The military and my company has not paid me yet so I'm royally broke. I have a grand total of four dollars in the bank and 85 goddamn cents in my pocket. SO, financial stress and woes has decided to run me through with its cruel blade, transfixing my noggin in a royal headache.
But that could be the lack of sleep stabbing needles into my cranium.
Or both.
Cripes.
And then there's the situation at home with everyone's tempers fraying and frustration plus stress mounting as we get closer and closer to the moving date with no help or relief in sight. Which royally kills everything, even the urge to come home. *frowns*
And yet, above all this, the fact that a single young lady (ie. Maple) is not speaking to me in anyway is bothering me more than any of this. Even if I don't have my priorities right, it's still a matter of did I do or say something, or was she spooked? I don't know, honestly at a loss. *sighs* My neighbours, who're counsellors, think that I'm infatuated with Maple and I'm not inclined to disagree. It makes sense, if you stop and think about it. Why else would I be so bothered if she stopped talking to me, ey? *shrugs*
Bad mistake, then.
Perhaps.
However, I really do miss speaking with her, the long conversations and discussions. And she made think, like really think, exercising the grey matter, as it were. *looks skywards* Mister Gee, help a fella out, I need some really good luck here, please?
And to make it feel even stranger, one of the exes starts texting me again. Not that I mind, you understand. It's just that, well, she doesn't talk to me much, if at all, and then suddenly it's pop-goes-the-weasel-out-of-the-blue-jack-in-the-box. Like woah! It's nice, but then again...
It sometimes feel like a conspiracy to make me [or you, if you've ever gone through this yourself] lose our collective minds.
Well, gotta go, this crazy rollercoaster called Life™ never ends.
I'll catch y'all later on the upswing!
... of a damn cigarette.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
>>> When you get mad...
Figuratively speaking, obviously.
Though the thought of literally letting go is kind of tempting, in a twisted, oblivion-would-be-better kind of way.
*sigh*
I am not a weak person, but I cannot stand being continuously worn down by almost everything around me, especially by the parentals. The constant put-downs, belittling speech, sarcastic jokes, the yelling matches, they're all grinding my gears down to so much dust. Eventually I probably won't be able to move from sheer catatonia. I think that they need counselling even more than I do.
My mother seems to believe that I have wasted my life for nothing and that I should've been working for all powerful, ever so great government. Feh. Like they would hire me. I've been rejected so many times, and I really don't need to relive the failure and bitterness of not being hired by telling my mom, who doesn't realize that she would take a a bloody nice potshot at me in the form of a lecture about how much I have screwed up my life, if I told her.
I don't see why I should have to tell her anything at all, in the first place. I don't want to be set-up in a frame for getting voice-blasted to death.
YEESH.
I'm guilty of a great many sins, I'll be the first to admit, but I really, really do not deserve the treatment that I'm receiving from some people, some of whom are supposed to be my friends.
If you don't want to hang with or even talk to me, go ahead and bloody tell me. Hell, if you don't even want me in your life, say so. Be straight with me, even if it hurts, 'coz I'm straight with all of you. I don't deserve nor like to be bloody patronized; don't be nice to me for the sake of being nice, it's so damn hypocritical.
Furthermore, I'm not some plaything that you can pick up, use and then toss aside when you don't have a use for it anymore. I have feelings, too, and I don't take to being used & abused very easily. *glowers*
If you can't tolerate my presence for more than a few minutes, or want to pretend like I don't exist and ignore my sorry ass, go ahead and be my fucking guest. But have the gorram decency to TELL ME first, so I can get out of your fucking way. I don't care if it hurts, you just fucking tell me and I'll be gone. 'Coz that would be a helluva lot better than putting me through the grinder of cold shoulders and indifference that I seemed to be getting showered with right about now. Alright?
'Coz if you don't need or want me, I sure as hell can get along fine without you. Because, that's not even a friendship, it's like a sick game you play with a lost puppy. And I'm no lost puppy, thank you very much. Human being, with feelings, standing over here, hello!?
And I'm a Libran. For those who don't know, one of our great failings is that we don't like not getting along with everyone we meet [and we'd prefer it if everyone likes us, too]. We believe in compromise, balance and harmony, which probably drives us to insanity in trying to achieve.
So, I would rather get along with some people and have them truly like me for who I am, then to be patronized and toyed with. I've lived a bit and I've learnt that I don't need everyone around me to like me. Hell, I don't need that many people around me, either.
SO, you lot just have to say when and leave or stay as you want & wish.
That's all, honestly.
Thank you.
... it may just be time to let go.
Though the thought of literally letting go is kind of tempting, in a twisted, oblivion-would-be-better kind of way.
*sigh*
I am not a weak person, but I cannot stand being continuously worn down by almost everything around me, especially by the parentals. The constant put-downs, belittling speech, sarcastic jokes, the yelling matches, they're all grinding my gears down to so much dust. Eventually I probably won't be able to move from sheer catatonia. I think that they need counselling even more than I do.
My mother seems to believe that I have wasted my life for nothing and that I should've been working for all powerful, ever so great government. Feh. Like they would hire me. I've been rejected so many times, and I really don't need to relive the failure and bitterness of not being hired by telling my mom, who doesn't realize that she would take a a bloody nice potshot at me in the form of a lecture about how much I have screwed up my life, if I told her.
I don't see why I should have to tell her anything at all, in the first place. I don't want to be set-up in a frame for getting voice-blasted to death.
YEESH.
I'm guilty of a great many sins, I'll be the first to admit, but I really, really do not deserve the treatment that I'm receiving from some people, some of whom are supposed to be my friends.
If you don't want to hang with or even talk to me, go ahead and bloody tell me. Hell, if you don't even want me in your life, say so. Be straight with me, even if it hurts, 'coz I'm straight with all of you. I don't deserve nor like to be bloody patronized; don't be nice to me for the sake of being nice, it's so damn hypocritical.
Furthermore, I'm not some plaything that you can pick up, use and then toss aside when you don't have a use for it anymore. I have feelings, too, and I don't take to being used & abused very easily. *glowers*
If you can't tolerate my presence for more than a few minutes, or want to pretend like I don't exist and ignore my sorry ass, go ahead and be my fucking guest. But have the gorram decency to TELL ME first, so I can get out of your fucking way. I don't care if it hurts, you just fucking tell me and I'll be gone. 'Coz that would be a helluva lot better than putting me through the grinder of cold shoulders and indifference that I seemed to be getting showered with right about now. Alright?
'Coz if you don't need or want me, I sure as hell can get along fine without you. Because, that's not even a friendship, it's like a sick game you play with a lost puppy. And I'm no lost puppy, thank you very much. Human being, with feelings, standing over here, hello!?
And I'm a Libran. For those who don't know, one of our great failings is that we don't like not getting along with everyone we meet [and we'd prefer it if everyone likes us, too]. We believe in compromise, balance and harmony, which probably drives us to insanity in trying to achieve.
So, I would rather get along with some people and have them truly like me for who I am, then to be patronized and toyed with. I've lived a bit and I've learnt that I don't need everyone around me to like me. Hell, I don't need that many people around me, either.
SO, you lot just have to say when and leave or stay as you want & wish.
That's all, honestly.
Thank you.
... it may just be time to let go.
>>> Ghostly sounds...
Play both of these together, they complement each other in a rather strange way, it's just so [damn] beautiful.
And if anyone can, could you please mix both these songs together into a single track?
Thanks!
Peace.
... haunt my mind.
Friday, March 25, 2011
>>> Matters of the heart...
It's 4 in the morning and I'm still not asleep. Just read through about five years worth of Red String comic pages as it was a really riveting read. If you're into slice-of-life romantic-type mangas, you should definitely check it out. And it's FREE.
And reading it made me realize that sometimes, no matter how much you may love a person or if a part of you still loves someone, your heart has the capacity for so much more. So much so, it may seem that the heart is such a fickle thing.
Having to move on bites. It does, I won't lie to you. The memories will always be there, the love will always remain, the affection and everything else lingers on in your bloodstream, and it will always follow you. Sometimes it's a matter of acceptance, often times of time & healing. But you may sometimes feel guilt and treasonous when your heart turns to another, like you're betraying the love that you have for that one from past.
I'm not sure if it's momentary, I'm not sure if it's rare, but I do know that it does happen.
You'll eventually come to terms with the feelings rolling around inside and may even find someone who understands you... or someone who will give you what you need. The love, affection, support and dependability that you deserve, like you give unconditionally in the first place.
The only thing one can do in the meantime is take things slow and try to keep your head up above the waves.
And perhaps pray for a miracle of some kind.
*laughs softly*
Love is a miracle all by itself.
I wish you all much happiness.
And I pray for all of us.
Peace.
... are ever so complicated.
And reading it made me realize that sometimes, no matter how much you may love a person or if a part of you still loves someone, your heart has the capacity for so much more. So much so, it may seem that the heart is such a fickle thing.
Having to move on bites. It does, I won't lie to you. The memories will always be there, the love will always remain, the affection and everything else lingers on in your bloodstream, and it will always follow you. Sometimes it's a matter of acceptance, often times of time & healing. But you may sometimes feel guilt and treasonous when your heart turns to another, like you're betraying the love that you have for that one from past.
I'm not sure if it's momentary, I'm not sure if it's rare, but I do know that it does happen.
You'll eventually come to terms with the feelings rolling around inside and may even find someone who understands you... or someone who will give you what you need. The love, affection, support and dependability that you deserve, like you give unconditionally in the first place.
The only thing one can do in the meantime is take things slow and try to keep your head up above the waves.
And perhaps pray for a miracle of some kind.
*laughs softly*
Love is a miracle all by itself.
I wish you all much happiness.
And I pray for all of us.
Peace.
... are ever so complicated.
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