>>> Once again...

... it's over for me.

For us, at an end, of sorts.

The hell.

I'm sitting outside my home, watching the rain fall to the ground in a cleansing sweep. The weather turns my thoughts to her, even when she's all that consumes my mind in the first place.

Sad, neh?

Break-ups royally suck. To the core.

Once again, I'm left eating dirt, finding myself on the ground along that twisted path that is my life with the taste of ash on my tongue.

All that is left to me right now is pain, yet I feel hollow, empty and drained.

And, yet, I still love her. However that over-pouring love has nowhere to go, no channel to run down. So, it's metamorphosized into even more pain, hurt, anguish and torment. It truly feels like my already scarred heart has been ripped from my chest and torn to ribbons.

And, what does everyone say?

Give it time.

Oh, yeah, give it time. SURE. Aren't I already trying to even though it's driving me completely and utterly around the bend? I'm cut off... from a lot of things, her especially.

So, what do I do if the worst comes to pass?

Oh, I don't know, I'm apparently expected to move on. Pick myself up, dust myself off and keep moving forward. But to what bloody end? I'm sick and tired of going through the same cycle, of being left behind again and again, of having to carry on even if I'm not "okay".

Feh.

The whole point is that I'm, sadly, the person that needs a reason greater than myself to actually do anything. She was that reason. And, now, she's gone and the blame is laid at my feet, righteously enough.

To me, anything achieved or accomplished in life is hollow without a special someone to share the joy of success with. Sure, I have friends and family to share it with but it isn't the same. You won't wake up to your friends' faces or lay in bed next to them. When you go home, it won't be to them. Even your own family won't be there forever. Parents die in time and siblings move on with their own lives.

At the end of the day, you're on your own, pointblank.

Unless, you have that special someone.

And I need that.

Too bad for me, eh?

Yes, I know that I screwed up, that I made mistakes.

I'm paying the price for those mistakes now. Not even hearing her voice is punishment enough, thank you very much. But doesn't everyone deserve another chance? Especially when they realize how screwed up everything had been and how they messed up??

Love for each other should be enough of a reason to take a chance, a risk even. Otherwise, what's the point of living? But, no, it feels like she's running away.

She has her reasons, regardless of whether they make sense to me or not.

However, not standing and fighting is just sad because the problems and troubles are still here when one comes back.

But that's not here to bitch and whine, so leave all that aside.

IF she truly cuts me out of her life, like some form of cancer, then the last six months have been absolutely meaningless, pointless and worthless. Whatever words were said, whatever deeds were done, become moot and near lies.

And I'm expected to accept all this and move on.

I'm not doing that. Forget it. How can I even do that? It's just not possible, not even for one nanosecond.

I cannot reassure her, I cannot say anything to change her mind since she always makes up her mind before she says anything and trying to change that is like trying to move a mountain with a bent spoon. But I did promise, swear and vow that if it ever does come to pass that we get back together, everything would be different.

Yes, I had my issues, but they were caused by circumstance and situation. I'm not making excuses, but I have been in a very bad and dark place for the last few months, which caused me to become out of control. I accept the responsibility for all that and more. My issues are being dealt with, being put back into whatever dark pit they crawled and slithered out of, to be left there till the end of all time.

So, worst case scenario is that I'm left out in the cold, alone and dead inside.

No more.

If not her, than no one at all.

I can't go through something like this again. I've had it with having my heart ripped out and stomped on, being ground into so much bloody paste.

If things are difficult for her, imagine how hard it is for ME. I feel like I've been thrown back to Square Zero by this whole situation, which feels so blown out of proportion and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

There has to be a chance for reconciliation.

All things come to an end, yes, but don't you think that a sequel should be scheduled, another chance taken?

I can't lose her, that's the honest truth, and yet I already have.

Royally sucks.

I'm done.

Can't go on.

Truly.

Done.