the Dutch team didn't get one. -____-

Total playtime of 127 minutes or so. Every last second was CRAZY, a real edge-of-your-seat-and-on-your-feet kinda match. BRILLIANT!!!

Anyways, I gotta jet. I have to figure out if I sleep now or later. My youngest bro Raz isn't sleeping coz he has to wake up at 6, which is in 13 minutes or less.

I wish that I could've watched the game with her and/or a bunch of my friends.

*shrugs* Oh, well...

... a very good morning to you all.

>>> Smokes and liquor...

... would be good right about now?

I'm wishing that I had a coupla bottles of Corona, a glass of Tequila Sunrise or a Heartbreak Bacardi and a pack of cigs.

*sigh*

I don't know what else to say.

What can I say?

Nothing.

I guess.

>>> Wondering...

... and thinking.

I wish that I could say that I hate her, but I can't. I just can't. I love her, even now, just as much as before.

And I reckon that it's driving me rather nuts, ever so slowly.

Maybe I'm just too stupid, really stubborn or a combination of both to actually give up and give in to anything that's going on. I mean, surrendering to that black void of unfeeling and numb down-ness is really tempting at times, to just let it take me and float away on its dark tides, moving with its ebbs and surges. And maybe let it take me into its deadly embrace beneath the ripples of its glassy surface.

And it feels like she doesn't care right about now. At all. Not even a pip from her unless I do something first. It's not easy trying to be just friends with your ex. You can't be as candid and straightforward as you used to be... plus there's a gulf that exists, waiting to suck you down into a freefall you can't escape from until you're dashed upon the jagged rocks below.

And then there's this niggling hope that something might change for the better. Yet, it feels like it's setting me up to be betrayed or to fail epically. To be left on all fours on the ground, eating the dust of someone's departure and choking on one's own tears... then having to put on this front of strength and normality so that no one will worry even though you're torn up and bleeding inside.

*sigh*

Someone just hammer me senseless with a sledge, ey. End my state of misery.

Fuck it.

I'm going to eat some cereal. Doesn't change anything, but I'm going to eat some right now.

Even if it's not going to make me feel any better.

>>> Racing on...

... into the light.

On Sunday, I was messaged on Facebook by Sarah that her boyfriend and love of the past five years had died suddenly while at work after collapsing on the floor. She'd used his account just before deleting it and I think I just barely got a reply out before she did that.

Now, you're probably wondering why this would be such a big deal, right?

Well, I hadn't mentioned the fact that he was buddy of mine from my army days. A very good buddy of mine, in fact.

His name?

Dylan Ramachandra-Tang.

Also known as Daytona due to his insane love of the arcade racing game of the same name. He'd met Sarah playing the damn thing, too, believe it or not. Since leaving the army, we'd talked off and on, especially since he migrated to Australia with Sarah.

He'd been through a lot, survived the best he could and always, always, kept his head up. Or, at least, tried to. He'd gone through the same thing with Sarah that I'm going through now with Purple, which he always said was the worst period of his life, apart from losing both his parents when he was serving. But I digress...

He'd passed away from a suspected brain tumour [or tumours], especially considering the regularity and insane intensity of his clustered migraines which he'd been suffering from for the last six years or so. According to Sarah, he'd been working at his garage, putting in extra hours to finish a project, when he was hit by a massive migraine that caused him to black out and collapse. They tried to revive him, but failed. He was pronounced dead upon arriving at the hospital.

He was planning his wedding and was going to visit this city-state in a couple of weeks. He has no next-of-kin and I couldn't even attend the funeral.

I'm going to miss him. He was such a solid chap and a damn good friend. I really will miss him.

Rest In Peace
Dylan "Daytona" Ramachandra-Tang,
11/10/1983 - 04/07/2010.
Good friend, dedicated artisan, amazing listener,
survivor and wonderful soul.
May you find your peace in Heaven.
You will be missed.
Always.
Amen.

I'll see you when I get there, one day, bro.

Right under that giant oak tree I kept telling you about.

>>> Cluster migraines...

... and busy days. Part Two.

It's been a rather busy, almost hectic, last three days. Unfortunately, I don't know whether I want the pace to continue. Don't get me wrong, having a lull and time to rest is all well and good, but I don't like the amount of time it gives me to think. And right about now, thinking is the last thing that I want to do since it seems that no matter what I think about, it always seems to head in one particular direction which is not bloody healthy for my peace of mind at the moment. And it's such a struggle to not let it consume me.

But anyways....

Tuesday was a really lousy day with the disappointment that the opportunity that I was offered was basically nothing more than the organisation being "nice" and giving themselves some publicity at our expense of time.

However, it was good to see Jothi again. Plus a heck of a shock to discover that she has not only a Degree in Education and experience as a teacher and a lecturer, but a Masters in Mathematical Philosophy, too! Like, wow!

And hanging with Ash before the interview gig at that organisation was pretty good, allowing us to both vent a helluva lot.

Having your ex ask how the interview went should've been a bittersweet deal - 'coz it shows that she still cares in some capacity - that didn't quite go down the way it should have, unfortunately.

And if you're reading this, I'm really sorry for blowing up at you over the phone, it wasn't right of me to do so. The anger that I threw at you didn't even have very much to do with you; it stemmed from so much loss in such a short period of time (relationship, recently a close friend in a far away place & soon my home), constantly being texted by someone who's trying to mess with my mind and having my time wasted by an organisation that has no real interest in hiring people. I'm really truly sorry.

Suffice to say, I don't think either of us got much sleep that night. This is such a bloody torturous situation, for both of us. But something doesn't sit right at all, overall. Not sure what yet, but since I have so much time to think, I'll figure it out. Eventually.

Wednesday was madness in the afternoon, though by the time I got home in the wee hours of the morning the next day, it was all so worth it. Or, at least, mostly worth it.

Dropped a cheque off for my Dad at Northpoint and was originally supposed to head down to Holland V but that was called off at the last minute. Instead, I went back home to rest and ended up falling asleep. Woke up a little later and rushed down to Vivocity to meet Ash, Cha and Nick [my godson!] for an early dinner. I had a blast, getting to play with my godson after not seeing him for two years (the last time that I saw him was the day he was born). I hope that I get to see him again soon. *grin* He's soooooooo damn cute! And SMART!!! *wider grin*

After that, while waiting for Myst, I dropped by Shears in Selegie to hang out with Wolfgang for a bit. Shot the breeze, ranted and vented. HE gave me an option to find some personal help. I may just take him up on that.

Met Myst at PS later on and hopped a bus down to Orchard Parade to surprise Jonesy at Carol's behest. We didn't get off the 36 at OP but at the Regent/Regis and walked down Cuscaden. Myst was starving but I ended up eating half her fries and the leftover third of her burger. Haha, no wonder I'm putting on weight, I keep finishing off everybody else's food. *laughs* Semi-surprised Jonesy at Ballymoon's due to him actually walking from the bathroom to the bar when we were about to enter the pub. Had a really good time, ragged Jonesy, received some good advice from Carol, met two rather interesting Eurasian girls and their mom plus one of the girl's boyfriends (who's a STE/K engineer O.O) and have found a soft spot for Coronas. *grin*

After the night was done, Myst's brother dropped me off at home. When I got home, I finally caught my first game of the entire World Cup: the semi-final of Spain versus Germany. The Crimson Tide beat the White Warmachine, it was amazing to watch, a pretty exciting game with way too many close calls and one very squandered, very wasted chance.

To the Germans and associated supporters, please don't kill the Octopus, it's not his fault!

Well, hopefully, I get to watch the very final between Holland and Spain. Or, as I call it, the Orange Flood takes on the Crimson Tide! I have no idea who to support on the day itself since I like both countries, for various reasons.

Anyways, too bad for li'l ol' me, I started having a migraine after the match and it was nearly impossible to sleep. Kept waking up every few minutes or at least once every hour. Finally couldn't take it and popped four painkiller tabs to get rid of it. But that was around eleven plus on Thursday morning, almost seven hours after trying to sleep.

Really felt like I wanted to die, honestly, like I just wanted to smash my cranium against the wall and watch the skull shattering into tiny little fragments that'd pepper the room in a wide circle like a grenade exploding, the blood splashing, splattering and spilling across the wall, dripping slowly down with little fleshy globs of grey matter mixed up in the morass and the body slumping slowly against the wall...

... okay, a little too graphic! =P

ANYWAYS, I met up with Meiya (Gin's boyfriend) who's offered me an apprenticeship as an airbrush tattoo artist, which sounds quite cool. And he taught me how to clean the airbrush as well as use one to do airbrush tattoos with a template/stencil. It was really cool, and he's really patient. And he likes my artwork!

After that, I headed down to Thomson Plaza coz Joseph has asked me to come back and work temporarily as a barista. I'm doing this as a favour to him and 'coz I need the little [extra] cash.

Ashvin and Pervalidus dropped by my crib. We just talked and stuff, discussed life and woes. Basically, just chilled the freak out.

After all this was done, I just wanted to pick up the phone and call... well, if you lot know me well enough, you'd know who I wanted to call. So, I don't have to say much.

Because, you know, all this feels so hollow without someone to share it with. To actually vocally verbalise it, to say it out loud and obtain a visible or audible reaction.

And not just to or from a friend or someone from the Family.

Someone special, close to the heart.

*sigh*

This.

Just.

Sucks.

>>> Cluster migraines...

... and busy times.

I'm too tired to blog in full. Plus, I'm not feeling too well (and no one around to look after poor li'l ol' me. *mock sigh*).

So, I'm going to sleep soonish and will blog in full tomorrow, if I can.

Good night, all.

Zzzzz...

>>> Like a bulldog...

… I have never given up.

At any point.

No matter how much I may exclaim that I 'give up', I don't really do so.

Why?

Because I'm too stubborn, tenacious and persevering to do so. Or so I've been told before. Just like a bulldog. Heh.

I actually agree, because I have never given up easily. I'm just not programmed that way. So, even when faced with a problem, I'll keep chipping away at it until I find a solution, regardless of how impatient I get.

And the current frustrating situation I'm in deserves a solution.

Therefore, I'm not bloody well giving up. On anything or anyone.

I've not done so before, and I'm not going to now.

EVER.

>>> Nothing much...

... to say today.

Woke up dead early today 'coz I had to meet Lynx at Jurong East. We had a good time catching up and just talking about stuff. Sent her home after hanging around the JE Library for almost four hours.

Silly woman (haha!) called me after I left her at Teck Whye and we ended up on the phone for another 30 minutes. Everytime we said "bye", we ended up talking about more stuff. It was so funny! *laughs* But she made a valid point during the convo as she said that one of our similarities is that we lose ourselves when we're in a relationship, which is quite sad. Just gotta find myself again, which isn't going too badly.

I'm at home again, by myself, feeling rather lonely.

But I'm not depressed. Just lonely. *shrugs* Weird feeling. But, I have things to do.

Anyways, gotta go do the laundry.

Speaking of laundry, I only 'ave four usable pairs of boxers now. SO, therefore, the very first order of business when I get a job is to buy a dozen or so to replenish my stocks, haha.

Laters!

>>> Nothing lasts forever...

... but then again, some things come really close.

Yet again, a title that has nothing to with the subject matter. Or maybe it's a hidden message? Or perhaps it's meant for only one person to understand? Or it could be a hidden message for conspirators? Or possibly subliminal messaging? Who knows?

_{youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme}

Hahahahahaha!!! Now, that's subliminal messaging, of a kind... *strikes an evil villain pose* And speaking of evil villains, the movie Despicable Me will be landing in cinemas soon. Anybody wanna gather a posse to watch? But, just to let you know, I'm watching it for the little yellow henchmen-slash-minions [you can view them below], not anything else! XD

Just heard from my younger bro, Nez, that Argentina has been knocked out of the World Cup. If that is true, I feel sorry for Myst.

Anyways, still waiting for Scott Pilgrim and The Last Airbender to drop so I can enjoy the virtual insanities of both movies.

Definitely want to organize a posse outting for these two... and imagine that, Scott Pilgrim is the stupid kinda funny show that I try to avoid watching, but I'm willing to watch 'coz it's just TOO funny looking. =D

Anyways, I'm really irritated with my dad and Nez. Both keep taking my damn slippers (flip-flops) and that idiot Nez keeps wearing my t-shirts for days at a time before he gets out of them.

And he doesn't wash them. -___-

If that isn't irritating enough, he has a very bad habit of taking the stuff that she gave me, which pisses me off no end. GRRRRRRR.... The twit would have clothes to wear if he didn't bloody well dump them all on the floor in his room instead of putting it in the laundry for wash. Moron.

Why is the slipper thing so irritating? I have no interest in going to the neighbourhood store in my shoes when all I have to do is slip on my flip-flops. But when I have to go down to the store, guess what?

My slippers are bloody well missing.

GET YOU OWN GODDAMN SLIPPERS!!! STOP TAKING MINE!!!

And we return you to your regularly scheduled day.

Thank you.

>>> Opportunity arises...

... that may change everything.

Pray for me, people, I have an opportunity that can solve almost all the little, niggling, short-term issues that I'm currently facing.

I'm going to nail this opportunity to the wall and make it mine.

>>> Electric jolts...

... and crushing pain.

For some strange reason, I experienced something that should've scared the living daylights out of me earlier tonight.

What was it?

I experienced a crushing pain in my chest that receded and gave way to having electric-like jolts of sharp pain shoot and course through my left arm. And then the chest crushing continued later on. And it came out of nowhere, like a left-field kind of sitrep.

The scary part: they're the classic symptoms of a heart attack. Wouldn't that just be the joke of the century? Having a heart attack after all the crap that's happened in the past month? *shakes head*

The pain was agonising for a while, but I laughed it off with gallows humour and made it home somehow.

Maybe it's just [subconscious] stress.

I hope so since the alternative is a bit too dicey for me to contemplate.

I think I should consider arranging for a cardiac screening or something sometime soon, just to be on the safe side.

Oh, well, off to bed.

After a smoke.