>>> Wondering...

... and thinking.

I wish that I could say that I hate her, but I can't. I just can't. I love her, even now, just as much as before.

And I reckon that it's driving me rather nuts, ever so slowly.

Maybe I'm just too stupid, really stubborn or a combination of both to actually give up and give in to anything that's going on. I mean, surrendering to that black void of unfeeling and numb down-ness is really tempting at times, to just let it take me and float away on its dark tides, moving with its ebbs and surges. And maybe let it take me into its deadly embrace beneath the ripples of its glassy surface.

And it feels like she doesn't care right about now. At all. Not even a pip from her unless I do something first. It's not easy trying to be just friends with your ex. You can't be as candid and straightforward as you used to be... plus there's a gulf that exists, waiting to suck you down into a freefall you can't escape from until you're dashed upon the jagged rocks below.

And then there's this niggling hope that something might change for the better. Yet, it feels like it's setting me up to be betrayed or to fail epically. To be left on all fours on the ground, eating the dust of someone's departure and choking on one's own tears... then having to put on this front of strength and normality so that no one will worry even though you're torn up and bleeding inside.

*sigh*

Someone just hammer me senseless with a sledge, ey. End my state of misery.

Fuck it.

I'm going to eat some cereal. Doesn't change anything, but I'm going to eat some right now.

Even if it's not going to make me feel any better.