... and wanting to break free.
I want out.
Out of my home.
I'd rather rent a small place with some friends than have to live here with all these people constantly throwing my flaws in my face. And blaming me for everything that goes wrong.
Even if something bad happens to me, instantly it's my fault. Oh, joy.
Even when I'm the victim, I'm the one at fault.
FUCK.
I hate this place. I'm no longer safe. I'm not comfortable. I hate having to leave my room when I'm home. I hate it here.
I. Want. To. Leave.
STAT!
*screams*
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
>>> Let's make this...
... as quick and painless as possible.
First off, let me just say that I should've blogged a while ago, but it's been pretty damn hectic and busy over the last coupla days. So, I'll just run through my life of the past few days really quickly and I'll try to keep it brief.
After all, all of you are pretty busy people, running around with your own deals.
*nonchalant shrug*
SO...
Friday was the day that I saw how much determination that two individuals can possibly have and how stubborn we can get. Shan and I walked a 108 times around the Murugan Hill Temple, despite the lack of sleep, the gnawing hunger, the parched mouths, the hurtful tiles and, above all, the hammering rain.
It was a relief when we finished, sinking to kneel in front of Muruga Deva in gratitude. I can only hope that our nine days of faithfulness and discipline, for lack of a better word, bears fruit.
I also learned that sitting around in a pair of soaked boxers is a miserable experience. I was sorely tempted to steal a pair of boxers from the store. -____-'''
Anyways!
I did not steal anything from the store. HONEST.
Saturday was spent at work, opening Scape for Wan at 11am [and I thought that I'd be late! No such luck!] and then working at Cine from 8pm till 11pm. TWELVE hours at work. *shakes head violently quick* That was insane, not doing it ever again, I swear, not unless I really have to.
But it was pretty cool, all told. Lots of stocks again. Seriously, there should be some sort of warning and after closing packing party or something. *sigh* Tiring.
Well, I'm at work now, in Scape. With Elaine, who must be a little off coz she thinks that she's fat just coz she has somewhat larger thighs than most scrawny girls on the street. And she has pretty nice hair, too. *laughs* No, I'm not crushing on her or anything. 'Sides, she's way too young, too.
BUT, she is attractive. But that's the end of that, aiight.
Oh, 30 Seconds to Mars is playing at the moment and I've discovered that the bass for our our sub-woofer and speakers is damn powerful. *grins* I have an awesome job even if the pay isn't that awesome.
I'm still waiting for Scott Pilgrim Versus The World to drop here in SG. It's already opened in the States, but it'll take almost two freaking months or more before it drops here. >___< I'm waiting for the DVD release and the subsequent rips, hahahaha. GO PIRATES!!! XD
Anyways, I promised to keep this short and that's all there is.
Meeting Bruce later at 8 and Lincoln's crashing at my crib tonight 'coz we gotta hit a team meeting in the morning.
IN the immortal words of the peasant/peon units from Warcraft: "Work, work!"
Laters, gators.
First off, let me just say that I should've blogged a while ago, but it's been pretty damn hectic and busy over the last coupla days. So, I'll just run through my life of the past few days really quickly and I'll try to keep it brief.
After all, all of you are pretty busy people, running around with your own deals.
*nonchalant shrug*
SO...
Friday was the day that I saw how much determination that two individuals can possibly have and how stubborn we can get. Shan and I walked a 108 times around the Murugan Hill Temple, despite the lack of sleep, the gnawing hunger, the parched mouths, the hurtful tiles and, above all, the hammering rain.
It was a relief when we finished, sinking to kneel in front of Muruga Deva in gratitude. I can only hope that our nine days of faithfulness and discipline, for lack of a better word, bears fruit.
I also learned that sitting around in a pair of soaked boxers is a miserable experience. I was sorely tempted to steal a pair of boxers from the store. -____-'''
Anyways!
I did not steal anything from the store. HONEST.
Saturday was spent at work, opening Scape for Wan at 11am [and I thought that I'd be late! No such luck!] and then working at Cine from 8pm till 11pm. TWELVE hours at work. *shakes head violently quick* That was insane, not doing it ever again, I swear, not unless I really have to.
But it was pretty cool, all told. Lots of stocks again. Seriously, there should be some sort of warning and after closing packing party or something. *sigh* Tiring.
Well, I'm at work now, in Scape. With Elaine, who must be a little off coz she thinks that she's fat just coz she has somewhat larger thighs than most scrawny girls on the street. And she has pretty nice hair, too. *laughs* No, I'm not crushing on her or anything. 'Sides, she's way too young, too.
BUT, she is attractive. But that's the end of that, aiight.
Oh, 30 Seconds to Mars is playing at the moment and I've discovered that the bass for our our sub-woofer and speakers is damn powerful. *grins* I have an awesome job even if the pay isn't that awesome.
I'm still waiting for Scott Pilgrim Versus The World to drop here in SG. It's already opened in the States, but it'll take almost two freaking months or more before it drops here. >___< I'm waiting for the DVD release and the subsequent rips, hahahaha. GO PIRATES!!! XD
Anyways, I promised to keep this short and that's all there is.
Meeting Bruce later at 8 and Lincoln's crashing at my crib tonight 'coz we gotta hit a team meeting in the morning.
IN the immortal words of the peasant/peon units from Warcraft: "Work, work!"
Laters, gators.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
>>> Crazy stuff...
... keeps happening.
And I wonder what on Earth did I do to deserve it?
I mean, seriously, like WHAT??
Getting beaten up by someone is already a really disturbing and damaging event. Having it happen to you in your own home is downright insulting and a killer in a psychological sense; after all, it's your home which means that you're supposed to be safe.
When one of your own best friends beats you down in your home, that's just traumatizing.
No one has the bloody right to harm another, even out of anger or whatever, regardless of whether you're in any kind of relationship with another. (War is a completely different matter altogether, but still not quite right.)
Especially on your own home turf.
Even if one made a huge mistake and offended the other party, whether on purpose or by accident, it does not warrant a beating or any kind of physical abuse/harm. And even if the other doesn't want to accept the apologies, reasons and/or circumstances, has their own ideas of everything that has occurred and/or does not wish to believe whatever that has been brought forth... well, IT'S STILL NOT RIGHT.
I'm sorry, but it's just WRONG, no matter how you look at it.
That's it, end of story, period.
Feth me, what a life.
-____-'''
And I wonder what on Earth did I do to deserve it?
I mean, seriously, like WHAT??
Getting beaten up by someone is already a really disturbing and damaging event. Having it happen to you in your own home is downright insulting and a killer in a psychological sense; after all, it's your home which means that you're supposed to be safe.
When one of your own best friends beats you down in your home, that's just traumatizing.
No one has the bloody right to harm another, even out of anger or whatever, regardless of whether you're in any kind of relationship with another. (War is a completely different matter altogether, but still not quite right.)
Especially on your own home turf.
Even if one made a huge mistake and offended the other party, whether on purpose or by accident, it does not warrant a beating or any kind of physical abuse/harm. And even if the other doesn't want to accept the apologies, reasons and/or circumstances, has their own ideas of everything that has occurred and/or does not wish to believe whatever that has been brought forth... well, IT'S STILL NOT RIGHT.
I'm sorry, but it's just WRONG, no matter how you look at it.
That's it, end of story, period.
Feth me, what a life.
-____-'''
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
>>> Pretty cute...
... and it's kind of for someone in particular.
But not you. Or you.
Or even you.
Not for who you're really thinking of either. Or maybe you might be thinking of the right one, I don't know.
Just enjoy!
Aaron Fresh - Spending All My Time
Sunday, August 22, 2010
>>> You would think...
... that by now, I'd have some brains and sense?
I've left that horrible job at that restaurant which was ridiculous anyway.
But I'm now working happily at a new job with a skate shop chain. AND I GOT TO WORK A BOOTH AT BAYBEATS WITH A FANTASTIC VIEW OF THE POWERHOUSE STAGE. Was so awesome with the bands An Honest Mistake, Chiscoci and King Lychee rocking it out like CRAZY!!!
Gonna be doing it again today, too, which rocks so much.
Laters.
Mujhe tumse dil se pyar hai.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
>>> Thinking...
... and still thinking.
She will never be just a fond memory...
I don't know how to explain it, but suffice to say that she will always be more that that. There are so many things that I want to say to her, but can't since it doesn't seem to ever be the right time for it. Maybe someday soon, the time will be right.
I don't know, it's all in God's hands. I know who I love, and that's that.
*exhales a stream of smoke*
Well, I'll leave you with a random laidback, slow-paced music video that I came across earlier.
Laters, peeps.
She will never be just a fond memory...
I don't know how to explain it, but suffice to say that she will always be more that that. There are so many things that I want to say to her, but can't since it doesn't seem to ever be the right time for it. Maybe someday soon, the time will be right.
I don't know, it's all in God's hands. I know who I love, and that's that.
*exhales a stream of smoke*
Well, I'll leave you with a random laidback, slow-paced music video that I came across earlier.
Laters, peeps.
Friday, August 13, 2010
>>> Being hated...
... is something that anyone can live with.
Even if it's a negative emotion to deal with, especially when directed by others at one's self. At least, it's someone admitting, in a twisted sense, that you actually exist.
But indifference...
... Indifference is a completely different matter.
It implies a position of uncaring-, unfeeling- and altogether unbothered-ness towards another being. Now, when having indifference directed at yourself, it can bloody hurt. Emotionally, mentally and psychologically damaging is the act of indifference. Honestly, it is. It leaves the victim feeling unimportant, insignificant and non-existent. To sum it up in one word, meaningless.
Being ignored is but the first step along the path of indifference, and, by then, it's already too late. There's nothing that one can do to stop that slide.
Indifference kills as slowly and surely as a slow-burning cigarette stuck in a barrel of petrol.
It is a potent weapon in anyone's arsenal, to cause grievous harm to another, regardless of the situation. And a firm favourite of the ladies on this world, even if they don't realize it.
Please, people, abstain from using this tactic as much as possible. Remember that karma bites and that we're all human. Consider others' feelings.
Thank you.
And we end today's post with this message which I think is kinda funny and not really related:
Even if it's a negative emotion to deal with, especially when directed by others at one's self. At least, it's someone admitting, in a twisted sense, that you actually exist.
But indifference...
... Indifference is a completely different matter.
It implies a position of uncaring-, unfeeling- and altogether unbothered-ness towards another being. Now, when having indifference directed at yourself, it can bloody hurt. Emotionally, mentally and psychologically damaging is the act of indifference. Honestly, it is. It leaves the victim feeling unimportant, insignificant and non-existent. To sum it up in one word, meaningless.
Being ignored is but the first step along the path of indifference, and, by then, it's already too late. There's nothing that one can do to stop that slide.
Indifference kills as slowly and surely as a slow-burning cigarette stuck in a barrel of petrol.
It is a potent weapon in anyone's arsenal, to cause grievous harm to another, regardless of the situation. And a firm favourite of the ladies on this world, even if they don't realize it.
Please, people, abstain from using this tactic as much as possible. Remember that karma bites and that we're all human. Consider others' feelings.
Thank you.
And we end today's post with this message which I think is kinda funny and not really related:
"The subscriber that you are trying to reach is currently busy losing his mind. Please try again later."
Thursday, August 12, 2010
>>> The sky's so blue...
... part deux?
Not really.
If my vision of the sky being like a vast field of blue, I knew that that perspective would be shattered and smashed into thousands of fragments and slivers like mirror dropped from an immense height.
And trust one of my parents to cause the break in my concentration, to bring me back down from a peaceful, undisturbed view.
I resent them. Not for ruining my life, or anything like all out blame for where my life has come to, but for contributing to the situation that I'm in and for raising me to listen to them without much questioning. Oh, but, no, it's my goddamn fault that I didn't argue with my parents and stand my ground, blah blah blah. EVERYTHING is my goddamned fault, according to them.
And I'm expected to do everything on my own for myself; even though for the past ten years since my first year in Poly, I have been stuck under their roof and it's a known fact that diploma is just not enough in this country. Whatever I wanted to do, whatever I had a passion for, the directions in which I wanted to go, were all basically stopped by them.
So, I'm the eldest child. Which therefore means that I get called first for EVERYTHING, to do household chores, to do things for them, etcetera etcetera. And when ANYTHING goes wrong, I'm the first to be blamed for it, even when it's damn well known that I'm not typically reputed for whatever just went wrong. And even when I do something nice for anyone in this house, there's no real gratitude or, more commonly, someone just finds something to nitpick on.
Why? 'Coz there's the belief in the house that I can't do anything right. Oh, joy. Wonderful.
I resent my parents for the way that they treat me and ridicule & belittle me.
I'm really getting fed up of this whole thing. If I could, I'd leave and find a place of my own, but unfortunately, I'm stuck here till I can find a proper damn job. =___=
*rubs his right temple with a palm*
My throat is sore, my left eye is still grainy and blurry and I'm in pain all along my shoulders & neck. And my cranial cavity is throbbing in mad pain from a migraine and frustration, which leaves me needing a damn cigarette again.
My parents have no faith or belief in me. And I'm starting to realize that not many people do.
*sighs with a loud exhalation*
Fuck. It. All.
Not really.
If my vision of the sky being like a vast field of blue, I knew that that perspective would be shattered and smashed into thousands of fragments and slivers like mirror dropped from an immense height.
And trust one of my parents to cause the break in my concentration, to bring me back down from a peaceful, undisturbed view.
I resent them. Not for ruining my life, or anything like all out blame for where my life has come to, but for contributing to the situation that I'm in and for raising me to listen to them without much questioning. Oh, but, no, it's my goddamn fault that I didn't argue with my parents and stand my ground, blah blah blah. EVERYTHING is my goddamned fault, according to them.
And I'm expected to do everything on my own for myself; even though for the past ten years since my first year in Poly, I have been stuck under their roof and it's a known fact that diploma is just not enough in this country. Whatever I wanted to do, whatever I had a passion for, the directions in which I wanted to go, were all basically stopped by them.
So, I'm the eldest child. Which therefore means that I get called first for EVERYTHING, to do household chores, to do things for them, etcetera etcetera. And when ANYTHING goes wrong, I'm the first to be blamed for it, even when it's damn well known that I'm not typically reputed for whatever just went wrong. And even when I do something nice for anyone in this house, there's no real gratitude or, more commonly, someone just finds something to nitpick on.
Why? 'Coz there's the belief in the house that I can't do anything right. Oh, joy. Wonderful.
I resent my parents for the way that they treat me and ridicule & belittle me.
I'm really getting fed up of this whole thing. If I could, I'd leave and find a place of my own, but unfortunately, I'm stuck here till I can find a proper damn job. =___=
*rubs his right temple with a palm*
My throat is sore, my left eye is still grainy and blurry and I'm in pain all along my shoulders & neck. And my cranial cavity is throbbing in mad pain from a migraine and frustration, which leaves me needing a damn cigarette again.
My parents have no faith or belief in me. And I'm starting to realize that not many people do.
*sighs with a loud exhalation*
Fuck. It. All.
>>> The sky's so blue...
... and the clouds are like wisps of cotton candy.
It's amazing, considering how crazy the weather has been. It's a truly beautiful day. The kind that's good for laundry and for good men & women to pass away peacefully. I found myself looking up at the sky with a cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of my mouth and just staring at the expanse of the bright blue that stretched up, out and away.
Also discovered that I was thinking how nice it would be to just let go of this mortal shell and let the spirit climb and climb into that clear sky, to rise above the clouds and see the radiant glory of the sun. It really does feel like a good day to die...
... and then I was thinking of washing my laundry because I'm running out of boxers again. *sigh* But, what do you expect when you only have 5 boxers left from the dozen or so that you originally had?
Oh, well. *shrugs with hands spread*
And then I saw this really big bubble, floating on the wind across the field. It went so far but then I think it hit a tree and burst, which I find so sad. Such a real life metaphor: you travel so far, you go with the flow of things, think that everything is alright and getting better but then your "bubble" hits something and it pops like a weasel, dashing your plans, your thoughts & ideas and your life at that moment.
But it was a really pretty bubble.
*sigh*
Truly a beautiful day.
*deeper sigh*
It's amazing, considering how crazy the weather has been. It's a truly beautiful day. The kind that's good for laundry and for good men & women to pass away peacefully. I found myself looking up at the sky with a cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of my mouth and just staring at the expanse of the bright blue that stretched up, out and away.
Also discovered that I was thinking how nice it would be to just let go of this mortal shell and let the spirit climb and climb into that clear sky, to rise above the clouds and see the radiant glory of the sun. It really does feel like a good day to die...
... and then I was thinking of washing my laundry because I'm running out of boxers again. *sigh* But, what do you expect when you only have 5 boxers left from the dozen or so that you originally had?
Oh, well. *shrugs with hands spread*
And then I saw this really big bubble, floating on the wind across the field. It went so far but then I think it hit a tree and burst, which I find so sad. Such a real life metaphor: you travel so far, you go with the flow of things, think that everything is alright and getting better but then your "bubble" hits something and it pops like a weasel, dashing your plans, your thoughts & ideas and your life at that moment.
But it was a really pretty bubble.
*sigh*
Truly a beautiful day.
*deeper sigh*
Monday, August 09, 2010
>>> Hmmm...
... stranger and stranger.
Never thought that I'd be a victim of unrequited love. Always thought that kind of thing only happens in movies and books, to be honest. Or to other people, at the very least.
Nor did I ever believe that I'd be the cause of such a situation to another.
*sighs*
My situation seems to get stranger and stranger as the days go by. And I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but it's not really my fault, thank you very much.
God, if you're reading this, I deserve some peace right about now.
Domo arigato!
Never thought that I'd be a victim of unrequited love. Always thought that kind of thing only happens in movies and books, to be honest. Or to other people, at the very least.
Nor did I ever believe that I'd be the cause of such a situation to another.
*sighs*
My situation seems to get stranger and stranger as the days go by. And I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but it's not really my fault, thank you very much.
God, if you're reading this, I deserve some peace right about now.
Domo arigato!
Saturday, August 07, 2010
>>> Sometimes...
... you just have to wonder whether some higher power has it in for you.
Nothing is going right for me at this moment. Absolutely nothing.
I have spent the last FIVE days at home, trapped under quarantine due to a pair of bloody sore eyes. As such, I have been alternatively bored to death and apathetic. And to add to all that, I yet again have no fan in my room since the last one died under mysterious circumstances.
I hate my current workplace along with some of its staff.
I hate the state of mind that I currently have.
I hate most things and people in general at the moment.
Feh. I need a cigarette.
No point venting.
Laters.
Nothing is going right for me at this moment. Absolutely nothing.
I have spent the last FIVE days at home, trapped under quarantine due to a pair of bloody sore eyes. As such, I have been alternatively bored to death and apathetic. And to add to all that, I yet again have no fan in my room since the last one died under mysterious circumstances.
I hate my current workplace along with some of its staff.
I hate the state of mind that I currently have.
I hate most things and people in general at the moment.
Feh. I need a cigarette.
No point venting.
Laters.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
>>> Parental advisory ...
... they will drive you MAD.
I realize that I have come very close to hating my immediate family. And it probably stems from deep seated resentment of my middle brother and, through him, my parents. Or maybe even without him, I'd still resent my parents. *shrug* The point is that I resent almost the whole lot of them. There is no free conversation in this household, no one tells anyone what's happening in their lives unless they get something out of it, in a personal way. Or unless they want to gloat or boast or show-off.
No one even expresses their love for the others, in any way. My own mother can get annoyed or find it so weird when I hug her.
My parents have no faith in me. But I'm expected to perform all the duties of an eldest son and brother, but for no reward or anything for myself. There is no respect, my dignity is stripped constantly, even when my friends are here. They give no "face" and they offer no peace. Everything is some umbrage to be taken up against me, something that I did wrong, that I'm too stupid to have known, etcetera, etcetera.
But I'm expected to function like a cog in their oh-so wonderful system.
Maybe I'm just a cog, and not human anymore... after all, my feelings are never considered within these walls. My mother especially constantly nitpick and drags up the past, often rubbing it my face that I'm a failure compared to my brothers and that my talents will never bring me money since they're "unmarketable". Just the best kind of things to hear from your own parents, right? *sarcastic venom drips down and burns holes in the floor* Such bloody wonderful things. And the sins of the parents will be carried on in their get... so I unknowingly put a bunch of people through what my parents do, with dragging up the past and being such a nitpicker. FUCK.
So can I really be blamed for wanting to stay away from them? For not wanting to help them?? For not wanting to be staying with them any longer???
But I have nowhere else to go, at all. Not without being a burden to anyone.
And the one person who... nevermind, suffice to say, I feel abandoned. Tossed aside like so much trash. She obviously doesn't care, right?
And I'm expected to not have issues. Oh, gee, really. Who the fuck has faith in me? Not my family... or you could say that they have faith in the fact that I will screw up in the end, as always. Thanks, mom! Thanks, dad!
FUCK.
FUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!
TWENTY-EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AND YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN BLOODY SON. WELL FUCKING DONE, MY WONDERFUL PARENTS.
Hope you're proud of the screw-up you have for a son.
Oh, wait, I forgot, you're NOT. Don't know whether you ever have been and probably never will be. BRILLIANT.
Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant.
*kicks an imaginary can down the field*
Just brilliant.
I realize that I have come very close to hating my immediate family. And it probably stems from deep seated resentment of my middle brother and, through him, my parents. Or maybe even without him, I'd still resent my parents. *shrug* The point is that I resent almost the whole lot of them. There is no free conversation in this household, no one tells anyone what's happening in their lives unless they get something out of it, in a personal way. Or unless they want to gloat or boast or show-off.
No one even expresses their love for the others, in any way. My own mother can get annoyed or find it so weird when I hug her.
My parents have no faith in me. But I'm expected to perform all the duties of an eldest son and brother, but for no reward or anything for myself. There is no respect, my dignity is stripped constantly, even when my friends are here. They give no "face" and they offer no peace. Everything is some umbrage to be taken up against me, something that I did wrong, that I'm too stupid to have known, etcetera, etcetera.
But I'm expected to function like a cog in their oh-so wonderful system.
Maybe I'm just a cog, and not human anymore... after all, my feelings are never considered within these walls. My mother especially constantly nitpick and drags up the past, often rubbing it my face that I'm a failure compared to my brothers and that my talents will never bring me money since they're "unmarketable". Just the best kind of things to hear from your own parents, right? *sarcastic venom drips down and burns holes in the floor* Such bloody wonderful things. And the sins of the parents will be carried on in their get... so I unknowingly put a bunch of people through what my parents do, with dragging up the past and being such a nitpicker. FUCK.
So can I really be blamed for wanting to stay away from them? For not wanting to help them?? For not wanting to be staying with them any longer???
But I have nowhere else to go, at all. Not without being a burden to anyone.
And the one person who... nevermind, suffice to say, I feel abandoned. Tossed aside like so much trash. She obviously doesn't care, right?
And I'm expected to not have issues. Oh, gee, really. Who the fuck has faith in me? Not my family... or you could say that they have faith in the fact that I will screw up in the end, as always. Thanks, mom! Thanks, dad!
FUCK.
FUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!
TWENTY-EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AND YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN BLOODY SON. WELL FUCKING DONE, MY WONDERFUL PARENTS.
Hope you're proud of the screw-up you have for a son.
Oh, wait, I forgot, you're NOT. Don't know whether you ever have been and probably never will be. BRILLIANT.
Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant.
*kicks an imaginary can down the field*
Just brilliant.
>>> Roiling and fuming...
... and it doesn't seem to end.
SO.
I'm really starting to wonder exactly how many people think that I'm a loser and a complete utter failure.
So far, that would be my ex-girlfriend [Purple] who broke up with a coupla months ago, my wonderful bloody parents who keep harping about my failures and past, my brothers who seem to think that i can't do anything right and some person who doesn't have the guts to stand up to me in the flesh and tell me that... that would make six so far, that I know of.
Always the same bloody things from the parentals. I really can't take this anymore. I want to leave but I have no money to do so. And even if I did, I have nowhere to go.
I need a bloody job, preferably in an office. I can no longer do this service line crap, especially in the F&B sector. It's nothing but exploitative and bloody fucking tiring. I'm fed-up.
Royall, bloody well, completely, utterly, totally and wholly fucking FED UP!!!
I want something worthy of me, my education, skills and talents.
What I have to go through now is complete BULLSHIT. I hate this country and its exploitative ways, with no minimum wage, no proper welfare, lack of common courtesy and general decency, its inane don't-get-involved-not-my-problem mindset and ability to bend the rules for its own benefit.
FUCK.
Can't even get a break or a foot in any door. SO FUCKING IRRITATING.
And I have to put up everyone in this bloody house breathing down my neck and looking down their fat, chubby noses at me, like I'm an insect or some servile fool.
My ex?
Don't know what she's playing at. Being discarded by her with the whole "I don't love you anymore" was one of the most hurtful things that I've ever had to go through and I'm still reeling from it, trying to recover. And she probably has no idea how worthless and how much of a loser she's made me feel like.
And I sure as hell don't like hearing that she's not worth me and that she doesn't deserve me, blah-blah-blah, 'coz that makes me feel even more of a loser since it's like a lot of people are making it out like I made a HUGE mistake being with her.
I'M NOT A LOSER, NOR AM I A FAILURE.
I'm just starting out late.
But I bet that someone out there is probably going, and I quote, "Yeah, you tell yourself that. Maybe one day you'll believe it. Loser", unquote.
I'M NOT A LOSER!!!
I believe that.
Now will the rest of you believe that, too?
SO.
I'm really starting to wonder exactly how many people think that I'm a loser and a complete utter failure.
So far, that would be my ex-girlfriend [Purple] who broke up with a coupla months ago, my wonderful bloody parents who keep harping about my failures and past, my brothers who seem to think that i can't do anything right and some person who doesn't have the guts to stand up to me in the flesh and tell me that... that would make six so far, that I know of.
Always the same bloody things from the parentals. I really can't take this anymore. I want to leave but I have no money to do so. And even if I did, I have nowhere to go.
I need a bloody job, preferably in an office. I can no longer do this service line crap, especially in the F&B sector. It's nothing but exploitative and bloody fucking tiring. I'm fed-up.
Royall, bloody well, completely, utterly, totally and wholly fucking FED UP!!!
I want something worthy of me, my education, skills and talents.
What I have to go through now is complete BULLSHIT. I hate this country and its exploitative ways, with no minimum wage, no proper welfare, lack of common courtesy and general decency, its inane don't-get-involved-not-my-problem mindset and ability to bend the rules for its own benefit.
FUCK.
Can't even get a break or a foot in any door. SO FUCKING IRRITATING.
And I have to put up everyone in this bloody house breathing down my neck and looking down their fat, chubby noses at me, like I'm an insect or some servile fool.
My ex?
Don't know what she's playing at. Being discarded by her with the whole "I don't love you anymore" was one of the most hurtful things that I've ever had to go through and I'm still reeling from it, trying to recover. And she probably has no idea how worthless and how much of a loser she's made me feel like.
And I sure as hell don't like hearing that she's not worth me and that she doesn't deserve me, blah-blah-blah, 'coz that makes me feel even more of a loser since it's like a lot of people are making it out like I made a HUGE mistake being with her.
I'M NOT A LOSER, NOR AM I A FAILURE.
I'm just starting out late.
But I bet that someone out there is probably going, and I quote, "Yeah, you tell yourself that. Maybe one day you'll believe it. Loser", unquote.
I'M NOT A LOSER!!!
I believe that.
Now will the rest of you believe that, too?
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
>>> Strange...
... how I feel from day to day.
It's such a roller coaster. God alone knows why I'm going through this.
Is it really so hard to let go of someone?
And why do I feel so gutted in the mornings? Like the fresh catch of fish brought to port?
*sigh*
I know that I'm not replaceable and neither is she, to be honest, but everyone is different, I guess. I just want to be loved for who, what and how I am. And I want a new, meaningful job that will help me make use of my talents and skills... I just need the chance to get my foot in the door.
Well, here's to the [hopeful] ending of the bad times and a beginning of good ones.
Cheers.
It's such a roller coaster. God alone knows why I'm going through this.
Is it really so hard to let go of someone?
And why do I feel so gutted in the mornings? Like the fresh catch of fish brought to port?
*sigh*
I know that I'm not replaceable and neither is she, to be honest, but everyone is different, I guess. I just want to be loved for who, what and how I am. And I want a new, meaningful job that will help me make use of my talents and skills... I just need the chance to get my foot in the door.
Well, here's to the [hopeful] ending of the bad times and a beginning of good ones.
Cheers.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
>>> Strange dreams...
... usually mean something.
And I hope that the one that I just had means something good. Allow me to explain.
I fell asleep in my room sometime this afternoon and somehow slipped into a dream-like state, where I felt like I had been transported to another place and time.
Where I'm lying down on a very plush couch, feeling very comfortable, with my eyes closed and yet half-asleep when I feel this presence sit down somewhere near the edge of the sofa, next to me. A hand, somewhere between being soft and hard, slips into mine, our fingers locking. There's a reassuring squeeze and I feel a smile radiating from this presence... and it feels very feminine.
And then I feel a pressure on my chest, like a little child had climbed up and decided to curl up on me to sleep.
I felt so content... and loved.
I woke up with all these feelings, of the weight, of the presences, expecting to suddenly see them, like the real waking world was the dream...
... so strange.
So bittersweet.
I find myself wondering whether I'll ever reach or achieve those feelings in future.
It would be nice.
And I hope that the one that I just had means something good. Allow me to explain.
I fell asleep in my room sometime this afternoon and somehow slipped into a dream-like state, where I felt like I had been transported to another place and time.
Where I'm lying down on a very plush couch, feeling very comfortable, with my eyes closed and yet half-asleep when I feel this presence sit down somewhere near the edge of the sofa, next to me. A hand, somewhere between being soft and hard, slips into mine, our fingers locking. There's a reassuring squeeze and I feel a smile radiating from this presence... and it feels very feminine.
And then I feel a pressure on my chest, like a little child had climbed up and decided to curl up on me to sleep.
I felt so content... and loved.
I woke up with all these feelings, of the weight, of the presences, expecting to suddenly see them, like the real waking world was the dream...
... so strange.
So bittersweet.
I find myself wondering whether I'll ever reach or achieve those feelings in future.
It would be nice.
Monday, August 02, 2010
>>> Sleeping patterns...
... thrown right out the door.
Really having trouble sleeping at night, which leads to waking up really late and feeling rather like I've been through hell with the whole bodyache thing.
Only things keeping the calm [in the immediate vicinity] are chanting the mantra and cigarettes.
Smoking way too much, but it's a like a temporary escape from the stress and pressure.
*sigh*
Nervous and apprehensive about tomorrow 'coz I have to face Her. Possibly for the last time.
Sad.
Sad that's it all come to this.
And I can't cancel 'coz I don't want to be like her crock friends who always cancel at the last minute and leave her hanging. That and I want this to be over...
... I just wish and hope that it ends well.
Pray for me.
Please.
Really having trouble sleeping at night, which leads to waking up really late and feeling rather like I've been through hell with the whole bodyache thing.
Only things keeping the calm [in the immediate vicinity] are chanting the mantra and cigarettes.
Smoking way too much, but it's a like a temporary escape from the stress and pressure.
*sigh*
Nervous and apprehensive about tomorrow 'coz I have to face Her. Possibly for the last time.
Sad.
Sad that's it all come to this.
And I can't cancel 'coz I don't want to be like her crock friends who always cancel at the last minute and leave her hanging. That and I want this to be over...
... I just wish and hope that it ends well.
Pray for me.
Please.
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