>>> God...

... has a magic eight ball.

And I swear that he uses it to mess about with everyone and everything.

I'm sitting in TP and watching a close friend lose his marbles, bordering on a hysterical breakdown of epic proportions.

And I'm pissed off for some strange reason.

And yet Plasticated, Pervalidus, Purple and myself are still able to laugh.

Strange.

>>> Hugs are magical...

... and falling asleep on a couch is commonplace.

Yes, hugs are magical.

Just think about it for a couple of minutes and you just might see why.

And, yes, I fell asleep on my couch again. Thankfully, this time around, I didn't wake up with an aching back or neck or whathaveyouwhatchamacallitblahblah.

*laughs*

And I want to travel the world.

With someone.

_{And maybe take it over, too, while we're at it, haha.}

>>> I wish that...

... I didn't still miss you.
... I didn't still want you.
... I didn't still need you.
... I didn't still love you.
... I didn't have my demons.
... I hadn't smothered you.
... I wasn't so miserable without you.
... I wasn't incomplete without you.
... I could stop thinking about you.
... I could cease dreaming of you.
... I could let go.
... I didn't feel so alone and lost, even while surrounded by colleagues, friends and family.
... that all the memories would stop flooding me everywhere that I go.
... my mind could move on.
... my heart didn't believe that it can't go on without you.
... my soul didn't feel empty and hollow.
... electric shivers didn't race through me whenever I see or hear you.
... I could call you and hear your voice without going to pieces.
... this wasn't driving me crazy.
... it didn't hurt so damn much.
... I hadn't screwed up.
... I had listened properly.
... I had been the man that you deserved and needed.
... I had the chance to be that man, because I know I can be.
... I could tell you, on bended knees and to your face, how much I love you and how sorry that I am.
... we could try again.
... I talk to you for hours and hours about anything and everything like we used to.
... I could walk up to you, pull each other close, wrapping our arms around each other and soak in our essences till our very beings were filled to bursting and light-headed with our shared love, floating above the world.
... we were lying in bed next to each other, hands entwined as I watch you sleep peacefully, contentment glowing on your face as your luscious hair tickles my face while we're snuggled up together.
... I was safe, cradled in your arms again.
... I hadn't made you feel the way you do now.
... all the terrible things hadn't happened.
... you would give me another chance.
... I knew the right way to go.
... I could make things right.
... I could prove myself to you.
... we were together, as friends, lovers and everything it's possible to be.

I STILL MISS, WANT, NEED AND LOVE YOU.
I CAN'T STOP THINKING OF YOU.
I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
I WANT TO BE THE MAN THAT YOU DESERVE.
I KNOW I CAN BE THAT MAN.
I JUST NEED A CHANCE AND TIME.
I WISH FOR A MIRACLE.
I WISH FOR YOU.

^{I'm going crazy, if I'm not already.}

>>> Lupus Manifesto...

^{... a declaration, of sorts.}

Plans laid out don't always hold nor do they last.

More's the pity.

I looked forward to many years with her, to love, to be loved, to share and enjoy life with, to succeed where before I failed, to prove that a bright future is possible and thereby that people are wrong about me and that I can stand up to the tests that come.

Now, that which gave me hope, belief and faith has come to an end.

But, I have to move forward, not only to hold up and prove my potential but to prove the naysayers wrong and to prove my worth to the woman whom I still love.

Even if it drives me nearly insane in the process.

Take a chance, bide the time and then strike.

That is all.

>>> Moving forward...

... is all that I can do.

Moving on is not the exact term that can be used for there is not really anything to move on to. Moving forward is more accurate, since no one can ever really cut off their feelings.

But, damn, is it difficult.

Especially when one can't stop thinking about someone who means a helluva lot, even if one doesn't want to think at all. And it doesn't help that it feels like it ended way too soon, too abruptly. Nor do the constant reminders all around one's self.

The feelings of worthlessness and failure are only compounded by what people say. Like how someone who I used to think had my back completely can actually mouth such insensitive things that only serve to make me worse.

Yes, I'm still in an emo-state. Probably will be for a while, I'm not too sure. It's been three weeks, and I still feel damaged.

The whole situation is not fair at all and feels like it hasn't been tied up.

How can two people who love and care for each other not be together? This isn't a movie or a sitcom, it just doesn't really happen in real life. And how does anyone come to the conclusion that the relationship is not going anywhere?

Cripes.

Can you imagine how angry and sad that makes me feel??

Especially when I still love the woman and miss her terribly, when all I want to do is go up to her and hug her to me, holding her close.

Not going to happen anytime soon.

I do not deserve what I'm going through or the way that my mind, and heart, keep getting sent for a spinning loop.

Enough online venting, it doesn't help very much.

I'm gonna go skate.

Have fun, y'all.

And remember, keep your loved ones close.

>>> Such strange luck...

... that I find something like this, that says so much.

Lyrics

No one wants to wake up to an empty home
No one ever wants to be alone
It's not so easy to let them go
The ones that you love

Now that you're gone, who will make me smile?
Who will pick me up when I fall down?
Who will be there to tell me right from wrong?
I regret letting you go

I have this vacancy in my heart
There's just something that's always tearing me apart
I don't know why I ever let you go
Now, there is no one to bear with me

Everyday I wake up thinking it'll be okay
'Cause you promised me that, you'd come back some day
My heart is throbbing but I will wait
And I'll strive... to stay strong

And I will always miss you
But I can't take it anymore
What if your that one they said
that passed away, oh no

I have this vacancy in my heart
There's just something that's always tearing me apart
I don't know why I ever let you go
Now, there's no one to bear with me

And I miss you and love you and I will hold on
And I know there's a chance that you will come back, oh ooh
And I dream of the day that you'd come back home
And I hope that you know

I have this vacancy in my heart
There's just something that's always tearing me apart
I don't know why I ever let you go
Now, there's no one to bear with me

I have this vacancy in my heart
There's just something that's always tearing me apart
I don't know why I ever let you go
Now, there's no one to bear with me

Bear with me

_{Dedicated to anyone who has ever gone through a break-up or is going through one now.}