>>> It's a tough time...

... and I don't know exactly how I feel.

Or maybe I'm not sure how to express it properly.

I'm sitting at home, I'm talking to a friend on the phone and I find myself feeling down and alone.

I miss HER.

I cannot get it wrapped around my head that She doesn't love me anymore and how could something like that actually happen... it hurts.

It really fucking hurts.

My heart feels like it has fled the scene with a bloody trail behind it, my body seems to be running like an automaton and going through the motions, my mind feels like it's reeling like a drunkard after a nightlong binge after a month's abstinence, and my soul feels like it's cut down the middle and torn to shreds.

And I can't even give up on Her at all, in any way.

The only positive thing about this is that I'm not a wreck like last year and that I don't have tons of people who call up to abuse me and blame me completely for the break-up.

The small circle of friends that I have now are very supportive and ring me up to check on how I'm doing and advise/counsel me. Some of them can't believe that this is happening and have said things about her, though they may be true, that have me immediately jumping to her defense.

I can't help it.

I'm still very much in love with Her and I can't stop.

And the world is not helping with the constant reminders of Her EVERYWHERE that I go with almost EVERYTHING that I do. And it's so bittersweet since it brings a smile to my face at the memories but a sadness to my eyes that drives down all the way to my soul.

And my friends can see it.

I'm allowed to grieve. I'm allowed to feel hurt.

But I shouldn't have to be going through this AGAIN.

Especially not after 18 months of love, drama and challenges. Not after all the other things in my past.

I am NOT better off with someone else. I may come out of this stronger and better as a person, but it makes NO difference in the end.

Why?

Because who will be there to share in the joy and pride of succeeding at the end of it?

At the end of it all, we're alone. But the journey to that end should be with someone at your side.

I've lost Her... and IT HURTS LIKE HELL.

NELL, MY DARLING PURPLE LADY, I STILL LOVE YOU.
^{And always will.}

But can someone please stop the pain?

Please?