... and shivering.
It's really chilly. The rain has been falling since 4, maybe 5 this morning. And it still hasn't stopped yet. I'm in desperate need of a cigarette but can't afford any at the moment.
I love the rain but it makes me sad nowadays... melancholic with memories, I suppose.
The cold is very pervasive, even when bedded down under a blanket, I'm left feeling very cold. I miss having another warm body [of the female persuasion] to share my bed with... *sigh*
But then again, there's really only one woman I'd like to share my bed [and life] with, but she's not, well, around anymore. And no matter what happens, I realize that I will always love her. It's crazy. *shrug* Oh, well...
... sad, cold, lonely and shivering.
What a Friday.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
>>> In pain...
... in more ways than one.
I have this urge to cry and I'm feeling so weird that it's not funny. Not that anyone cares nor do I wish to burden anyone else with my troubles. So, I've effectively cut myself off from others for the time being.
My body aches everywhere, my back and shoulders especially. *stretches painfully slow* I swear that the first thing that I'll do with my paycheque, aside from depositing it in the bank is to get a bloody back massage. I. NEED. IT.
And the funny thing is that I've been trying to get one for the longest time... and never got it due to some reason or the other.
*sighs*
Still feeling empty and hollow. Something is missing. And there's nothing that I can do about it.
I'm just waiting for the sun to come out again...
... metaphorically speaking.
I have this urge to cry and I'm feeling so weird that it's not funny. Not that anyone cares nor do I wish to burden anyone else with my troubles. So, I've effectively cut myself off from others for the time being.
My body aches everywhere, my back and shoulders especially. *stretches painfully slow* I swear that the first thing that I'll do with my paycheque, aside from depositing it in the bank is to get a bloody back massage. I. NEED. IT.
And the funny thing is that I've been trying to get one for the longest time... and never got it due to some reason or the other.
*sighs*
Still feeling empty and hollow. Something is missing. And there's nothing that I can do about it.
I'm just waiting for the sun to come out again...
... metaphorically speaking.
Monday, July 26, 2010
>>> Busy, busy...
... and wishing I could sleep.
I keep looking at my mobile, expecting messages or a call. I'm not sure from who, really, but I keep expecting something.
*shrug*
Weird.
I keep looking at my mobile, expecting messages or a call. I'm not sure from who, really, but I keep expecting something.
*shrug*
Weird.
>>> Sleep...
... seems like a commodity.
Sleep continues to elude me. I wake each day feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. And can't seem to fall asleep when I desperately need to. And my bed feels too empty of late, for some reason. *shrugs sadly*
Will I ever get to sleep peacefully and in bliss?
*SIGH*
Sleep continues to elude me. I wake each day feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. And can't seem to fall asleep when I desperately need to. And my bed feels too empty of late, for some reason. *shrugs sadly*
Will I ever get to sleep peacefully and in bliss?
*SIGH*
Sunday, July 25, 2010
>>> Deadbeat and wasted...
... but it was worth it.
It's been a busy weekend.
Like really busy.
And I'm so beat that, by right, I really shouldn't be in front of the computer. However, lamentably, not much in my life has not ever gone by left, so this is in the same vein.
Unfortunately, due to the sheer hustle of this past weekend, it has also meant that I've been losing or missing out on sleep. So far, I've accumulated not more than ten hours of sleep in the [roughly] last 72 hours or so. Too much tossing, turning and shaking myself awake while falling into a slumber. The peaceful sleep that I crave is eluding me and I'm starting to wonder if I'm becoming a complete insomniac.
*half-shrugs*
Time will tell, in my reckoning.
To summarize the whole weekend, one word says it all: BUSY.
Seriously.
Friday was spent reading and trying to catch the ever elusive sandman in snatches, before hitting Supperclub for the debut of Funk, Soul, Dubstep and Drum'n'Bass quartet of DJs [Nez, Shafiq, Yadin & Rah] who absolutely rocked out the night. A great big thank you to Rozz for inviting me to the party, as well as for being a supportive friend in an unrelated matter. Met some really old skatemates, which was awesome. I even had my mug photographed in the club which was so coooooool. Rozz introduced me to the DJs, all the seriously crazily cool people who came including the SMG crew, his housemate Eric, full-time Junglist Andy (hope you get back to London soon!) and his girl Yana, who is such a sweetheart!
Shame on those peeps who said that they would show but didn't! SHAME!!!
Oh, and Rozz is a pretty talented rapper, freestyling like no tomorrow when he had the opportunities, drunk or not! BIG UPS TO THE TROOPER OF THE NIGHT!! *smiles widely*
However, if the [regular] crowd that night was typical of a standard night at Supperclub, I am not going there ever again. Even with Julian - an old skate buddy - as the resident DJ! The crowd was just too yuppie-like and straining to be upper-class. Not to mention that there were next to no other races other than the Chinese and some random Snob Mats. -__- *sigh* Not my kinda crowd at all.
Saturday emerged out of Friday in sleepless-addled daze after I went to sleep at eight in the morning because I could find the legendary sleep monster and ended up reading [and finishing] one of Shaan's library books.
But it was a good day since I got to spend most of the afternoon with Farrah, Cha, Ash and Bruce. We had lunch plus delicious ice-cream in Holland Village and just caught up with each other and talked a LOT. And they are so supportive, I'm truly blessed to have such friends who are like family. *smiles* Also, I managed to meet Ashvin for a short while, too, before that.
The Book of Eli should become a cult classic, especially with fans of the post-apocalyptic genre. It contains some awesome action scenes and pretty original twists. It pretty much rocks, in my honest opinion.
I miss Nani, though, my Starbucks sister from another mother. She apparently has permanent Saturdays off now. Which is awesome for her!
By the way, the Daily Scoop is an awesome, awesome place for really gorgeously delicious homemade+handmade ice-cream. And it doesn't hurt that the place has a sentimental place in my heart for obvious reasons aside from ice-cream. *wry smile*
Sunday arose from the ashes of Saturday in a a haze of filtered sunlight and waking dream-choked sight. Rushed out of the house so I could meet up with Shan to help her move things from a storage facility in Clementi to her new home in Teck Whye, which is less than 5 minutes from Sue.
Also found out that we have a mutual friend without realizing it: KENNY. Amazing how small Singapore is. I have a funny feeling that almost everyone here is connected in some way.
Plus I met another old friend from way back when I was in high school, Dinesh, who I hadn't seen in slightly over a decade. It was awesome seeing him again, honestly, and we're going to try to meet up sometime soon to catch up.
But, ouch, i swear that towards the end of the day, I felt like I was gonna crap my spine out of my ass, especially after the tiles that we had to lift and store away. And my thighs are feeling wobbly plus a little on the burning side of things.
I am going to feel it all tomorrow, I just know it.
*stretches and rubs back sadly*
But it still doesn't change the fact that it's been a good weekend.
But tomorrow...
Tomorrow fills me with apprehension and a little fear, to be honest. Probably just new job jitters, but I don't really know. I can't seem to find any reassurance and it really sucks. *breathes out in a gust* Oh, well, all I can do is work hard and try to stay out of trouble.
Thursday should be interesting, too, for other reasons.
Well, we'll just see what the mists of time reveal when they roll away as the light of the present pierces its depths.
FIN.
It's been a busy weekend.
Like really busy.
And I'm so beat that, by right, I really shouldn't be in front of the computer. However, lamentably, not much in my life has not ever gone by left, so this is in the same vein.
Unfortunately, due to the sheer hustle of this past weekend, it has also meant that I've been losing or missing out on sleep. So far, I've accumulated not more than ten hours of sleep in the [roughly] last 72 hours or so. Too much tossing, turning and shaking myself awake while falling into a slumber. The peaceful sleep that I crave is eluding me and I'm starting to wonder if I'm becoming a complete insomniac.
*half-shrugs*
Time will tell, in my reckoning.
To summarize the whole weekend, one word says it all: BUSY.
Seriously.
Friday was spent reading and trying to catch the ever elusive sandman in snatches, before hitting Supperclub for the debut of Funk, Soul, Dubstep and Drum'n'Bass quartet of DJs [Nez, Shafiq, Yadin & Rah] who absolutely rocked out the night. A great big thank you to Rozz for inviting me to the party, as well as for being a supportive friend in an unrelated matter. Met some really old skatemates, which was awesome. I even had my mug photographed in the club which was so coooooool. Rozz introduced me to the DJs, all the seriously crazily cool people who came including the SMG crew, his housemate Eric, full-time Junglist Andy (hope you get back to London soon!) and his girl Yana, who is such a sweetheart!
Shame on those peeps who said that they would show but didn't! SHAME!!!
Oh, and Rozz is a pretty talented rapper, freestyling like no tomorrow when he had the opportunities, drunk or not! BIG UPS TO THE TROOPER OF THE NIGHT!! *smiles widely*
However, if the [regular] crowd that night was typical of a standard night at Supperclub, I am not going there ever again. Even with Julian - an old skate buddy - as the resident DJ! The crowd was just too yuppie-like and straining to be upper-class. Not to mention that there were next to no other races other than the Chinese and some random Snob Mats. -__- *sigh* Not my kinda crowd at all.
Saturday emerged out of Friday in sleepless-addled daze after I went to sleep at eight in the morning because I could find the legendary sleep monster and ended up reading [and finishing] one of Shaan's library books.
But it was a good day since I got to spend most of the afternoon with Farrah, Cha, Ash and Bruce. We had lunch plus delicious ice-cream in Holland Village and just caught up with each other and talked a LOT. And they are so supportive, I'm truly blessed to have such friends who are like family. *smiles* Also, I managed to meet Ashvin for a short while, too, before that.
The Book of Eli should become a cult classic, especially with fans of the post-apocalyptic genre. It contains some awesome action scenes and pretty original twists. It pretty much rocks, in my honest opinion.
I miss Nani, though, my Starbucks sister from another mother. She apparently has permanent Saturdays off now. Which is awesome for her!
By the way, the Daily Scoop is an awesome, awesome place for really gorgeously delicious homemade+handmade ice-cream. And it doesn't hurt that the place has a sentimental place in my heart for obvious reasons aside from ice-cream. *wry smile*
Sunday arose from the ashes of Saturday in a a haze of filtered sunlight and waking dream-choked sight. Rushed out of the house so I could meet up with Shan to help her move things from a storage facility in Clementi to her new home in Teck Whye, which is less than 5 minutes from Sue.
Also found out that we have a mutual friend without realizing it: KENNY. Amazing how small Singapore is. I have a funny feeling that almost everyone here is connected in some way.
Plus I met another old friend from way back when I was in high school, Dinesh, who I hadn't seen in slightly over a decade. It was awesome seeing him again, honestly, and we're going to try to meet up sometime soon to catch up.
But, ouch, i swear that towards the end of the day, I felt like I was gonna crap my spine out of my ass, especially after the tiles that we had to lift and store away. And my thighs are feeling wobbly plus a little on the burning side of things.
I am going to feel it all tomorrow, I just know it.
*stretches and rubs back sadly*
But it still doesn't change the fact that it's been a good weekend.
But tomorrow...
Tomorrow fills me with apprehension and a little fear, to be honest. Probably just new job jitters, but I don't really know. I can't seem to find any reassurance and it really sucks. *breathes out in a gust* Oh, well, all I can do is work hard and try to stay out of trouble.
Thursday should be interesting, too, for other reasons.
Well, we'll just see what the mists of time reveal when they roll away as the light of the present pierces its depths.
FIN.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
>>> Some people...
... only realise what they have when they've lost it.
... never realize what they've lost at all.
... believe themselves so righteous in their actions that reason escapes them.
... suffer greatly from the mistakes of others, even though they are bystanders.
... like to play games with people, beyond what is right.
... are stubborn beyond all rhyme and reason.
... instinctively run away from problems that they believe they cannot face.
... never stop running their whole life.
... are great teasers that keep you wanting more while keeping you at arm's length.
... run into their loved ones' arms and stay there.
... hate everything and everyone around them.
... love solitude.
... don't like being alone for very long.
... have great advice for others, but may sometimes need help themselves.
... try to be something that they really aren't.
... put on a facade for the whole world to see, and tear it off when at home or alone with tears running down their face.
... have issues, but doesn't everyone to some degree?
... always try to do what's right even if it would kill them.
... are not most people and refuse to conform to the mainstream.
... are just crazy.
... like to play with others' hearts and bodies.
... are hilarious with a great sense of humour.
... feel that they cannot move on and wallow in misery.
... take their misery and turn it into anger to fuel their forward movement.
... remember the good things, forgive and keep going with hope in their chest.
... are looking for a greater meaning or purpose in life.
... just love unconditionally.
... are thrown aside at whim.
... pick themselves up and keep going.
... just stay down in the dirt.
... are creative and artistic, to some degree.
... have wild and beautiful imaginations.
... have talent.
... work very hard.
... will never ever read this list that will go on and on if I do not stop here.
So...
... Which ones are YOU?
Or would you like to add on some others?
... never realize what they've lost at all.
... believe themselves so righteous in their actions that reason escapes them.
... suffer greatly from the mistakes of others, even though they are bystanders.
... like to play games with people, beyond what is right.
... are stubborn beyond all rhyme and reason.
... instinctively run away from problems that they believe they cannot face.
... never stop running their whole life.
... are great teasers that keep you wanting more while keeping you at arm's length.
... run into their loved ones' arms and stay there.
... hate everything and everyone around them.
... love solitude.
... don't like being alone for very long.
... have great advice for others, but may sometimes need help themselves.
... try to be something that they really aren't.
... put on a facade for the whole world to see, and tear it off when at home or alone with tears running down their face.
... have issues, but doesn't everyone to some degree?
... always try to do what's right even if it would kill them.
... are not most people and refuse to conform to the mainstream.
... are just crazy.
... like to play with others' hearts and bodies.
... are hilarious with a great sense of humour.
... feel that they cannot move on and wallow in misery.
... take their misery and turn it into anger to fuel their forward movement.
... remember the good things, forgive and keep going with hope in their chest.
... are looking for a greater meaning or purpose in life.
... just love unconditionally.
... are thrown aside at whim.
... pick themselves up and keep going.
... just stay down in the dirt.
... are creative and artistic, to some degree.
... have wild and beautiful imaginations.
... have talent.
... work very hard.
... will never ever read this list that will go on and on if I do not stop here.
So...
... Which ones are YOU?
Or would you like to add on some others?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
>>> Upon stormy seas...
... do we all sail.
If Love be a turbulent sea of storm-tossed waves and dark, low-hanging clouds wreathed in the sharp daggers of lightning and banks of rolling, rumbling thunder, then the ones whom we love are islands of calm in the tumult and their open arms safe harbours to wait out the passing storms.
While those that mean us harm are akin to jagged rocks lying just beneath the surface, awaiting their chance to dash the ships of our journey upon their deadly teeth, to consign us to the gloomy depths of misery and sorrow.
Be not the dangerous rocks, my friends.
Be the islands of calm.
LDSH
If Love be a turbulent sea of storm-tossed waves and dark, low-hanging clouds wreathed in the sharp daggers of lightning and banks of rolling, rumbling thunder, then the ones whom we love are islands of calm in the tumult and their open arms safe harbours to wait out the passing storms.
While those that mean us harm are akin to jagged rocks lying just beneath the surface, awaiting their chance to dash the ships of our journey upon their deadly teeth, to consign us to the gloomy depths of misery and sorrow.
Be not the dangerous rocks, my friends.
Be the islands of calm.
LDSH
Monday, July 19, 2010
>>> The last of a dying breed...
... one of the few good, decent men left out there.
Or so said a friend of mine, in reference to me. However, I'm not here to brag nor is this about my finer qualities. Not at all.
Honest. *grins*
It's 6.40 in the morning, it's chilly, my nose has decided to make a break for it and I just had the one of the longest phone conversations with a girl, since like ages ago.
Almost five hours long, crikey, with both of us zoning out and falling asleep towards the end of it. And she has to get to work at the hospital by 7. Like, holy crap. She called me 'coz she couldn't sleep and we ended up talking and shooting the breeze... and I think that we were inadvertently flirting with each other, but I don't really know 'ocz (1) it could be the lack of sleep fuzzing my brain out and/or (2) I, on my part, have no idea how to flirt.
I'm not kidding. Seriously, I don't.
Which would explain why I can't identify flirting even when it walks down the street wearing sexy, artfully torn mesh-net stockings, sporting a neon pink punk-rockish hairdo and backhands me in the face. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
*chuckles*
I'm not dense, I'm just kinda "blur", haha.
And, then again, there is that whole level of comfort that we have since we can say pretty much anything we want to the other with next to no negative consequences. Or, at least, so far. She let me get away with telling her to "get her sexy ass out the door to work"... which was kinda funny and rather surreal. AND I have no idea where that line came from. She laughed, so I guess that it's all good, nyeh?
*shakes head*
Your Honour, I blame lack of sleep for a temporary loss of vocal control and sanity.
At the very least, though, that long conversation proved one thing. I can still make a girl laugh with good humour, sharp [corrupt] wit and intelligence. *small grin*
Okay, so it was kind of about my finer qualities.
So sue me!
*laughs*
Or so said a friend of mine, in reference to me. However, I'm not here to brag nor is this about my finer qualities. Not at all.
Honest. *grins*
It's 6.40 in the morning, it's chilly, my nose has decided to make a break for it and I just had the one of the longest phone conversations with a girl, since like ages ago.
Almost five hours long, crikey, with both of us zoning out and falling asleep towards the end of it. And she has to get to work at the hospital by 7. Like, holy crap. She called me 'coz she couldn't sleep and we ended up talking and shooting the breeze... and I think that we were inadvertently flirting with each other, but I don't really know 'ocz (1) it could be the lack of sleep fuzzing my brain out and/or (2) I, on my part, have no idea how to flirt.
I'm not kidding. Seriously, I don't.
Which would explain why I can't identify flirting even when it walks down the street wearing sexy, artfully torn mesh-net stockings, sporting a neon pink punk-rockish hairdo and backhands me in the face. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
*chuckles*
I'm not dense, I'm just kinda "blur", haha.
And, then again, there is that whole level of comfort that we have since we can say pretty much anything we want to the other with next to no negative consequences. Or, at least, so far. She let me get away with telling her to "get her sexy ass out the door to work"... which was kinda funny and rather surreal. AND I have no idea where that line came from. She laughed, so I guess that it's all good, nyeh?
*shakes head*
Your Honour, I blame lack of sleep for a temporary loss of vocal control and sanity.
At the very least, though, that long conversation proved one thing. I can still make a girl laugh with good humour, sharp [corrupt] wit and intelligence. *small grin*
Okay, so it was kind of about my finer qualities.
So sue me!
*laughs*
Sunday, July 18, 2010
>>> Blank...
... is the title.
For I know not what to put down.
Well, the past week has been an emotional roller-coaster ride, and I've finally stopped riding the crazy loops and such. Thank God for no breaks in the tracks for the trams to jump.
Most things have steadied and straightened out. Only a few wrinkles, such as bloody employment and money, to iron out.
They'll be done eventually, I reckon.
On the other hand, I'm seriously losing interest in Facebook since it often feels bloody pointless at times. Takezo has refueled my EVE Online account so I'm being pretty much a fiend about it, though I was almost totally demoralized last night when someone blew up my prized ship. *grimaces* But work hard again to get some more ISK for parts and a newer, better ship. Though quite a few friends are laughing at the name I gave it.
'Manda and Nez are chatting [and giggling] over Skype or something in the next room, sounds rather cute, honestly. I could say that I feel a twinge of jealousy, but I don't think it's jealousy. More like a wry form of happiness for them.
I need a cigarette.
Anyways, I seem to be losing weight. Might be able to convince that Razza brother of mine to loan his bike to me so I can go cycling again, when he's not home. Good thing that the gas station is near home so I can pump the tyres. Soon, I'll feel the freedom that biking like a maniac used to give me. *grins* Or, at least, I hope so.
And another damn good reason to grin: MY GODSIS, FLA, IS BACK FROM THE UK!!! WHOOHOO!!! Might be going out for a club thingamajig sometime this week. I need it, she wants to go and, yeah, I figured that I need it.
Well, that's it.
As you were.
Carry on.
RS:-0
For I know not what to put down.
Well, the past week has been an emotional roller-coaster ride, and I've finally stopped riding the crazy loops and such. Thank God for no breaks in the tracks for the trams to jump.
Most things have steadied and straightened out. Only a few wrinkles, such as bloody employment and money, to iron out.
They'll be done eventually, I reckon.
On the other hand, I'm seriously losing interest in Facebook since it often feels bloody pointless at times. Takezo has refueled my EVE Online account so I'm being pretty much a fiend about it, though I was almost totally demoralized last night when someone blew up my prized ship. *grimaces* But work hard again to get some more ISK for parts and a newer, better ship. Though quite a few friends are laughing at the name I gave it.
'Manda and Nez are chatting [and giggling] over Skype or something in the next room, sounds rather cute, honestly. I could say that I feel a twinge of jealousy, but I don't think it's jealousy. More like a wry form of happiness for them.
I need a cigarette.
Anyways, I seem to be losing weight. Might be able to convince that Razza brother of mine to loan his bike to me so I can go cycling again, when he's not home. Good thing that the gas station is near home so I can pump the tyres. Soon, I'll feel the freedom that biking like a maniac used to give me. *grins* Or, at least, I hope so.
And another damn good reason to grin: MY GODSIS, FLA, IS BACK FROM THE UK!!! WHOOHOO!!! Might be going out for a club thingamajig sometime this week. I need it, she wants to go and, yeah, I figured that I need it.
Well, that's it.
As you were.
Carry on.
RS:-0
Thursday, July 15, 2010
>>> This song, the music...
... speaks to and from my heart and dives straight into my feelings.
RS:-4
Never Be The Same
Innocence & instinct
RED
I know you, who are you now?
Look into my eyes if you can’t remember
Do you remember? Oh
I can see, I can still find
you’re the only voice my heart can recognize
But I can’t hear you now, yeah
I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cause after loving you
I can never be the same
And how can I pretend I never
knew you like it was all a dream? No
I know I’ll never forget the way I always felt
with you beside me, and how you loved me then, yeah
I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cause after loving you
I can never be the same
You let me near, then I watched you disappear
You left this emptiness inside and I can’t turn back time
No! Stay! Nothing compares to you
nothing compares to you
I can’t let you go
can’t let you go
I can’t let go
I'll never be the same,
not after loving you,
not after loving you,
No
I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cause after loving you
I can never be the same
I can never be the same
I will never be the same
Woah woah woah woah woah
I just can’t walk away
No I can’t walk away from you
Innocence & instinct
RED
I know you, who are you now?
Look into my eyes if you can’t remember
Do you remember? Oh
I can see, I can still find
you’re the only voice my heart can recognize
But I can’t hear you now, yeah
I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cause after loving you
I can never be the same
And how can I pretend I never
knew you like it was all a dream? No
I know I’ll never forget the way I always felt
with you beside me, and how you loved me then, yeah
I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cause after loving you
I can never be the same
You let me near, then I watched you disappear
You left this emptiness inside and I can’t turn back time
No! Stay! Nothing compares to you
nothing compares to you
I can’t let you go
can’t let you go
I can’t let go
I'll never be the same,
not after loving you,
not after loving you,
No
I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cause after loving you
I can never be the same
I can never be the same
I will never be the same
Woah woah woah woah woah
I just can’t walk away
No I can’t walk away from you
RS:-4
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
>>> It's all building...
... up and up, and again and again.
I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode.
And it doesn't matter how much I vent, it just builds up again. I have no idea who to turn to right now, 'coz I do NOT want to keep bothering my friends with it and my family have their own problems.
I'm on my own.
And it sucks.
RS:-5
I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode.
And it doesn't matter how much I vent, it just builds up again. I have no idea who to turn to right now, 'coz I do NOT want to keep bothering my friends with it and my family have their own problems.
I'm on my own.
And it sucks.
RS:-5
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
>>> Pacing around...
... like a caged panther.
For the record, can anyone expect me to be happy, or even anywhere near fine, after all that has happened? So, if you're happily making fun of my misery or scoffing at it or anything along those lines, well... that's your opinion and problem.
I am not needy, desperate, wuss-like or anything like that.
Nor am I whining.
I've lost the woman whom I love through some goddamn messed up situational stack-up. And one of my closest army buddies to a goddamn brain tumour.
Therefore, I believe that I'm allowed to be miserable, if I don't have the right.
And do not tell me to move on.
I can't even bloody grieve!
So lay off!
For the record, can anyone expect me to be happy, or even anywhere near fine, after all that has happened? So, if you're happily making fun of my misery or scoffing at it or anything along those lines, well... that's your opinion and problem.
I am not needy, desperate, wuss-like or anything like that.
Nor am I whining.
I've lost the woman whom I love through some goddamn messed up situational stack-up. And one of my closest army buddies to a goddamn brain tumour.
Therefore, I believe that I'm allowed to be miserable, if I don't have the right.
And do not tell me to move on.
I can't even bloody grieve!
So lay off!
>>> An inner scream...
... that has to go somewhere.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frustrated & Upset Beyond All Relief.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frustrated & Upset Beyond All Relief.
>>> Misery...
... and who really cares?
I'm miserable.
No prizes for guessing why.
And I don't really care who knows it now. I'm beyond caring. I've been punished and tortured enough. I'm tired of treading water and trying to keep my head above the waves of depression, sadness and misery that keep washing over me, threatening to sink me and push me under.
I'm miserable. Period.
And there's no one to really turn to. Who the hell wants to listen anyway? Who the hell is going to bother to read this and even leave a note or think about it?
Nobody, by my reckoning.
Even if this sounds vindictive and unfair, I hope that she's happy now.
I'm miserable.
No prizes for guessing why.
And I don't really care who knows it now. I'm beyond caring. I've been punished and tortured enough. I'm tired of treading water and trying to keep my head above the waves of depression, sadness and misery that keep washing over me, threatening to sink me and push me under.
I'm miserable. Period.
And there's no one to really turn to. Who the hell wants to listen anyway? Who the hell is going to bother to read this and even leave a note or think about it?
Nobody, by my reckoning.
Even if this sounds vindictive and unfair, I hope that she's happy now.
Monday, July 12, 2010
>>> The World Cup Final...
... and my mom's bad dream!?
Yeah, my mom had a majorly bad nightmare that had her staggering out of her room and coming straight to me to hold me. I was actually quite touched until I found why my mom was doing that.
Apparently, in her nightmare, I'd gone out late with friends or something. When I came back [in the dream], I was apparently attacked by the same group I'd gone out with. My mom freaked out, both in and out of the dream.
SO, I got her to be comfortable on the couch and reassured her that I wouldn't be going out late at night for a while and generally stuff like that. And I mean it, no late nights out for the a while until my mom stops being worried.
I have never seen my mom so disturbed before, it was kinda freaky.
Actually, by right, I should be freaking out, 'coz the dream thing runs in the family. We dream it, it happens. In some form or the other. In real life.
But I'm too hyped by the final of the World Cup to be bothered yet, it was an awesome match. Plus, it must have set a record for the number of yellow cards issued. Like only two people on the Dutch team didn't get one. -____-
Total playtime of 127 minutes or so. Every last second was CRAZY, a real edge-of-your-seat-and-on-your-feet kinda match. BRILLIANT!!!
Anyways, I gotta jet. I have to figure out if I sleep now or later. My youngest bro Raz isn't sleeping coz he has to wake up at 6, which is in 13 minutes or less.
I wish that I could've watched the game with her and/or a bunch of my friends.
*shrugs* Oh, well...
... a very good morning to you all.
Yeah, my mom had a majorly bad nightmare that had her staggering out of her room and coming straight to me to hold me. I was actually quite touched until I found why my mom was doing that.
Apparently, in her nightmare, I'd gone out late with friends or something. When I came back [in the dream], I was apparently attacked by the same group I'd gone out with. My mom freaked out, both in and out of the dream.
SO, I got her to be comfortable on the couch and reassured her that I wouldn't be going out late at night for a while and generally stuff like that. And I mean it, no late nights out for the a while until my mom stops being worried.
I have never seen my mom so disturbed before, it was kinda freaky.
Actually, by right, I should be freaking out, 'coz the dream thing runs in the family. We dream it, it happens. In some form or the other. In real life.
But I'm too hyped by the final of the World Cup to be bothered yet, it was an awesome match. Plus, it must have set a record for the number of yellow cards issued. Like only two people on the Dutch team didn't get one. -____-
Total playtime of 127 minutes or so. Every last second was CRAZY, a real edge-of-your-seat-and-on-your-feet kinda match. BRILLIANT!!!
Anyways, I gotta jet. I have to figure out if I sleep now or later. My youngest bro Raz isn't sleeping coz he has to wake up at 6, which is in 13 minutes or less.
I wish that I could've watched the game with her and/or a bunch of my friends.
*shrugs* Oh, well...
... a very good morning to you all.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
>>> Smokes and liquor...
... would be good right about now?
I'm wishing that I had a coupla bottles of Corona, a glass of Tequila Sunrise or a Heartbreak Bacardi and a pack of cigs.
*sigh*
I don't know what else to say.
What can I say?
Nothing.
I guess.
I'm wishing that I had a coupla bottles of Corona, a glass of Tequila Sunrise or a Heartbreak Bacardi and a pack of cigs.
*sigh*
I don't know what else to say.
What can I say?
Nothing.
I guess.
>>> Wondering...
... and thinking.
I wish that I could say that I hate her, but I can't. I just can't. I love her, even now, just as much as before.
And I reckon that it's driving me rather nuts, ever so slowly.
Maybe I'm just too stupid, really stubborn or a combination of both to actually give up and give in to anything that's going on. I mean, surrendering to that black void of unfeeling and numb down-ness is really tempting at times, to just let it take me and float away on its dark tides, moving with its ebbs and surges. And maybe let it take me into its deadly embrace beneath the ripples of its glassy surface.
And it feels like she doesn't care right about now. At all. Not even a pip from her unless I do something first. It's not easy trying to be just friends with your ex. You can't be as candid and straightforward as you used to be... plus there's a gulf that exists, waiting to suck you down into a freefall you can't escape from until you're dashed upon the jagged rocks below.
And then there's this niggling hope that something might change for the better. Yet, it feels like it's setting me up to be betrayed or to fail epically. To be left on all fours on the ground, eating the dust of someone's departure and choking on one's own tears... then having to put on this front of strength and normality so that no one will worry even though you're torn up and bleeding inside.
*sigh*
Someone just hammer me senseless with a sledge, ey. End my state of misery.
Fuck it.
I'm going to eat some cereal. Doesn't change anything, but I'm going to eat some right now.
Even if it's not going to make me feel any better.
I wish that I could say that I hate her, but I can't. I just can't. I love her, even now, just as much as before.
And I reckon that it's driving me rather nuts, ever so slowly.
Maybe I'm just too stupid, really stubborn or a combination of both to actually give up and give in to anything that's going on. I mean, surrendering to that black void of unfeeling and numb down-ness is really tempting at times, to just let it take me and float away on its dark tides, moving with its ebbs and surges. And maybe let it take me into its deadly embrace beneath the ripples of its glassy surface.
And it feels like she doesn't care right about now. At all. Not even a pip from her unless I do something first. It's not easy trying to be just friends with your ex. You can't be as candid and straightforward as you used to be... plus there's a gulf that exists, waiting to suck you down into a freefall you can't escape from until you're dashed upon the jagged rocks below.
And then there's this niggling hope that something might change for the better. Yet, it feels like it's setting me up to be betrayed or to fail epically. To be left on all fours on the ground, eating the dust of someone's departure and choking on one's own tears... then having to put on this front of strength and normality so that no one will worry even though you're torn up and bleeding inside.
*sigh*
Someone just hammer me senseless with a sledge, ey. End my state of misery.
Fuck it.
I'm going to eat some cereal. Doesn't change anything, but I'm going to eat some right now.
Even if it's not going to make me feel any better.
Friday, July 09, 2010
>>> Racing on...
... into the light.
On Sunday, I was messaged on Facebook by Sarah that her boyfriend and love of the past five years had died suddenly while at work after collapsing on the floor. She'd used his account just before deleting it and I think I just barely got a reply out before she did that.
Now, you're probably wondering why this would be such a big deal, right?
Well, I hadn't mentioned the fact that he was buddy of mine from my army days. A very good buddy of mine, in fact.
His name?
Dylan Ramachandra-Tang.
Also known as Daytona due to his insane love of the arcade racing game of the same name. He'd met Sarah playing the damn thing, too, believe it or not. Since leaving the army, we'd talked off and on, especially since he migrated to Australia with Sarah.
He'd been through a lot, survived the best he could and always, always, kept his head up. Or, at least, tried to. He'd gone through the same thing with Sarah that I'm going through now with Purple, which he always said was the worst period of his life, apart from losing both his parents when he was serving. But I digress...
He'd passed away from a suspected brain tumour [or tumours], especially considering the regularity and insane intensity of his clustered migraines which he'd been suffering from for the last six years or so. According to Sarah, he'd been working at his garage, putting in extra hours to finish a project, when he was hit by a massive migraine that caused him to black out and collapse. They tried to revive him, but failed. He was pronounced dead upon arriving at the hospital.
He was planning his wedding and was going to visit this city-state in a couple of weeks. He has no next-of-kin and I couldn't even attend the funeral.
I'm going to miss him. He was such a solid chap and a damn good friend. I really will miss him.
I'll see you when I get there, one day, bro.
Right under that giant oak tree I kept telling you about.
On Sunday, I was messaged on Facebook by Sarah that her boyfriend and love of the past five years had died suddenly while at work after collapsing on the floor. She'd used his account just before deleting it and I think I just barely got a reply out before she did that.
Now, you're probably wondering why this would be such a big deal, right?
Well, I hadn't mentioned the fact that he was buddy of mine from my army days. A very good buddy of mine, in fact.
His name?
Dylan Ramachandra-Tang.
Also known as Daytona due to his insane love of the arcade racing game of the same name. He'd met Sarah playing the damn thing, too, believe it or not. Since leaving the army, we'd talked off and on, especially since he migrated to Australia with Sarah.
He'd been through a lot, survived the best he could and always, always, kept his head up. Or, at least, tried to. He'd gone through the same thing with Sarah that I'm going through now with Purple, which he always said was the worst period of his life, apart from losing both his parents when he was serving. But I digress...
He'd passed away from a suspected brain tumour [or tumours], especially considering the regularity and insane intensity of his clustered migraines which he'd been suffering from for the last six years or so. According to Sarah, he'd been working at his garage, putting in extra hours to finish a project, when he was hit by a massive migraine that caused him to black out and collapse. They tried to revive him, but failed. He was pronounced dead upon arriving at the hospital.
He was planning his wedding and was going to visit this city-state in a couple of weeks. He has no next-of-kin and I couldn't even attend the funeral.
I'm going to miss him. He was such a solid chap and a damn good friend. I really will miss him.
Rest In Peace
Dylan "Daytona" Ramachandra-Tang,
11/10/1983 - 04/07/2010.
Good friend, dedicated artisan, amazing listener,
survivor and wonderful soul.
May you find your peace in Heaven.
You will be missed.
Always.
Amen.
Dylan "Daytona" Ramachandra-Tang,
11/10/1983 - 04/07/2010.
Good friend, dedicated artisan, amazing listener,
survivor and wonderful soul.
May you find your peace in Heaven.
You will be missed.
Always.
Amen.
I'll see you when I get there, one day, bro.
Right under that giant oak tree I kept telling you about.
>>> Cluster migraines...
... and busy days. Part Two.
It's been a rather busy, almost hectic, last three days. Unfortunately, I don't know whether I want the pace to continue. Don't get me wrong, having a lull and time to rest is all well and good, but I don't like the amount of time it gives me to think. And right about now, thinking is the last thing that I want to do since it seems that no matter what I think about, it always seems to head in one particular direction which is not bloody healthy for my peace of mind at the moment. And it's such a struggle to not let it consume me.
But anyways....
Tuesday was a really lousy day with the disappointment that the opportunity that I was offered was basically nothing more than the organisation being "nice" and giving themselves some publicity at our expense of time.
However, it was good to see Jothi again. Plus a heck of a shock to discover that she has not only a Degree in Education and experience as a teacher and a lecturer, but a Masters in Mathematical Philosophy, too! Like, wow!
And hanging with Ash before the interview gig at that organisation was pretty good, allowing us to both vent a helluva lot.
Having your ex ask how the interview went should've been a bittersweet deal - 'coz it shows that she still cares in some capacity - that didn't quite go down the way it should have, unfortunately.
And if you're reading this, I'm really sorry for blowing up at you over the phone, it wasn't right of me to do so. The anger that I threw at you didn't even have very much to do with you; it stemmed from so much loss in such a short period of time (relationship, recently a close friend in a far away place & soon my home), constantly being texted by someone who's trying to mess with my mind and having my time wasted by an organisation that has no real interest in hiring people. I'm really truly sorry.
Suffice to say, I don't think either of us got much sleep that night. This is such a bloody torturous situation, for both of us. But something doesn't sit right at all, overall. Not sure what yet, but since I have so much time to think, I'll figure it out. Eventually.
Wednesday was madness in the afternoon, though by the time I got home in the wee hours of the morning the next day, it was all so worth it. Or, at least, mostly worth it.
Dropped a cheque off for my Dad at Northpoint and was originally supposed to head down to Holland V but that was called off at the last minute. Instead, I went back home to rest and ended up falling asleep. Woke up a little later and rushed down to Vivocity to meet Ash, Cha and Nick [my godson!] for an early dinner. I had a blast, getting to play with my godson after not seeing him for two years (the last time that I saw him was the day he was born). I hope that I get to see him again soon. *grin* He's soooooooo damn cute! And SMART!!! *wider grin*
After that, while waiting for Myst, I dropped by Shears in Selegie to hang out with Wolfgang for a bit. Shot the breeze, ranted and vented. HE gave me an option to find some personal help. I may just take him up on that.
Met Myst at PS later on and hopped a bus down to Orchard Parade to surprise Jonesy at Carol's behest. We didn't get off the 36 at OP but at the Regent/Regis and walked down Cuscaden. Myst was starving but I ended up eating half her fries and the leftover third of her burger. Haha, no wonder I'm putting on weight, I keep finishing off everybody else's food. *laughs* Semi-surprised Jonesy at Ballymoon's due to him actually walking from the bathroom to the bar when we were about to enter the pub. Had a really good time, ragged Jonesy, received some good advice from Carol, met two rather interesting Eurasian girls and their mom plus one of the girl's boyfriends (who's a STE/K engineer O.O) and have found a soft spot for Coronas. *grin*
After the night was done, Myst's brother dropped me off at home. When I got home, I finally caught my first game of the entire World Cup: the semi-final of Spain versus Germany. The Crimson Tide beat the White Warmachine, it was amazing to watch, a pretty exciting game with way too many close calls and one very squandered, very wasted chance.
To the Germans and associated supporters, please don't kill the Octopus, it's not his fault!
Well, hopefully, I get to watch the very final between Holland and Spain. Or, as I call it, the Orange Flood takes on the Crimson Tide! I have no idea who to support on the day itself since I like both countries, for various reasons.
Anyways, too bad for li'l ol' me, I started having a migraine after the match and it was nearly impossible to sleep. Kept waking up every few minutes or at least once every hour. Finally couldn't take it and popped four painkiller tabs to get rid of it. But that was around eleven plus on Thursday morning, almost seven hours after trying to sleep.
Really felt like I wanted to die, honestly, like I just wanted to smash my cranium against the wall and watch the skull shattering into tiny little fragments that'd pepper the room in a wide circle like a grenade exploding, the blood splashing, splattering and spilling across the wall, dripping slowly down with little fleshy globs of grey matter mixed up in the morass and the body slumping slowly against the wall...
... okay, a little too graphic! =P
ANYWAYS, I met up with Meiya (Gin's boyfriend) who's offered me an apprenticeship as an airbrush tattoo artist, which sounds quite cool. And he taught me how to clean the airbrush as well as use one to do airbrush tattoos with a template/stencil. It was really cool, and he's really patient. And he likes my artwork!
After that, I headed down to Thomson Plaza coz Joseph has asked me to come back and work temporarily as a barista. I'm doing this as a favour to him and 'coz I need the little [extra] cash.
Ashvin and Pervalidus dropped by my crib. We just talked and stuff, discussed life and woes. Basically, just chilled the freak out.
After all this was done, I just wanted to pick up the phone and call... well, if you lot know me well enough, you'd know who I wanted to call. So, I don't have to say much.
Because, you know, all this feels so hollow without someone to share it with. To actually vocally verbalise it, to say it out loud and obtain a visible or audible reaction.
And not just to or from a friend or someone from the Family.
Someone special, close to the heart.
*sigh*
This.
Just.
Sucks.
It's been a rather busy, almost hectic, last three days. Unfortunately, I don't know whether I want the pace to continue. Don't get me wrong, having a lull and time to rest is all well and good, but I don't like the amount of time it gives me to think. And right about now, thinking is the last thing that I want to do since it seems that no matter what I think about, it always seems to head in one particular direction which is not bloody healthy for my peace of mind at the moment. And it's such a struggle to not let it consume me.
But anyways....
Tuesday was a really lousy day with the disappointment that the opportunity that I was offered was basically nothing more than the organisation being "nice" and giving themselves some publicity at our expense of time.
However, it was good to see Jothi again. Plus a heck of a shock to discover that she has not only a Degree in Education and experience as a teacher and a lecturer, but a Masters in Mathematical Philosophy, too! Like, wow!
And hanging with Ash before the interview gig at that organisation was pretty good, allowing us to both vent a helluva lot.
Having your ex ask how the interview went should've been a bittersweet deal - 'coz it shows that she still cares in some capacity - that didn't quite go down the way it should have, unfortunately.
And if you're reading this, I'm really sorry for blowing up at you over the phone, it wasn't right of me to do so. The anger that I threw at you didn't even have very much to do with you; it stemmed from so much loss in such a short period of time (relationship, recently a close friend in a far away place & soon my home), constantly being texted by someone who's trying to mess with my mind and having my time wasted by an organisation that has no real interest in hiring people. I'm really truly sorry.
Suffice to say, I don't think either of us got much sleep that night. This is such a bloody torturous situation, for both of us. But something doesn't sit right at all, overall. Not sure what yet, but since I have so much time to think, I'll figure it out. Eventually.
Wednesday was madness in the afternoon, though by the time I got home in the wee hours of the morning the next day, it was all so worth it. Or, at least, mostly worth it.
Dropped a cheque off for my Dad at Northpoint and was originally supposed to head down to Holland V but that was called off at the last minute. Instead, I went back home to rest and ended up falling asleep. Woke up a little later and rushed down to Vivocity to meet Ash, Cha and Nick [my godson!] for an early dinner. I had a blast, getting to play with my godson after not seeing him for two years (the last time that I saw him was the day he was born). I hope that I get to see him again soon. *grin* He's soooooooo damn cute! And SMART!!! *wider grin*
After that, while waiting for Myst, I dropped by Shears in Selegie to hang out with Wolfgang for a bit. Shot the breeze, ranted and vented. HE gave me an option to find some personal help. I may just take him up on that.
Met Myst at PS later on and hopped a bus down to Orchard Parade to surprise Jonesy at Carol's behest. We didn't get off the 36 at OP but at the Regent/Regis and walked down Cuscaden. Myst was starving but I ended up eating half her fries and the leftover third of her burger. Haha, no wonder I'm putting on weight, I keep finishing off everybody else's food. *laughs* Semi-surprised Jonesy at Ballymoon's due to him actually walking from the bathroom to the bar when we were about to enter the pub. Had a really good time, ragged Jonesy, received some good advice from Carol, met two rather interesting Eurasian girls and their mom plus one of the girl's boyfriends (who's a STE/K engineer O.O) and have found a soft spot for Coronas. *grin*
After the night was done, Myst's brother dropped me off at home. When I got home, I finally caught my first game of the entire World Cup: the semi-final of Spain versus Germany. The Crimson Tide beat the White Warmachine, it was amazing to watch, a pretty exciting game with way too many close calls and one very squandered, very wasted chance.
To the Germans and associated supporters, please don't kill the Octopus, it's not his fault!
Well, hopefully, I get to watch the very final between Holland and Spain. Or, as I call it, the Orange Flood takes on the Crimson Tide! I have no idea who to support on the day itself since I like both countries, for various reasons.
Anyways, too bad for li'l ol' me, I started having a migraine after the match and it was nearly impossible to sleep. Kept waking up every few minutes or at least once every hour. Finally couldn't take it and popped four painkiller tabs to get rid of it. But that was around eleven plus on Thursday morning, almost seven hours after trying to sleep.
Really felt like I wanted to die, honestly, like I just wanted to smash my cranium against the wall and watch the skull shattering into tiny little fragments that'd pepper the room in a wide circle like a grenade exploding, the blood splashing, splattering and spilling across the wall, dripping slowly down with little fleshy globs of grey matter mixed up in the morass and the body slumping slowly against the wall...
... okay, a little too graphic! =P
ANYWAYS, I met up with Meiya (Gin's boyfriend) who's offered me an apprenticeship as an airbrush tattoo artist, which sounds quite cool. And he taught me how to clean the airbrush as well as use one to do airbrush tattoos with a template/stencil. It was really cool, and he's really patient. And he likes my artwork!
After that, I headed down to Thomson Plaza coz Joseph has asked me to come back and work temporarily as a barista. I'm doing this as a favour to him and 'coz I need the little [extra] cash.
Ashvin and Pervalidus dropped by my crib. We just talked and stuff, discussed life and woes. Basically, just chilled the freak out.
After all this was done, I just wanted to pick up the phone and call... well, if you lot know me well enough, you'd know who I wanted to call. So, I don't have to say much.
Because, you know, all this feels so hollow without someone to share it with. To actually vocally verbalise it, to say it out loud and obtain a visible or audible reaction.
And not just to or from a friend or someone from the Family.
Someone special, close to the heart.
*sigh*
This.
Just.
Sucks.
>>> Cluster migraines...
... and busy times.
I'm too tired to blog in full. Plus, I'm not feeling too well (and no one around to look after poor li'l ol' me. *mock sigh*).
So, I'm going to sleep soonish and will blog in full tomorrow, if I can.
Good night, all.
Zzzzz...
I'm too tired to blog in full. Plus, I'm not feeling too well (and no one around to look after poor li'l ol' me. *mock sigh*).
So, I'm going to sleep soonish and will blog in full tomorrow, if I can.
Good night, all.
Zzzzz...
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
>>> Like a bulldog...
… I have never given up.
At any point.
No matter how much I may exclaim that I 'give up', I don't really do so.
Why?
Because I'm too stubborn, tenacious and persevering to do so. Or so I've been told before. Just like a bulldog. Heh.
I actually agree, because I have never given up easily. I'm just not programmed that way. So, even when faced with a problem, I'll keep chipping away at it until I find a solution, regardless of how impatient I get.
And the current frustrating situation I'm in deserves a solution.
Therefore, I'm not bloody well giving up. On anything or anyone.
I've not done so before, and I'm not going to now.
EVER.
At any point.
No matter how much I may exclaim that I 'give up', I don't really do so.
Why?
Because I'm too stubborn, tenacious and persevering to do so. Or so I've been told before. Just like a bulldog. Heh.
I actually agree, because I have never given up easily. I'm just not programmed that way. So, even when faced with a problem, I'll keep chipping away at it until I find a solution, regardless of how impatient I get.
And the current frustrating situation I'm in deserves a solution.
Therefore, I'm not bloody well giving up. On anything or anyone.
I've not done so before, and I'm not going to now.
EVER.
Monday, July 05, 2010
>>> Nothing much...
... to say today.
Woke up dead early today 'coz I had to meet Lynx at Jurong East. We had a good time catching up and just talking about stuff. Sent her home after hanging around the JE Library for almost four hours.
Silly woman (haha!) called me after I left her at Teck Whye and we ended up on the phone for another 30 minutes. Everytime we said "bye", we ended up talking about more stuff. It was so funny! *laughs* But she made a valid point during the convo as she said that one of our similarities is that we lose ourselves when we're in a relationship, which is quite sad. Just gotta find myself again, which isn't going too badly.
I'm at home again, by myself, feeling rather lonely.
But I'm not depressed. Just lonely. *shrugs* Weird feeling. But, I have things to do.
Anyways, gotta go do the laundry.
Speaking of laundry, I only 'ave four usable pairs of boxers now. SO, therefore, the very first order of business when I get a job is to buy a dozen or so to replenish my stocks, haha.
Laters!
Woke up dead early today 'coz I had to meet Lynx at Jurong East. We had a good time catching up and just talking about stuff. Sent her home after hanging around the JE Library for almost four hours.
Silly woman (haha!) called me after I left her at Teck Whye and we ended up on the phone for another 30 minutes. Everytime we said "bye", we ended up talking about more stuff. It was so funny! *laughs* But she made a valid point during the convo as she said that one of our similarities is that we lose ourselves when we're in a relationship, which is quite sad. Just gotta find myself again, which isn't going too badly.
I'm at home again, by myself, feeling rather lonely.
But I'm not depressed. Just lonely. *shrugs* Weird feeling. But, I have things to do.
Anyways, gotta go do the laundry.
Speaking of laundry, I only 'ave four usable pairs of boxers now. SO, therefore, the very first order of business when I get a job is to buy a dozen or so to replenish my stocks, haha.
Laters!
Sunday, July 04, 2010
>>> Nothing lasts forever...
... but then again, some things come really close.
Yet again, a title that has nothing to with the subject matter. Or maybe it's a hidden message? Or perhaps it's meant for only one person to understand? Or it could be a hidden message for conspirators? Or possibly subliminal messaging? Who knows?
Just heard from my younger bro, Nez, that Argentina has been knocked out of the World Cup. If that is true, I feel sorry for Myst.
Anyways, still waiting for Scott Pilgrim and The Last Airbender to drop so I can enjoy the virtual insanities of both movies.
Definitely want to organize a posse outting for these two... and imagine that, Scott Pilgrim is the stupid kinda funny show that I try to avoid watching, but I'm willing to watch 'coz it's just TOO funny looking. =D
Anyways, I'm really irritated with my dad and Nez. Both keep taking my damn slippers (flip-flops) and that idiot Nez keeps wearing my t-shirts for days at a time before he gets out of them.
And he doesn't wash them. -___-
If that isn't irritating enough, he has a very bad habit of taking the stuff that she gave me, which pisses me off no end. GRRRRRRR.... The twit would have clothes to wear if he didn't bloody well dump them all on the floor in his room instead of putting it in the laundry for wash. Moron.
Why is the slipper thing so irritating? I have no interest in going to the neighbourhood store in my shoes when all I have to do is slip on my flip-flops. But when I have to go down to the store, guess what?
My slippers are bloody well missing.
GET YOU OWN GODDAMN SLIPPERS!!! STOP TAKING MINE!!!
And we return you to your regularly scheduled day.
Thank you.
Yet again, a title that has nothing to with the subject matter. Or maybe it's a hidden message? Or perhaps it's meant for only one person to understand? Or it could be a hidden message for conspirators? Or possibly subliminal messaging? Who knows?
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
Hahahahahaha!!! Now, that's subliminal messaging, of a kind... *strikes an evil villain pose* And speaking of evil villains, the movie Despicable Me will be landing in cinemas soon. Anybody wanna gather a posse to watch? But, just to let you know, I'm watching it for the little yellow henchmen-slash-minions [you can view them below], not anything else! XDyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
youwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwilllovemeyouwillloveme
Just heard from my younger bro, Nez, that Argentina has been knocked out of the World Cup. If that is true, I feel sorry for Myst.
Anyways, still waiting for Scott Pilgrim and The Last Airbender to drop so I can enjoy the virtual insanities of both movies.
Definitely want to organize a posse outting for these two... and imagine that, Scott Pilgrim is the stupid kinda funny show that I try to avoid watching, but I'm willing to watch 'coz it's just TOO funny looking. =D
Anyways, I'm really irritated with my dad and Nez. Both keep taking my damn slippers (flip-flops) and that idiot Nez keeps wearing my t-shirts for days at a time before he gets out of them.
And he doesn't wash them. -___-
If that isn't irritating enough, he has a very bad habit of taking the stuff that she gave me, which pisses me off no end. GRRRRRRR.... The twit would have clothes to wear if he didn't bloody well dump them all on the floor in his room instead of putting it in the laundry for wash. Moron.
Why is the slipper thing so irritating? I have no interest in going to the neighbourhood store in my shoes when all I have to do is slip on my flip-flops. But when I have to go down to the store, guess what?
My slippers are bloody well missing.
GET YOU OWN GODDAMN SLIPPERS!!! STOP TAKING MINE!!!
And we return you to your regularly scheduled day.
Thank you.
Friday, July 02, 2010
>>> Opportunity arises...
... that may change everything.
Pray for me, people, I have an opportunity that can solve almost all the little, niggling, short-term issues that I'm currently facing.
I'm going to nail this opportunity to the wall and make it mine.
Pray for me, people, I have an opportunity that can solve almost all the little, niggling, short-term issues that I'm currently facing.
I'm going to nail this opportunity to the wall and make it mine.
>>> Electric jolts...
... and crushing pain.
For some strange reason, I experienced something that should've scared the living daylights out of me earlier tonight.
What was it?
I experienced a crushing pain in my chest that receded and gave way to having electric-like jolts of sharp pain shoot and course through my left arm. And then the chest crushing continued later on. And it came out of nowhere, like a left-field kind of sitrep.
The scary part: they're the classic symptoms of a heart attack. Wouldn't that just be the joke of the century? Having a heart attack after all the crap that's happened in the past month? *shakes head*
The pain was agonising for a while, but I laughed it off with gallows humour and made it home somehow.
Maybe it's just [subconscious] stress.
I hope so since the alternative is a bit too dicey for me to contemplate.
I think I should consider arranging for a cardiac screening or something sometime soon, just to be on the safe side.
Oh, well, off to bed.
After a smoke.
For some strange reason, I experienced something that should've scared the living daylights out of me earlier tonight.
What was it?
I experienced a crushing pain in my chest that receded and gave way to having electric-like jolts of sharp pain shoot and course through my left arm. And then the chest crushing continued later on. And it came out of nowhere, like a left-field kind of sitrep.
The scary part: they're the classic symptoms of a heart attack. Wouldn't that just be the joke of the century? Having a heart attack after all the crap that's happened in the past month? *shakes head*
The pain was agonising for a while, but I laughed it off with gallows humour and made it home somehow.
Maybe it's just [subconscious] stress.
I hope so since the alternative is a bit too dicey for me to contemplate.
I think I should consider arranging for a cardiac screening or something sometime soon, just to be on the safe side.
Oh, well, off to bed.
After a smoke.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
>>> Rubbing salt into my wounds...
... to aggravate me and get a reaction?
I'm seriously pissed off right about now. Some fucking moron decided to text with a withheld number to let me know this:
"Hey, just wanted to let you know that Nell is going to Thailand for the weekend with her family. She's doing so much better without you."
Like what the fuck!?
I know that I bloody well don't deserve that. Not in the fucking least.
What, have I been painted as so much of a bastard that someone decides to screw me over like that!!?
Well, fuck you, too, pal!
If I ever find out who this yellow-bellied, balls-less, gutless wonder is, I'm going to rip off a lot more than a just freaking limb.
YOU READ THIS!?
I'm seriously pissed off right about now. Some fucking moron decided to text with a withheld number to let me know this:
"Hey, just wanted to let you know that Nell is going to Thailand for the weekend with her family. She's doing so much better without you."
Like what the fuck!?
I know that I bloody well don't deserve that. Not in the fucking least.
What, have I been painted as so much of a bastard that someone decides to screw me over like that!!?
Well, fuck you, too, pal!
If I ever find out who this yellow-bellied, balls-less, gutless wonder is, I'm going to rip off a lot more than a just freaking limb.
YOU READ THIS!?
>>> One a day...
... and I'll be done before I know it.
Finally getting started on my assignments proper. Figured that if I do one a day, I'll be done by next Tuesday, Wednesday latest. And then I'll be finally done with that so the only thing to worry about would be my attachment-employment gig.
So, yeah.
Right about now I have some frustration boiling around in my stomach for some reason, but whatever, it'll go away eventually. Or I'll just vent it out later at ViD's anniversary shindig over an hour of gaming. Or talk to Pervalidus.
Gotta get cracking on my assignments, so I'll cut this short.
Laters.
Finally getting started on my assignments proper. Figured that if I do one a day, I'll be done by next Tuesday, Wednesday latest. And then I'll be finally done with that so the only thing to worry about would be my attachment-employment gig.
So, yeah.
Right about now I have some frustration boiling around in my stomach for some reason, but whatever, it'll go away eventually. Or I'll just vent it out later at ViD's anniversary shindig over an hour of gaming. Or talk to Pervalidus.
Gotta get cracking on my assignments, so I'll cut this short.
Laters.
>>> Time doesn't stand still...
... so why should I?
I've had it with being paralyzed by the events around me, the limbo-like rut that I've been in for the last THREE years and the wuss I've become after almost two years [Curse a certain coffee company for beginning my downward spiral!).
No more looking at things that are beyond my control. If I'm needed to do something, I will, but if it doesn't involve me directly, it's NOT my problem.
In that vein, I've settled the groundwork for my insurance plan and spending with some help from my friend Ashvin, so it's not a problem nor will it be. Covered for hospitalization and critical illness so the only thing lacking is coverage for total disability and life insurance which will be arranged once I've landed a proper starting point for my career in social services.
So, for now, it's just having to find a job and use the starting month as a my attachment requirement to complete my course. And I'm determined to have a career in social services so that the money thrown into this course isn't wasted. To that effect, I've started asking some well-placed friends for help in getting an opening in a related organisation.
And while that's going on, I'm going to be finishing up my last few assignments so they can be submitted and I can be done with them.
As well as working on getting back into shape to lose all this excess weight so I can look good again like I used to back in high school.
Plus getting back into my art and finding my groove again.
Time waits for no one.
TO WORK!!!
I've had it with being paralyzed by the events around me, the limbo-like rut that I've been in for the last THREE years and the wuss I've become after almost two years [Curse a certain coffee company for beginning my downward spiral!).
No more looking at things that are beyond my control. If I'm needed to do something, I will, but if it doesn't involve me directly, it's NOT my problem.
In that vein, I've settled the groundwork for my insurance plan and spending with some help from my friend Ashvin, so it's not a problem nor will it be. Covered for hospitalization and critical illness so the only thing lacking is coverage for total disability and life insurance which will be arranged once I've landed a proper starting point for my career in social services.
So, for now, it's just having to find a job and use the starting month as a my attachment requirement to complete my course. And I'm determined to have a career in social services so that the money thrown into this course isn't wasted. To that effect, I've started asking some well-placed friends for help in getting an opening in a related organisation.
And while that's going on, I'm going to be finishing up my last few assignments so they can be submitted and I can be done with them.
As well as working on getting back into shape to lose all this excess weight so I can look good again like I used to back in high school.
Plus getting back into my art and finding my groove again.
Time waits for no one.
TO WORK!!!
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