>>> Them sounds...

Fuck this.

What's the meaning behind that statement?

Does it have to mean anything other than "fuck this"?

Something gets in the way of your desired path, what do you do?

Do you stand there staring at the obstacle thinking, "Why me?"? Or do you go, "Fuck this", and get that bloody obstacle out of your fucking way?

Only one person can decide what course of action is right for you, and that person is you.

There is no mountain that cannot be climbed.
There is no ocean that cannot be crossed.
There is no opponent that cannot be defeated.
Get in my way, and it will end badly for you.

by Pervalidus

... like fightin' words, son.

>>> How to survive...

Death.

There are worse things than death.

Indeed, it is true, if cliché, what some villains of the silver screen say, that there are worse things than death.

In so saying, there is also something else that can be said about these "things" that are worse than death:

You'll be surprised what you can live through.

It's true.

After all, one of the things that can be worse than death is heartbreak. It can bring you to the brink, leaving you hanging by a nail, maybe a thread of sinew, and you'd wonder what would it be like to just let go. Sometimes, in some cases, it's like a near-death experience. Or even comparable to a first brush with death.

Some would say that heartbreak is a death of sorts. The death of a love, even. Someone once told me that it felt like his heart was literally shriveling up and dying by the yard. I can't say that I felt that way, but, personally, it's always left me feeling empty inside, like something tore my heart out and poured cold, nebulous vacuum from space into my chest cavity.

But at the end of it all, you're still pretty much stuck in place with the thoughts of the women you've loved waltzing through your mind with alarmingly frequency.

And, then, horrifyingly, perhaps you realize that there's only space in your heart for one but you know that it'll never happen but you can't quite let go, so, it's a I'm-sorry-that-room-isn't-for-rent-or-sale-can't-have-it-thanks-have-a-nice-life-bye kinda thing if any other women end up entering your life. Or it'll end up coloring your future relationships in stark shades, in a horrid contrast to your past. Which might be even more horrifying.

Plus, Fate may keep throwing you curveballs by setting up happenstance run-ins with at least one of them in places that you least expect, with random phone-calls and text messages out of the blue from the far side of the moon. But you'll be nice, even when everything inside of you screams bloody murder while being thrown through and shredded by the industrial meat grinder that are your emotions and metaphorical heart.

And you don't know whether you want something more or less from that person. You can't decide whether you want that person to disappear from your life for-freaking-ever or to always have them there. And there's no real middle ground.

You just can't make up your mind at all which will send your mind into a vortex of frustration, angst, pain and sorrow, with perhaps a little sorrow thrown in for good measure, which it may or may not exit in one functioning piece.

But you'll survive, you'll get over it soon enough.

Even if you feel somewhat lobotomized by the whole chained series of events.

After two failed relationships in under a year and the 'death' of something before it even began, it makes me wonder how on earth do you ever get over such an event, let alone a chain of them? And how long does it take before you feel "back to normal"? What kind of closure is required for the chapter to be ended, to reach le fin?

I have no clue.

None what-so-ever.

And, yes, I'm still on this trip, this godforsaken path to somewhere that's hopefully not here. No, I'm not completely A-OK, even after such a long period of time. I can't keep up the facade of being alright and functioning with everyone, sorry.

My closest friends know how I really feel and have been feeling over the past year. It has been a constant source of frustration for me and of some irritation to my familia, my extended family of friends.

Does that make me a hypocrite? For keeping up a mask and appearances around most people, but dropping it with the closest people to myself?

Probably.

Not that I care about that. Much.

It's hard to be okay, I guess. The pain is still there, hiding in shadowy corners, being vague and then incredibly sharp. And, yet, there is that contradictory feeling of happiness and pride when speaking about either of my somewhat recent two exes, the stories of, what were to me, very important and interesting memories, that war with the after-recital feelings of nostalgic sadness and incompleteness.

And, perhaps, it's even harder to "get over it" since it can't quite reconcile with my hardwired [romantic] belief that, regardless of what happens, a part of one's self will always love them.

Perhaps it's a lesson or even a test. Or even one gigantic joke woven by the Fates.

Who the hell knows?

And we've already established that I certainly don't.

So, I try to distract myself.

Bury myself in any kind of work. Lose a job. Hang out with my friends as much as possible. Throw myself into projects that may or may not see fruition. Look for a new vocation. Smoke. Go to new places, try new things. Read webcomics and online stories of any kind. Read more books. Look at girls, random and known. Maybe unknowingly flirt if they stop to give me the time of day. Skate. Buy stuff online. Stumble across porn and watch for less than five minutes before realizing that my mind has better ideas about sex. Think. Get tattooed. Compose lyrics and poetry. Make crazy plans for the future that may never happen. Go for counselling to beat and break the steel of negativity that binds and constricts me. Smoke helluva lot more. Eat over irregular periods. Go out late with no real agenda. Play silly Facebook games. Skate more. Get physically hurt while skating. Smoke a little more to ease the pain on a psychological level. Sleep late and get kicked out of bed for no real reason. Lie to the rest of the world that I'm okay when I'm not. Hit a club. Dance. Get wasted. Smoke even more. Draw. Sketch. Write. Blog. Sleep. Dream.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

Until either I break or I get through and over.

Even while claiming to the world that I'm over it all.

So, yes, there is something worse than death.

Bitches, please. Y'all survive. Maybe live even.

I'm right here and I know.

Right now, I barely EXIST.

But, somehow...

... I'll survive.

We all will.

Somehow.

... a car wreck of a heart, after the fact.

>>>Ridiculous...

But it's close enough.

So, the whole weekend has been rather on the downside.

Why?

First off, I've been given notice that I have a month to find another job. The reasons behind it really baffle me, but it's kind of a small blessing since I've been getting rather frustrated working here. It's not a bad place to work, but some things are seriously out of whack.

Second off the bat, the lady who I've been enjoying conversing with, and whose company is quite amazing, has completely ceased contact with me. Which sucks to the utmost maximum possible and beyond since there was not even an indication of it coming. And no reason, so I have no idea what I did wrong. It hurts and I have no idea why.

And to rub salt into it all (don't ask me why it feels like that, I can't figure it out so it just does), i find the aforementioned lady and my ex in the same set of photographs due to the fact they share a mutual friend (the same mutual friend who introduced me to her in the first place) who had her birthday celebration over the weekend which they both attended. Eff-Em-Ell.

*sighs deeply*

Lastly, and this is the strike-out, I'm tired beyond all belief. I have no idea why. *flat look* I blame a recent Friday night, a wedding on Saturday and sheer insanity over the weekend. Feh.

I'm grateful for my homies, I truly am. If not for you lot, I would've lost my mind ages upon ages ago.

So, to my peeps like Pervalidus, Naffa, Marshmello, Flalicious, Ting-Ting, Kimmy-Kat, Babe Ruth, Babe Lin, Fiq-V, Core, Libre, Mister X and all the rest who aren't listed here for you know who you are.

Misery is a travesty that keeps on being visited upon me.

This blows.

Majorly.

Fuck.

... is not exactly the word that I'd use.

>>> When you get mad...

Figuratively speaking, obviously.

Though the thought of literally letting go is kind of tempting, in a twisted, oblivion-would-be-better kind of way.

*sigh*

I am not a weak person, but I cannot stand being continuously worn down by almost everything around me, especially by the parentals. The constant put-downs, belittling speech, sarcastic jokes, the yelling matches, they're all grinding my gears down to so much dust. Eventually I probably won't be able to move from sheer catatonia. I think that they need counselling even more than I do.

My mother seems to believe that I have wasted my life for nothing and that I should've been working for all powerful, ever so great government. Feh. Like they would hire me. I've been rejected so many times, and I really don't need to relive the failure and bitterness of not being hired by telling my mom, who doesn't realize that she would take a a bloody nice potshot at me in the form of a lecture about how much I have screwed up my life, if I told her.

I don't see why I should have to tell her anything at all, in the first place. I don't want to be set-up in a frame for getting voice-blasted to death.

YEESH.

I'm guilty of a great many sins, I'll be the first to admit, but I really, really do not deserve the treatment that I'm receiving from some people, some of whom are supposed to be my friends.

If you don't want to hang with or even talk to me, go ahead and bloody tell me. Hell, if you don't even want me in your life, say so. Be straight with me, even if it hurts, 'coz I'm straight with all of you. I don't deserve nor like to be bloody patronized; don't be nice to me for the sake of being nice, it's so damn hypocritical.

Furthermore, I'm not some plaything that you can pick up, use and then toss aside when you don't have a use for it anymore. I have feelings, too, and I don't take to being used & abused very easily. *glowers*

If you can't tolerate my presence for more than a few minutes, or want to pretend like I don't exist and ignore my sorry ass, go ahead and be my fucking guest. But have the gorram decency to TELL ME first, so I can get out of your fucking way. I don't care if it hurts, you just fucking tell me and I'll be gone. 'Coz that would be a helluva lot better than putting me through the grinder of cold shoulders and indifference that I seemed to be getting showered with right about now. Alright?

'Coz if you don't need or want me, I sure as hell can get along fine without you. Because, that's not even a friendship, it's like a sick game you play with a lost puppy. And I'm no lost puppy, thank you very much. Human being, with feelings, standing over here, hello!?

And I'm a Libran. For those who don't know, one of our great failings is that we don't like not getting along with everyone we meet [and we'd prefer it if everyone likes us, too]. We believe in compromise, balance and harmony, which probably drives us to insanity in trying to achieve.

So, I would rather get along with some people and have them truly like me for who I am, then to be patronized and toyed with. I've lived a bit and I've learnt that I don't need everyone around me to like me. Hell, I don't need that many people around me, either.

SO, you lot just have to say when and leave or stay as you want & wish.

That's all, honestly.

Thank you.

... it may just be time to let go.

>>> The sun rises in the east...

It's hard not to want to head out to Japan and volunteer to help. Especially when a friend or two are in Japan and there is so much information pouring out of the region that it's a near overload and seemingly almost vague.

But then again, I've been pretty known to want to help people, so it may just be in my nature to want to volunteer and, basically, help.

That being said, anyone know where I sign up to volunteer and whatnot?

*awkward silence*

^{Carrying on...}

And I really cannot believe the absolute shite that is coming out of people from so many places over "crimes and atrocities committed by Japan" from over half a century ago!

I mean, seriously, what is wrong with you lot!?

The PEOPLE responsible for all of that are long gone and so much dust. You cannot hold an entire nation responsible for the actions of a few, especially from over 60 years ago! Because if that's the case, we should be making Germany suffer for everything they did during the Second World War and through the Cold War, for fuck's sake.

So, what if their military during World War II bombed the living bejeezus out of Pearl Harbour? They struck mostly military targets.

And even with all the vileness that the Japanese Imperial Army perpetrated during their Occupation, you don't see many of us Asians saying that they deserve it for their "past crimes".

For Christ's sake, the Yanks dropped not one but TWO atomic bombs on civilian-filled cities. AND then crippled them economically with the peace treaties. That outdoes what happened at Pearl Harbour and more than makes up for it. Many Japanese feel shame for it enough as it is.

BOTTOM LINE: The Japanese are PEOPLE and deserve our sympathies. I really do not think that they were celebrating and all "thats-what-you-deserve" when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and its surrounds, do you? Maybe the Taliban were in their caves, but I higly doubt that the Japanese were celebrating in their homes.

GIVE 'EM A BREAK AND SHARE YOUR HEARTS, PEOPLE.

Do something to make a difference.

GO!

... and prayers & hearts go out to Japan in their time of crisis.

>>> Like an imminent explosion...

Waking up to the feeling of wanting to be curled up in a foetal position and dying under a rock is not fun.

At all.

Seriously.

And then to feel like something was trying to explode out of my chest wasn't funny in the least. Suffice to say that getting out of bed today was a supreme effort in of itself.

I need a stiff drink, these feelings of frustration and misery, I can't shake them. So, perhaps drowning them would be better. In vodka. Or b33r. How I wish that I was in Sydney now... Away from this place, with so many memories that sting and hurt yet I have to bear with a rictus grin.

*sighs deeply*

How is it even possible to still be in love with a woman who broke up with you ages upon ages ago? To still have her constantly on your mind? To feel like you're empty without her, to hate the thought of her being with someone else? Especially if it's someone whom you might know?
[Trust me, it's happened that way for most of my exes, they'll end up with someone I know 3 times out of five]
^{Postscript: For the ladies and others, just bend the genders to accomodate your leanings.}
*shakes head violently*

I don't know whether it would be acceptable to tell her the thoughts in my head. AND even if it was, when and how would I tell her??

Frustrating.

And the one thing in this whole bundle of joyous messiness that makes sense is this:

"Sometimes, even though you're [still] in love with someone, you just have to settle for second best by being just friends."

Grieve and let live.

And try to not let it devour you from the inside out.

... keeping calm like a bomb.

>>> Doesn't matter...

... if you don't say it outright.

I can hear it in your tone and the things you say. The way you compare me to everyone else around us. In the way you treat all others differently.

I'm not in the same situation as everyone else. In fact, I'm NOT everyone else, I'm ME. I'm DIFFERENT. But, no, you still treat the whole thing as if I had the most normal lifestyle and upbringing in the world, like I had the same path as everyone else.

Ha!

Like REAL.

I'm so disconnected from people that I don't belong to ANY group, I just flit from group to group like I don't tangibly exist, even IF I do happen to like entertaining people. SO, I have to be alone at the end of the day with no one to turn to. But, guess what? I don't like being alone. In fact, I hate it. But would you understand? Oh, no, you wouldn't!

That would be such weakness to you, wouldn't it. Like how I'm weak all over, a failure and a disappointment, with my multitude of flaws, phobias, allergies and whatnot.

Unlike the other two, who are such bright stars in your eyes, perfect in every way.

Joy, joy, bully for them.

It doesn't matter what I do or say or anything, I'll never amount to anything in your eyes.

You don't even think that I'll get a place in any of the Unis that I'm applying for, do you? You probably even think that it's a waste of time helping me with anything 'coz I don't do anything for you. That everything that I do is a right that you possess and expect from me. So, I have no rights; I'm not a being who's entitled to his feelings, negative or otherwise. And who is to [or can] be blamed for everything that doesn't go right.

I'm always wrong, you're always right.

After all, I'm such a failure.

Aren't I?

>>> Running on empty...

... with barely any fumes in the tanks.

I'm feeling hollow and empty.

Possibly dead-eyed as well.

And I'm missing three hours of my life from yesterday. If anyone can fill me in on what I did and/or said, where I went and any other details from the time period of roughly 1600h till 1900h [on the 18th of Jan], please let me know, please.

The last thing I remember clearly is Brighteyes breaking up with me. That explains the hollow-and-empty thing, doesn't it?

It hurts, as it always does. And I'm left with this song in my head; and her favourite song breaks my heart everytime I hear it.

Anberlin - Inevitable

Something Corporate - Konstantine

You kinda see it coming though, but even then it still manages to kick you in the gut. Your insides seem to shrivel up and fade away, so you feel like you're floating and everything is just so surreal.

God alone knows how she's feeling about it and dealing with it.

I really do hope that she's alright.

Honestly, I do! Why is that so hard to believe!?

Anyways, it's like Mike V said, and Wen quoted, I guess that I just gotta STAND STRONG. I just might get that phrase tattooed in Aurebesh. On my left arm, just below the Eye of Ra that I have on my wrist.

Yes, I'm still a g33k.

Albeit, a heart-broken one.

And it does seem that I always want to get a tatt after major upheavals in my life. Go figure, huh?

Oh, well...

... laters, peeps.

^{*slinks away into the shadows*}

>>> I am...

... Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot.

I have been taught, once again by cruel fate, to not open my mouth about my time and service in the military. Who would believe the things that I've seen and done?

At any point in my life, for that matter?

So, whatever it is, I'll just keep "mum" about my military service as well as my high school life antics. I'll just keep the mundane bits so the rest of you won't get jealous and be in disbelief... and it'll stop all of you from saying "He's so full of shit" or the like behind my back.

Also, I do not see any reason why I should tell anyone exactly why I'm undergoing counselling unless I really want to. It's confidential, isn't it? Your counsellor isn't going to tell anyone else about it - unless s/he has to hand over your case to another counsellor - so why should I have to tell anyone else? Sorry, parentals, I don't have to tell either of you the reasons nor anything else regarding it.

Thanks.

Life and fate are cruel teachers, but live, learn and survive.

>>> Past, present...

... and future tense.

I miss my past.

My present is passing by with rarely a gift.

It's all fifty-fifty with the future... It's a tense thing, kinda touch-and-go, but it'll take care of itself, won't it.

Past, present or future... it just takes faith and gumption. And a little chance.

I'll leave you with what's currently playing from my iTunes, only with VISUALS. *grins*

Merry Christmas in advance!

>>> Mom warned me...

... that there might be days like this.

Well, I feel like shooting myself in the cranium, to splatter the whatever's left of my non-existent brains across the walls of joy this Christmas season.

Why, you may ask?

Suffice to say that I've been given a last warning and it's quite the wake-up call. I blame no one except myself. Just have to tighten my belt, lace up tighter and buck the hell up.

I will survive whatever the world throws at me, not because I have a choice but due to there being not much else of a choice, for that's the only way I'm going to be able to live.

I would give pretty much anything to be back in school. CHRIST, I would kill to get into one. Or even give up my left nut! Dear God, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, please help me out here. PLEASE!

Like throw a dog a bone here, seriously, enough with the curveballs!!

Anyways, I'm sitting in the nice red rug in my room after a really LONG day and I'm depressed. Like, positively lousy. Funny, how the older one gets, the more one regrets... or the lousier one feels when one realizes that one's not much different from the heaving, trudging grey masses.

There are very few good things in my life at the moment and I should be thankful. Next year, SHOELACE MAFIA will be registered as a company and the brand will be, hopefully, trademarked and registered as well. Then it's just the funds that will need tackling.

I am absolutely grateful for my friends, though there are days when I feel so alone, it's just not funny.

*sigh*

I think that I'm just worn out. And if I sit here any longer - with my brain stewing in the negative juices of my mood's production - I will probably feel a lot worse.

Laters.

Peace.

>>> Trudging through the...

... endless wastes of Limbo. Or should that be Purgatory? Heh. 'Tever.

Today, someone asked me what is happiness. To be exact, what is my temporal happiness.

Now, how the hell do you answer something like that? It's quite a spot to be in, to be honest. My mind just went blank; I really couldn't think of anything as a reply.

But thinking about it on the way home, I've realized that I've been so busy trying to get my feet planted back on the ground that I've forgotten what I've been chasing all this while; what will make me HAPPY.

You know how we all have goals and objectives in life that we try to reach? Well, piece of advice, mate, don't ever lose sight of it. And figure out a way to achieve it; won't be easy, but nothing ever is.

Though right about now, I could really use a break. *looks skywards* You readin' me?

*sighs*

All I want in life, honestly, is to be able to create art, share it with others and, if I'm really lucky, teach & inspire as well. Well, not all, I suppose. I would like to be loved for who I am, without reservation nor hidden motives & agendas.

But apparently, that's too much to ask, isn't it. *scowls* Just too much, right?

FEH.

Money is just the means towards an end. Or ends, if the case calls for it. But, in trying to clear myself of certain shackles, I've forgotten everything in my neverending chase for cash and financial independence. *sad sigh*

I am TIRED. I am honestly fed up of having to deal with people and other things that, some-bloody-how, always involves me having to give up my bloody happiness/comfort/whatever to accommodate these others. How about someone give up their bit for me, huh? FOR FUCKING ONCE!?

Oh, but then again, I let people walk all over me. All the time. SO, therefore, it must be my own damn fault.

Probably.

After all, I'm my own worst enemy. Right?

RIGHT.

Ergo, my own fault for letting all the crap happen to me.

I've realised that I've turned this from a contemplative passage on happiness to a bitter rant. FUCK. I'm just too tired, too frustrated and too bitter.

I'M SORRY.

You lot have a nice December ahead. I wish I could hibernate and not wake up at all.

'Night.

_{EDIT: This is NOT directed at nor specifically targeting anyone in particular.}

>>> A long weekend...

... lies ahead of me.

Lots to do, so little time. But there's no denying that I have an awesome job!

Even if someone has managed to steel a Sector 9 Carbon TR3 (red) carbon fiber longboard from the store's display shelves in Scape on Wednesday. *grimaces* Of all the stupid things to happen, that kind of thing has to happen.

FUCK.

So, since my parents are apparently MENTAL, the house is going to be pulled out from under my feet, and my money keeps going missing in the house plus some of my momney has disappeared from the bank... well, let's just say that being frustrated is an understatement.

And scratch the apparently bit about my parents. They are mental.

Oh. My. Freaking. God.

I just wanted to sleep. Is that too much to ask for???

Apparently, yes. -___-

>>> Reaching the limit...

... and wanting to break free.

I want out.

Out of my home.

I'd rather rent a small place with some friends than have to live here with all these people constantly throwing my flaws in my face. And blaming me for everything that goes wrong.

Even if something bad happens to me, instantly it's my fault. Oh, joy.

Even when I'm the victim, I'm the one at fault.

FUCK.

I hate this place. I'm no longer safe. I'm not comfortable. I hate having to leave my room when I'm home. I hate it here.

I. Want. To. Leave.

STAT!

*screams*

>>> Parental advisory ...

... they will drive you MAD.

I realize that I have come very close to hating my immediate family. And it probably stems from deep seated resentment of my middle brother and, through him, my parents. Or maybe even without him, I'd still resent my parents. *shrug* The point is that I resent almost the whole lot of them. There is no free conversation in this household, no one tells anyone what's happening in their lives unless they get something out of it, in a personal way. Or unless they want to gloat or boast or show-off.

No one even expresses their love for the others, in any way. My own mother can get annoyed or find it so weird when I hug her.

My parents have no faith in me. But I'm expected to perform all the duties of an eldest son and brother, but for no reward or anything for myself. There is no respect, my dignity is stripped constantly, even when my friends are here. They give no "face" and they offer no peace. Everything is some umbrage to be taken up against me, something that I did wrong, that I'm too stupid to have known, etcetera, etcetera.

But I'm expected to function like a cog in their oh-so wonderful system.

Maybe I'm just a cog, and not human anymore... after all, my feelings are never considered within these walls. My mother especially constantly nitpick and drags up the past, often rubbing it my face that I'm a failure compared to my brothers and that my talents will never bring me money since they're "unmarketable". Just the best kind of things to hear from your own parents, right? *sarcastic venom drips down and burns holes in the floor* Such bloody wonderful things. And the sins of the parents will be carried on in their get... so I unknowingly put a bunch of people through what my parents do, with dragging up the past and being such a nitpicker. FUCK.

So can I really be blamed for wanting to stay away from them? For not wanting to help them?? For not wanting to be staying with them any longer???

But I have nowhere else to go, at all. Not without being a burden to anyone.

And the one person who... nevermind, suffice to say, I feel abandoned. Tossed aside like so much trash. She obviously doesn't care, right?

And I'm expected to not have issues. Oh, gee, really. Who the fuck has faith in me? Not my family... or you could say that they have faith in the fact that I will screw up in the end, as always. Thanks, mom! Thanks, dad!

FUCK.

FUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!

TWENTY-EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AND YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN BLOODY SON. WELL FUCKING DONE, MY WONDERFUL PARENTS.

Hope you're proud of the screw-up you have for a son.

Oh, wait, I forgot, you're NOT. Don't know whether you ever have been and probably never will be. BRILLIANT.

Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant.

*kicks an imaginary can down the field*

Just brilliant.

>>> Roiling and fuming...

... and it doesn't seem to end.

SO.

I'm really starting to wonder exactly how many people think that I'm a loser and a complete utter failure.

So far, that would be my ex-girlfriend [Purple] who broke up with a coupla months ago, my wonderful bloody parents who keep harping about my failures and past, my brothers who seem to think that i can't do anything right and some person who doesn't have the guts to stand up to me in the flesh and tell me that... that would make six so far, that I know of.

Always the same bloody things from the parentals. I really can't take this anymore. I want to leave but I have no money to do so. And even if I did, I have nowhere to go.

I need a bloody job, preferably in an office. I can no longer do this service line crap, especially in the F&B sector. It's nothing but exploitative and bloody fucking tiring. I'm fed-up.

Royall, bloody well, completely, utterly, totally and wholly fucking FED UP!!!

I want something worthy of me, my education, skills and talents.

What I have to go through now is complete BULLSHIT. I hate this country and its exploitative ways, with no minimum wage, no proper welfare, lack of common courtesy and general decency, its inane don't-get-involved-not-my-problem mindset and ability to bend the rules for its own benefit.

FUCK.

Can't even get a break or a foot in any door. SO FUCKING IRRITATING.

And I have to put up everyone in this bloody house breathing down my neck and looking down their fat, chubby noses at me, like I'm an insect or some servile fool.

My ex?

Don't know what she's playing at. Being discarded by her with the whole "I don't love you anymore" was one of the most hurtful things that I've ever had to go through and I'm still reeling from it, trying to recover. And she probably has no idea how worthless and how much of a loser she's made me feel like.

And I sure as hell don't like hearing that she's not worth me and that she doesn't deserve me, blah-blah-blah, 'coz that makes me feel even more of a loser since it's like a lot of people are making it out like I made a HUGE mistake being with her.

I'M NOT A LOSER, NOR AM I A FAILURE.

I'm just starting out late.

But I bet that someone out there is probably going, and I quote, "Yeah, you tell yourself that. Maybe one day you'll believe it. Loser", unquote.

I'M NOT A LOSER!!!

I believe that.

Now will the rest of you believe that, too?

>>> Pacing around...

... like a caged panther.

For the record, can anyone expect me to be happy, or even anywhere near fine, after all that has happened? So, if you're happily making fun of my misery or scoffing at it or anything along those lines, well... that's your opinion and problem.

I am not needy, desperate, wuss-like or anything like that.

Nor am I whining.

I've lost the woman whom I love through some goddamn messed up situational stack-up. And one of my closest army buddies to a goddamn brain tumour.

Therefore, I believe that I'm allowed to be miserable, if I don't have the right.

And do not tell me to move on.

I can't even bloody grieve!

So lay off!

>>> An inner scream...

... that has to go somewhere.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_{Frustrated & Upset Beyond All Relief.}

>>> Misery...

... and who really cares?

I'm miserable.

No prizes for guessing why.

And I don't really care who knows it now. I'm beyond caring. I've been punished and tortured enough. I'm tired of treading water and trying to keep my head above the waves of depression, sadness and misery that keep washing over me, threatening to sink me and push me under.

I'm miserable. Period.

And there's no one to really turn to. Who the hell wants to listen anyway? Who the hell is going to bother to read this and even leave a note or think about it?

Nobody, by my reckoning.

Even if this sounds vindictive and unfair, I hope that she's happy now.

>>> Wondering...

... and thinking.

I wish that I could say that I hate her, but I can't. I just can't. I love her, even now, just as much as before.

And I reckon that it's driving me rather nuts, ever so slowly.

Maybe I'm just too stupid, really stubborn or a combination of both to actually give up and give in to anything that's going on. I mean, surrendering to that black void of unfeeling and numb down-ness is really tempting at times, to just let it take me and float away on its dark tides, moving with its ebbs and surges. And maybe let it take me into its deadly embrace beneath the ripples of its glassy surface.

And it feels like she doesn't care right about now. At all. Not even a pip from her unless I do something first. It's not easy trying to be just friends with your ex. You can't be as candid and straightforward as you used to be... plus there's a gulf that exists, waiting to suck you down into a freefall you can't escape from until you're dashed upon the jagged rocks below.

And then there's this niggling hope that something might change for the better. Yet, it feels like it's setting me up to be betrayed or to fail epically. To be left on all fours on the ground, eating the dust of someone's departure and choking on one's own tears... then having to put on this front of strength and normality so that no one will worry even though you're torn up and bleeding inside.

*sigh*

Someone just hammer me senseless with a sledge, ey. End my state of misery.

Fuck it.

I'm going to eat some cereal. Doesn't change anything, but I'm going to eat some right now.

Even if it's not going to make me feel any better.